Doing Time

I Failed

2010-02-10T12:36:00.000-06:00

Computer died yesterday. Pushing up fucking daisies.Therefore I couldn't post. Can't even get it to load windows in any mode. Safe or otherwise. I'm taking it to a friend and dropping it off. Hopefully he can fix it.

More proof God hates me.

Tie-urd

2010-02-08T23:02:00.000-06:00

Eyes hurt cant keep feet open.

Kee......

Suck Ass Super Bowl

2010-02-07T23:01:00.000-06:00

The worst part is now we have to listen to all the liberals talk about the spirit of New Orleans being lifted since the great tragedy. Not to mention all the idiots running around saying "Who Dat". What a collection of morons. At least the nachos were a success.

Keep on "Hatin' Peyton"

Nachos

2010-02-07T00:45:00.001-06:00

I'm making some for the Super Bowl.

Keep on re-frying beans.

Rode Hard

2010-02-05T23:08:00.000-06:00

I'm exhausted. My co-worker got sick tonight and left me by myself. She had the shits. I understand going home. I got hammered. I had a line of customers at least 8 deep from 5:30 to 8:30. I feel like I've been beat with a big fuckin stick. I didn't even have time to try to get fired.

The answer to your question Jack, is yes. Plus I have another back up plan. I may go back to exotic male dancing.

Keep on being naked.

Plan Coming Together

2010-02-04T23:00:00.000-06:00

Managed to get my ass chewed out today. Still didn't get fired, no matter how hard I tried. I was told they don't want to lose me but I didn't have to stay if I wanted to go. I said I wasn't leaving unless I was forced to. I'll try again tomorrow.

Keep on not trusting anyone.

New Outlook On Life

2010-02-03T23:10:00.001-06:00

Fuck my job. Fuck Stop-n-Rob. They recently gave away a bunch of shit on TV to 2 of their employees. To the tune of a few hundred thousand dollars. Trying to make themselves look good. But nobody is getting raises this year because they don't have the money. I wonder how long before my new attitude gets me fired.

Keep on fucking corporate America.

ZombieLand

2010-02-03T01:38:00.000-06:00

This movie came out on DVD today. This is a must see. Woody Harrelson does an excellent job as usual. There's not a dull moment. I laughed my ass off. This gets the Trashman guarantee. I guarantee if you don't like this movie, then you're an idiot. I give Zombieland 5 trashcans out of 5 trashcans,

Keep on killing the dead.

Paying The Fiddler

2010-02-01T23:23:00.001-06:00

Doing taxes. It's that time again.

Mundane Existance

2010-02-01T01:58:00.000-06:00

Went to work today. Came home.

Join The Movment

2010-01-31T00:13:00.001-06:00

Wait For It

2010-01-30T00:02:00.000-06:00

I was going to write about procrastination but I decided to put it off.

Keep on ...

Am I Supposed To Be Offended?

2010-01-29T00:43:00.000-06:00

I got referred to as nigga once last night and also nigger once. A guy came in and said "What up nigga?" and later on a guy said "You a crazy nigger." when referring to the price of a Black and Mild cigar. I'm not sure how to take this. Should I have answered the first guy with "Not much, cracker." and the second guy with "I don't set the prices, Honkey." What do y'all think?

Keep on being confused.

I really wanted to end with "Keep on burning crosses." But I'm not to sure about y'alls sense of humor.

Experimental

2010-01-28T23:48:00.000-06:00

What A Waste Of Time

2010-01-27T21:14:00.000-06:00

I'm working 3rd shift again tonight, so I'm just going to give you a quick recap of tonight's State Of The Union speech by your president.

Hello America
Lie
Lie
Empty promise
Blame Bush
Through blaming Bush
Empty promise
Lie
Lie
More lies
More empty promises
Even more lies
Lie again
And lie once more
Thank you (for selling your collective souls to me) America.

That should just about sum it up.

Keep on burning in Hell.

Nebraska Bound

2010-01-27T00:05:00.000-06:00

Can you still drop your teenagers off there with no questions asked?

Do-Si-Dos

2010-01-26T00:45:00.000-06:00

I love Girl Scouts and their cookies. Especially the Peanut Butter Sandwich. In fact I'm eating some now. When I'm done maybe I'll have the cookies.

Yodeling In The Valley

2010-01-24T22:43:00.000-06:00

OK. Y'all are getting this story because I get most my readers at noon on Monday. This happened a couple of weeks ago.

I was standing at the counter (lookin' good as usual) when a black girl approached with her items. She set them down and I proceeded to ring them up. In the following conversation she will be referred to as BC (black chick).

