Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Used Up

There was a time in my life that I was fairly happy. I could always find a reason to laugh. I smiled more than I didn't. As best as I can figure those times ended about 4 or 5 years ago when i got sick. I quit blogging because my writing turned to shit. I have made my family dislike if not hate me. I take pills for pain that knock me out and when I'm awake I'm cranky from the pain. I take anti-depressants to help stop the rage I feel. I take another pill to intensify the anti-depressant. I take anti-anxiety pills for the panic attacks. I take some kind of heart pill for my diabetes. Oh and I take diabetes pills for .....well my diabetes. I'm also supposed to be on an aspirin regiment to control my bleeding. I don't know why I'm telling y'all this, I guess sometimes we all need someone to talk to. I'm not looking for your pity. I'm just trying to get somethings off my shoulders. I'm trying to lighten the load.

I believe in God in fact I've spent a lot of time praying and I've spent a lot of energy trying to change, to be a better person. I guess I'm not very good at it. As of the 1st I will be evicted. My insurance changed so I don't even know which doctors I can see. My family will be separated from each other for awhile at least until the taxes come in so we can get some kind of apartment.That is if any of them want to live with me anymore. SSI refused to review my case. So no government check. I can't work dues to all the meds and uncontrollable mood swings. I'm stuck between a rock and a bigger rock. When I get angry my mouth runs out of control. I've pushed my family away from me. Especially my oldest boy. I've said some really cruel things to him and now that the rage has subsided I can't get him to talk to me so that I can apologize. Everybody tells me to quit taking the pills but the last time I did that I cut my wrist. But that's a story for a different time.

Anyway I was saying I talk to God. He used to talk back. Used to. Now all I hear are thoughts of death. I think it's the pills. I'm not a weak man. At least I didn't used to be. But day after day it get's harder and harder to ignore that voice that tells me there's only one way to fix things. What stops me is it's selfish. Even though my wife and kids don't like me much I like to think they still need me me, but even that thought gets weaker and weaker. I sleep all day and I'm awake with my thoughts all night with no one to talk to. I've always said to much time to think is a bad thing. I want to do again. Problem is I don't know what to do.It's the middle of the night.So I think. I've never worried about the future. I've never really worried about anything . But this is hard to admit. for the first time in my life I'm scared. I'm scared I've lost my family. I'm scared of my thoughts. I'm scared and I don't know how to fix it.

2 comments:

Christina LMT said...

I don't really know what to say, Trashman. I don't pity you, but I am worried about you. Maybe you can make a small change, and start getting better. Try your damnedest to stay awake during the day; eventually you'll have to sleep at night. For what it's worth, you and your family will be in my prayers.

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