BC: "Damn. You have a nice moustache."
Trash: "Thanks."
BC: "No. I mean it's really nice. Like all perfect and shit."
Trash: "Yeah. Well I have a lot of practice maintaining it."
BC: "It's like not to thick here or too thin here and it's the same length on both sides. It's really nice."
Trash: "Yeah. OK. Thanks again."
BC: "I bet you can save a lot of flavor in that moustache."
Trash: " What?"
BC: "You know. When you eat pussy. I bet you saves lots of flavor."
Trash: "Huh?"
BC: " I'd be like a kid on a new bike with that thing. You couldn't get me off of it."
Trash: "HA HA HA."
BC: "No really. In fact you wouldn't be eatin' my pussy. My pussy would be eatin, your face. You ever eat a black girl's pussy?"
Trash: "No."
BC: "You want to?"
Trash: "Well as intrigued as I am, I'll have to decline. I'm married."
BC: "She would find out too. You would probably drown in my pussy."
Trash: "Your total is $14.72"
BC: "Here you go baby. Tell you what. You ever gets divorced and you wanna try some black pussy. You just ask for Sheprecia."
Trash: "OK. You have a good evening."
BC: "You too baby and don't shave that thing off it's beautiful."

Keep on eating at the Y.

3rd Shift

2010-01-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

Yep. I'm working again tonight. I'm being used. The reason they keep sticking me on this shift is because of my bad assedness. On Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays we get the lowest of life forms in the middle of the shift. There's a night club down the street from us that gets a big crowd on those nights. After the club closes and they get tired of pepper spraying and robbing each other in that parking lot, they come and visit us.

Skanky black women, fat white women. 350 pound women on 4 inch stiletto heels. Thugs and wanna be gangsters dressed in red wearing their pants around their ankles. All smelling of cocoa butter and weed. They come in and steal the condoms (thank God they're not reproducing) and candy bars. They ask for grape "rillos" and wood tip wine "blacks". They complain about the prices and leave the change (I'm supposed to be thankful for the 17 cents they just gave Stop-and-Rob). Nothing but disrespect. They cut in line. They trash the bathrooms. They fill up the parking lot, all playing different rap tunes as loud as they can. They are fucking animals. Rob thought he had it hard with the "guidos". He should see this shit.

Slowly things are being changed. They're starting to act a little more human. It's all because of me. I don't take shit. I don't give shit. I'm not in the shit business. That's simply how I roll. Who knew I could train animals? I'll be lucky if I don't get shot tonight.

Keep on keeping on.

I Am The King

2010-01-22T17:14:00.000-06:00

Trashman - 2
Computer Virus's - 0

That's right I am the Mother Fucker of all mother fuckers. I am a god among mere mortals. I am a legend in my own mind. I am the shit. I am the cream in the corn. I am the corn in the turds. I am the frosting on the fuckin' cake. I am unfuckingstoppable. And I did it all by myfuckingself with no help from anyone. Now I have to go take a nap, I work 3rd shift tonight.

I would like to thank my brother for attempting to help me. He tried. I'll give him that.

New Virus

2010-01-22T01:19:00.000-06:00

I'm fighting a new virus called Internet Security 2010. It showed up at 9:00 am this morning. I should have it beat by tomorrow afternoon. I do believe if someone ever tells me they are a hacker or they write virus's or anything like that I'll just shoot them between the eyes.

Until then....

More Shit

2010-01-20T21:39:00.000-06:00

I'm working third shift tonight, so I'll be at work during my regular blogging hours. In fact I'm getting ready for work now. That means this is pretty much all you're going to get.

I did watch a movie today it was called Hide. Not bad. Not good. Decent time killer. I did fall in lust with the female star though. I'm not sure if I've seen her in anything else. but it was probably more her character than her. She looks good in the movie but she had a whole psychotic white trash thing going on. Rachel Miner makes my weenie wiggle. I'll give it 3 trash cans out of 5 simply because of her.

Keep on wondering about me being assaulted by the homeless homo.

Shit

2010-01-20T01:26:00.001-06:00

I almost forgot to post.

Jen

2010-01-19T00:43:00.001-06:00

She loves me but not as much as I love me.

Keep on lovin' me.

No Mo Romo

2010-01-18T00:07:00.000-06:00

There are two things the Dallas Cowboys need to do to begin fixing their problems. The first one is, they need to get rid of that incompetent idiot they call a quarter-back. He has no passion for the game. He just doesn't give a fuck. Why should he? He's going to get paid 67 million dollars, win or lose. He has loads of God given talent and ability, but he has no drive. He should just take his money and disappear, make room for somebody that has the desire to win.

Now the second thing they need to do, can never be done. Jerry Jones needs to step down as General Manager. He doesn't know a damn thing about football. He is one hell of a businessman, but that doesn't give him the ability to make the day to day decisions that have to be made to run a successful football team. After today's game he started making excuses for Romo, he made it sound like the offensive line let them down. I got news for you Jerry. Romo is the leader, his attitude is going to be contagious. He don't care why should they? Herein lies the problem with Jones. He can't admit his mistakes and Romo is the biggest mistake he's ever made except when he fired Jimmy Johnson simply because Johnson wouldn't agree with him. Nope Joneses ego will always keep the Cowboys down. Luckily he can't live forever.

Go Jets.

Feloniuos Behaviour

2010-01-17T01:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was assaulted by a homeless homo.

Be safe out there.

Friday Night Lites

2010-01-15T23:55:00.000-06:00

It's Friday.
It's night.
And this is about as heavy as it's gonna get.

Fuck Danny Glover.

I Love You, Beth Cooper

2010-01-15T01:38:00.001-06:00

Okay bonus post. I just watched the aforementioned movie. I must say it was quite enjoyable. The guy that played the dork was a little to dorky but other wise it was a fun movie. Once again not enough flesh, but we did get some side-boob action from Hayden Panettiere. I give this movie 4 1/2 trash cans. See it if you get the chance.

I love you, Hayden Panettiere.

Comment More, Fuckers

2010-01-14T22:45:00.000-06:00

Running low on energy and creative flow. This is all you get today.

Keep on.

Wanna Trade?

2010-01-13T23:23:00.000-06:00

Every once and awhile I get cookies and milk for a late night snack. Tonight was one of those nights. I only get a package of two cookies or I'll make a complete pig of myself. Before I go to the store I always check with everybody to see what they want. They get one chance and one chance only. I don't get extra shit.

Jen and I were in the garage smoking when Trash Jr stuck his head out

Trash Jr: "I'm hungry are those my cookies?"
Trash: "Hell no. Don't touch my cookies."
Trash Jr: "But I'm hungry. Can I have them?"
Trash: "Nope. Make a TV dinner or a burrito or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a cheese sandwich or something, but don't touch my cookies."

He closed the door and Jen looked at me.

Jen: "Let him have the cookies."
Trash: "Nope."
She tilted her head and batted her eye lashes.
Jen: "For me."
Trash: "Nope."
She tilted her head the other way and batted her eye lashes again.
Jen: "Can I have them?"
Trash: "I'll trade 'em for a blow job."
Jen (yelling): "Make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich baby."

At least I got to enjoy my cookies.

Jennifers Body

2010-01-12T22:52:00.000-06:00

All in all a decent movie. Would have preferred more flesh. I give it 4 trash cans.

Pretty boy got fired a couple of weeks ago so I probably wont be posting anymore Counter Monkey Conversations. I do however have a couple of work related stories to tell. I'll try and give you one tomorrow.

Until then you know the drill.

It Is What It Is

2010-01-11T17:27:00.000-06:00

I'm not saying I'm a Bad Mother Fucker, but at the annual bad mother fuckers meeting, I'm referred to as "Boss".

Keep on......ah fuck it.

I Don't Get it

2010-01-11T00:31:00.000-06:00

A blond calls her boyfriend and tells him that she's having trouble with a jigsaw puzzle.

Boyfriend: "What's the puzzle supposed to be a picture of ?"
Blond: "A rooster. I've been up for 2 days trying to put it together."
Boyfriend: "I'll be right over."

The boyfriend arrives at the blonde's house. He goes into the kitchen and finds the blond sitting at the table. He takes a look at the puzzle.

Boyfriend: "We'll never be able to put this puzzle together."
Blond: "But I've been trying so hard."
Boyfriend: "I know, but you need some sleep. I can see you're really tired."
Blond: "I haven't slept in 2 days. Maybe I'll go to bed."
Boyfriend: "That's a good idea, but before you do you should put the corn flakes back in the box."

Keep on doing whatever it is you do.

That Smell

2010-01-09T23:50:00.000-06:00

I get assaulted everyday with stench. Whether it's the smell off the bums that come into the store. Or the smell of weed off the stoners. We've had to wash the change the bums give us because the smell was so bad. But I believe the worse yet was when I went in the men's room and came out stoned because some fucker was in there toking up. I don't smoke weed because I don't like weed. So I really don't want to come out of the men's room with the fucking munchies. And don't let me get started on personal hygiene, some of the regulars could certainly use a shower. Especially the bums. Tonight I had to smell everything from weed, body odor, day old beer, old smoke, ass breath, and some of the ladies were sporting a yeasty hot tuna odor.

My nose has been broken more than a dozen times (in fights I always lead with my face, could you imagine how pretty I would be if I didn't) so I have to wonder how bad they must really stink.

Oh and you beaners need to lay off the cheap cologne.

Keep on washing your ass.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

2010-01-09T00:02:00.000-06:00

It's fucking cold out. What's worse is, it's fucking cold in. I'm gonna make a deal with the landlord about re-insulating the attic. I just hope I can squeeze my fat ass into the attic and when I do, i hope I don't make a new opening by falling through the ceiling. That's all you get tonight. It's not like anybody reads this blog on the weekend anyways.

If I had a stick in my ass I would be a Popsicle. Or queer.

Roll On Crimson Tide.

2010-01-07T23:26:00.000-06:00

Congratulations to Alabama. New Collegiate football champions. Tonight they spanked The University of Texas's ass. U.T. sucks. I hate burnt orange. I'm sorta happy right now. The only part of the game I didn't like was the fact that Colt McCoy got hurt. It gives the UT fans an excuse. I just wonder what the excuse would have been if he had not been hurt. Oh well they lost, they suck. Alabama rules. I rule.

Go toss a salad.

In For The Long Haul

2010-01-06T17:13:00.000-06:00

Six days in and I'm already struggling for writing material. Oh I have plenty of things to tell you, but most of it I should be paid for. It's gonna be a rough year.

Keep on blowing me.

Burn Baby Burn

2010-01-05T21:47:00.000-06:00

Tonight I built a fire and much like my forefathers did in the caves, I sat and stared into the flames. As I watched the embers float up the chimney and the flames lick the walls of the fireplace my mind wandered to happy thoughts of the past.

Thoughts like sitting on the floor at my Grandfathers feet as he read stories from The Big Book of Fairy Tales and Other Bull Shit by firelight. Or like the time me and some buddys were on the way to see a dead body our friend Vern found and we stopped to camp in the woods and we sat around the campfire telling stories.

Sitting by the ocean with the flavor of the week hanging on me like a cheap suit and drinking beer with my friends watching the flames and listening to the waves. The best was remembering drinking wine, butt naked on a bear skin rug and making sweet love to the Swedish bikini model by the fireplace in the ski lodge in Vermont.

Hanging out with buddies deep in the woods of Alaska staying warm by the fireside waiting for the sun to come up so we could resume hunting the Kodiaks. Even better rain dancing around the fire with the Aborigines of Australia trying to rid the land of the white man.

Yep. That fire brought make all sorts of memories. To bad none of them were mine.

Keep on keeping on.

Virus Destroyer

2010-01-04T21:18:00.000-06:00

I have defeated Satan's virus. I'm exhausted. More to come later. Until then.......

Keep on keeping on.

That Was Quick

2010-01-03T12:23:00.000-06:00

Here's that one liner I was talking about.

Keep on keeping on.

O Pressed

2010-01-02T16:02:00.000-06:00

Remember how a while back (the last post) I said I was going to post every day this year? Well somebody's trying to stop me. Right after I posted that blog my computer caught the nastiest virus I have ever seen. It's new. I should be able to fix it but it's going to take some time, patience and effort. I believe Hussein and his goons have something to do with it. Or maybe it's the Russians. It could be the Chinese but the virus is in English. Either way somebody is trying to fuck up my shit and they're doing a pretty good job of it. But I have my ways of getting around that crap.

Just let it be known, I WILL find whoever is involved with the Anitvirus Live virus and when I do..... I'M GOING TO EXECUTE EVERY LAST MOTHER FUCKING ONE OF THEM.

Until then have a pleasant day and keep on keeping on.

2010

2010-01-01T19:46:00.000-06:00

Hussein is still in office. The rest of the world still hates us. The economy is still fucked up. We're still at war. Just because the calender flipped a number doesn't mean anything has changed. Although I did make two resolutions.

Number 1 is: I resolve to post everyday this year, even if it is just a one liner.
And B: No more resolutions.

Let's see which one gets kept.

Happy New Years fuckers and keep on keeping on.

Blaze Of Glory

2009-11-30T23:23:00.000-06:00

I have decided not to die. Just yet. There's still a little fight left in this dog. That and I want to make sure a lot more people are miserable before I go. If not miserable at least annoyed. I have managed to do this so far but I got a ways to go.

I also want to make sure my death is as violent and painful as possible. Not necessarily for me, but someone's got to hurt. That and I want to know that they'll still be finding pieces of me a year later. That's right my death should involve CSI and crime scene clean-up. Hopefully some law enforcement agency with initials will need to be called in.

There's still lots of blood and pain but I'll march on. I always do. Just sometimes there's a little whining involved. The pain is the price I pay. The whining is the price y'all pay.

Thankfully this is the last of the quantity post, now maybe we can get back to the quality. When we do, I expect some comments, fuckers. I'll be talking more about my imminent death shortly, y'all should really enjoy that one.

Keep on keeping on.

Under The Weather

2009-11-29T23:19:00.000-06:00

Not to sure I'll survive the night. Massive amounts of pain and blood. I have to see the doctor soon. Bones hurt beyond belief plus a cold front moved in tonight. Sorry this ain't much of a post. If I live, I'll post tomorrow. If not, then so long fuckers.

Keep on keeping on.

Third World Neighborhood

2009-11-28T23:06:00.000-06:00

There's quite a few trailer parks near where I work. Not the good kind that's all full of trailer trash and junk, but the kind that the government relocated Katrinas supposed victims to. So we sell a lot of malt liquor and single blunts.

There's also a night club right down the road where these "people" congregate every Wednesday and Friday night. When the club closes they descend upon us like a plague, trying to buy beer after hours, steal some condoms and smoke their demon weed. They come in droves. They also trash our bathrooms and the parking lot. They're fucking animals. There was a shooting in the parking lot last year and almost one last week. I've never seen an angry pot head until last night.

Last night was the first time I had to work 3rd shift. After they came in and destroyed the store (were not allowed to stop them, "Stop-n-Rob" has an open-door-make-the-customer-happy-no-matter-the-cost-policy) I made an observation to my fellow employee about the rudeness of these individuals. I found out that they were behaving better than normal. Yep. Not only am I a bad mother fucker, but evidently it shows also. What gets me is the female of the species is more asshole than the male. They have been known to refer to our females as "white cunt" "white bitch" "cracker ass ho" and assorted other names usually beginning with a skin color. The men just step up to the counter and say "Gimme a mild" or "I's need a grape rillo" (they seem to love the grape flavor) other than that they wont say a word to you. They also usually throw the money at you. I can tell you one thing. If this job doesn't kill me nothing will. I'm either going to get shot because I can only take so much shit or I'm going to explode. What I want to know is, can't we all get along?

I mean really, I can pretend to be nice to you and I do it for not much more than minimum wage. Would it kill you to pretend to be nice to me? It's only for 30 seconds or less. You don't impress me trying to act tough and you damn sure don't scare me. You know I don't like you (it has nothing to do with skin color, it's all about your fucked up ways) and I know you think I'm the white devil. But for 30 seconds we can be cordial. I'm doing my part for race relations. Do yours, or is that like finding a job, just too much hard work. Would you be nice if the government paid you to? How about it Hussien? Stimulate the economy by subsidizing the race relations. Give them money every time they act like a civilized human being, every time they smile at whitey, every time they turn down the car stereo.

I hope you enjoyed this post, just one of many late night last minute quantity post.

Charmed. No story, just an observation that I was hoping one of my many black readers could answer. Plus it was Black Friday so I questioned Black Chubby Chasers.

Keep on keeping on.

Black Friday

2009-11-27T22:37:00.000-06:00

Not much to say tonight. Just got home from work and I have to go back in 3 hours. The bitch from 3rd shift called and quit 2 hours before her shift. Fucking whore. Looks like I may get a few more hours for awhile.

What is it with black guys and fat white chicks? I don't get it.

Keep on keeping on.

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T13:12:00.000-06:00

Once again it's that time where I make a list of shit that I'm thankful for or I'm thankful ain't. This year will include both. So let's get started.

1. I'm thankful for our military. I just hope when the time comes they remember the oath included protecting us from domestic enemies also.
2. I'm thankful even though I'm dying from emphylukebetes that I don't have the aids (I don't want to be labeled a queer upon death).
3. I'm thankful for Jen and the kids.
4. I'm thankful Jr. didn't get charged with felony arson.
5. I'm thankful for football.
6. I'm thankful for the few readers I have left.
7. I'm thankful you fuckers don't fill up my comment box (start commenting fuckers).
8. I'm thankful God gave me charm, wit and personality. It makes up for being bald, broke and the small dick.
9. I'm thankful that short shorts, short skirts, high boots and high heels have come back into style.
10. I'm thankful that my boy needs a ride to high school in the mornings (see #9).
11. I'm thankful this month is almost over with. (comment you fuckers).
12. I'm thankful my poor dead momma will be spending Thanksgiving with me (she'll be in a box on the table).
13. I'm thankful for vagina (every time I get some).
14. I'm thankful for crackers and cheese (turkeys not done yet and I'm hungry).
15. I'm thankful for scrimps. I love me some little shellfish.
16. I'm thankful for plastic. It's probably the greatest invention of all time. Save a tree, use plastic bags.
17. I'm thankful I have a friend in Jesus (the song just told me so). I just wish his Father wasn't hatin' me.
18. I'm thankful I have today off work. I hate that place.
19. I'm thankful I even have a job. I just wish they would pay me.
20. I'm thankful for voice mail so I only have to answer the phone if I want to. That's not aimed at you Zelda, I was driving when you called.
21. I'm thankful I don't have to get dressed up this year to go see people I already know.
22. I'm thankful for Charmin.
23. I'm thankful for Smalls (Jr.s friend, he seems to be keeping the turd out of trouble).
24. I'm thankful for peanut butter (it's amazing what can be done with the creamy goodness).
25. I'm thankful the Cowboys game is starting so I can end this misery.

Looking at the list, it's more of a thankful for list, than a thankful ain't list. Oh well, there's always next year.

Happy Thanksgiving fuckers and Keep on keeping on.

Cowboys vs. Raiders

2009-11-25T23:03:00.000-06:00

If the Cowboys lose to the Raiders tomorrow, I'm through with them. I will become a Jets fan, at least until Romo is gone.

You lame ass fuckers better start commenting.

Another quantity post simply because you don't deserve better.

Keep on keeping on.

The Final Frontier

2009-11-24T23:59:00.000-06:00

Tonight I watched the new Star Trek movie. I've never been a big fan of space movies. I've never even seen a complete episode of Star Trek either. In fact I think we should thin the human population starting with trekkies. However that being said I will admit the new Star Trek movie is pretty alright. Lots of action, not to confusing but it could have used a little nudity.

I know enough about Star Trek to know James T. Kirk slept with anything with a wet hole, they could have touched on that a little more in the movie. They didn't mention those furry little dribble things that cause all sorts of problems and Dr. Spock while being logical never mentioned children or spanking. I know in the series Hans Solo was played by some deep voiced Korean dude and in the movie he was played by Harold of the "Harold and Fubar" movies, but they left out the wookie.I guess this takes place before he meets Chewcaca.

They had the Russian dude Mr. Jackhoff so they seemed to be introducing the original cast. They used a lot of the original catch phrases like "Dammit Jim I'm a doctor" and Scotty said "I'm giving her all I got Captain", once again that would have been a good spot for nudity. I don't remember the phrase "Bean me up Scotty" but they did say "Set your tasers on stun".

They did have the Romanlins but not the Klingy dudes or the storm troopers either and I am a bit confused by the absence of Darth Vader but I guess that will all be covered in the sequel.

All in all a good movie. I give it 4 trashcans out of 5. See it if you can. Until then.

Live long and party on, dudes.

On Time

2009-11-24T23:58:00.001-06:00

These words are here just to make sure I complete NamBoPloMo.

Keep on keeping on.

Give Me A Break

2009-11-23T21:29:00.000-06:00

Michael Jackson. The gloved pedophile won 4 awards at the 2009 American Music Awards. He won for:
POP/ROCK
Favorite Male Artist: Michael Jackson
Favorite Album: Number Ones, Michael Jackson
SOUL/RHYTHM & BLUES
Favorite Male Artist: Michael Jackson
Favorite Album: Number Ones, Michael Jackson

I got news for y'all. He's dead, fucking dead just like his career was years ago. The album "Number Ones" was from 2003. It was re-released after he went to hell.

Personally I don't understand how he could win shit. He's a fucking little boy raper. Favorite Pedophile is the only category he should be in. His brother showed up at the awards wearing a single glove and all the little Hollywood turds lined up to kiss his dead pedophilic ass.

His dad is still trying to get money from the estate and Los Angeles foot the bill for the funeral but their supposedly trying to get that back. The man killed himself with pills. It wasn't murder, no one forced him to be a boy loving junkie. He also died in debt. I probably will too but it wont be for owing money for millions of dollars worth of shit I purchased on a I'm-famous-so-you-have-to-let-me-take-this-and-I'll-pay-you-later-oops-did-I-say-you-were-going-to-have-to-sue-me-credit-line.

Then I hear some ass-monkey paid over $300,000 dollars for his fucking glove. I wonder how much little boy DNA was on that thing.

I'm just disgusted. Dead pedophiles winning awards. Socialist muslims running the country. We have muslims in the army. Movies like "Twilight" being made. Hollywood is ruing this country. They picked Hussein. They picked Michael. They make shit movies. They cry about the poor and under-privileged yet they all live in mansions. And the way Romo is playing the Cowboys will probably lose to the Raiders on Thanksgiving. Man the world is fucked up

FYI: I need to replace the broken timing chain in my car. Y'all need to buy some earrings.

Another quantity post brought to you by my lack of caring.

Keep on keeping on.

One Lucky Broad

2009-11-22T23:09:00.000-06:00

I just figured out how lucky Jen is to be with me. I know a chick that's sitting at home right now with a sick kid. Her husband is missing in action, drunk and has her car. It probably cost her, her job. I wouldn't do that. In fact I never do any wrong when it comes to relationship time. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't fuck around except in my head. I don't beat her needlessly (she needed it every time). I do laundry. I do dishes. I sweep and mop. I get the kids off to school. I do the grocery shopping (Jen sucks at it). I do everything. She should be thankful she has me. In fact I'm gonna make her say it at the Thanksgiving table. Yep. I'm fucking wonderful.

Another quantity post brought to you by a short time frame.

Keep on keeping on.

Dear Jack

2009-11-21T11:38:00.000-06:00

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. First I didn't dick around all day. I worked which left me only a little bit of time. And if I wasn't working I was sleeping. I didn't hitchhike from Florida to South Dakota. I went out in the storm of the century and picked you up hitchhiking from San Antonio. You promised to never mention Garth Brooks to me again. No I never got the 20 bucks and I still hurt from the broken heart he gave me. It wasn't a 73 Cougar it was a 87 Dodge minivan (the most uncool automobile on the road) and if I hadn't taken the heat for that one you-know-who would still be eating the cock meat sandwiches (I hated seeing you.....I mean a grown man cry). Also that Alamo was really a Burger King and the musket was a straw with spit balls. It's amazing what time and destroyed brain cells will do to the facts. I've never seen Ac/Dc in concert. It was Ratt and Poison and y'all are lucky I didn't go party with Brett when he invited me to. It's a long walk from San Antonio. Dine and dash? I don't run. I walked out to the car. You and Conrad ran screaming like girls.

Yes a lifetime of adventure. Most of it in my head. Scribble? Ha. I'm the Hemingway of the 21st century. So I'll probably be famous after I'm dead.

Jack, you are a man of your word.

Keep on keeping on.

Big Box Of Nothing

2009-11-20T23:04:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to write about. It's late and I only have an hour till midnight. That's not enough time. I could write about Hussein or race relations or the fact that liberals are the devils disciples. I could write about Jr. and his six months probation and 8 hours community service. I could write about the wanna be gang bangers at his school. I can't write about work because nothing has happened. I cant write about Jen because she's a secretive type person while I'm a balls out kinda guy. I could write about my brothers new dog training school. I could write about a few internet ideas I'm trying to put into play. I could write about the bullet earrings y'all stopped buying. I could write about the two broken cars in my drive-way that make me official white trash. I could write about my wonderful landlord that's letting me live two months behind. I could write about how the bones in my arms and legs constantly feel like someone is bending the to the point of almost breaking. I could write about the disease I've decided that I have. It's called emphylukebetes and it's killing me. The problem is nobody wants to hear this shit anyway. This month of posting is all about quantity not quality. So I bring you another quantity post.

That's it.

You Ain't Hard

2009-11-19T22:55:00.000-06:00

I worked alone the other night and I went to take a piss during a lull in the customers. The store was empty and nobody was entering the parking lot, so I cut a trail for the pisser. Just as I was about to turn on the water to wash my hands (I'm clean like that) I hear someone yelling in the store. I didn't even hear the familiar ding ding of the door when it opened. Considering the language being used during the yelling and the demographics of the neighborhood I deduced that it was one of the local thugs. I continued to wash my hands (cause I'm still clean like that).

Thug: "You. Anybody here? What the fuck, yo? Do I gots to get my own shit, yo? Yo, where the fuck you at? Yo. I'ma jump this counter, yo. Yo I needs some help."

I opened the door and walked out still drying my hands.

Trash: "You need to have a little patience."
Thug (trying to sound like a bad ass and very loudly): "I need some gas and a Black & Mild."

I walked past the garbage and threw away my paper towel and strolled up to the counter. I put my hands on the counter and leaned forward and in my best fuck you voice.

Trash: "You better have some respect."
Thug (mildly): "Can I have some gas and a Black & Mild............please."
Trash (with a smile): "Sure."

I'm hard like that.

Assortment

2009-11-18T22:29:00.000-06:00

Went to the high school today and yelled at the assistant principal's secretary. After almost making her cry or call the campus cop I was informed she would have the principal call me. He never did. I'll be back there in the morning.

My computers syphilis flared up today. Hopefully I've given it enough penicillin .

A few of you ladies decided to comment on my last post. First the proper shoe color is red. Black is a good substitute but only for the men that want to be controlled by the lady folks. Red is a whore color and that's what the real men like. Also I can tell from the comments that a few of you didn't understand rule 31. Study it, then get back to me.

I watched "The Ugly Truth" tonight. You must see this movie. Not only is it good and there's a lot of lessons for you women but, Katherine Heigl is fucking delicious. Oh the dirty things I would do to her.

That's it.

The Trashman Is Down With The Bitches And Hos

2009-11-17T16:37:00.000-06:00

I have come up with a written set of rules for all the wives and girlfriends out there. I know what I'm talking about. You should really listen. If you do listen to me you will have a happy relationship.

1. Barefoot and in the kitchen are perfection. You should strive for it. Pregnancy is optional. Your man will make the call.
2. Dinner will be warm and on the table, unless it's supposed to be served cold. Then it will be cold and on the table when he comes home.
3. It's best to greet your man at the door on your knees. Tilt your head back like a baby bird waiting for dinner. You'll get the worm.
4. Make up was invented for a reason. Use lots of it. Spackle knives are sold at any hardware store.
5. Sweat pants and large t-shirts are NOT an allowable clothing option.
6. Your husband's sexual satisfaction should be priority one.
7. A woman's place is in the home. She should go there directly after work.
8. We will NOT like your new best friends husband. So don't make couple dates.
9. It is O.K. for you to walk around naked.
10. It's not O.K. for you to bitch if we leave the door open when we take a shit.
11. It' s not O.K. for you to bitch, period.
12. Let your guy catch you masturbating every now and then.
13. When I tell you how I want my sandwich made, make it that way. Don't improvise. If you do, you're wrong.
14. It's O.K. for us to look at other women but it's not O.K. for you to look at other men. Men are visual creatures, women are emotional monsters, therefore you don't need to look at other men.
15. A threesome with your sister or mother or some other close hot female relative are a great birthday present.
16. Don't nag.
17. If we say the game is on, don't bother us. It doesn't matter which sport, it's "the game". So shut up.
18. Farts ARE funny.
19. When it comes to sex (ha I said come) be open minded. Try the tea bag thing or perhaps the Dirty Sanchez.
20. Laugh at our jokes. Especially when we're not funny.
21. NEVER EVER EVER give us shit in front of our friends.
22. Just cause we don't say "I love you" doesn't mean we don't love you. If we didn't love you we wouldn't be there. Unless you're really rich or really hot.
23. Always make sure you look your best.
24. It's O.K. if we get fat, but that's a one way street.
25. I'm sorry you're just not as good a cook as Mom is. Get used to it.
26. It's a man's world. Know your role.
27. Wearing nothing but a pair of red 4" heels will get you pretty much anything you want.
28. If you want us to stick our tongues in there, shave it. Waxing is even better.
29. Try anal, at least 10 times before you decide you don't like it. Then do it anyway if that's what he wants.
30. Swallow.
31. We're always right, and if we're wrong that's the best time to tell us we're right.

Ladies if you follow these few simple guidelines I can promise you a lifetime of happiness. If you follow this list and you don't get a lifetime of happiness, then you did something wrong.

Keep on keeping on

Run For The Border

2009-11-16T23:09:00.000-06:00

Jen and I were getting ready for work today when she walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Now I find this look very appealing and I let her know.

Trash: "Man you're hot. I really like that look."
Jen: "Shut up. I know what I look like. I hate when you lie."
Trash: "No really, that turns me on."
Jen: "You better stop."
Trash: "Listen, just cause you don't like the way you look, don't mean I cant like the way you look."
Jen: "You're blind. Leave me alone."
Trash: "No baby, you look good wrapped in that towel. Like a big ol' over stuffed burrito."

Keep on keeping on.

Cock Blocking 101

2009-11-15T22:56:00.000-06:00

I worked with Pretty Boy again tonight and another hot chick came in. We'll call her New Hot Chick. Right away Pretty Boy starts with the flirtations.

Pretty Boy: "So what are you doing tonight? Got a date?"
New Hot Chick: "No. I'm going out with some friends. I'm the third wheel."
Pretty Boy: "You're to cute to be a third wheel."
New Hot Chick (giggling): "Thank you."
Trash: "You said the same thing to me last night."
New Hot Chick: "I thought I was special."
Pretty Boy: "You are special."
Trash: "Yep. You said that to me last night too."
Pretty Boy: "Stop that...........dick"
Trash: "You definitely didn't say that."

Keep on keeping on.

I Have A New Ho

2009-11-14T11:29:00.000-06:00

Last night I worked with Pretty Boy again. That always makes for fun times. One of his regular stalkers came in, we'll refer to her as Hot Chick. Hot Chick headed for the beer cooler and Pretty Boy started telling me about how the last time she came in she offered him either dirty or nasty sex. He couldn't remember which one. On her way out the door he asked her which one it was.

Hot Chick: "I can't say."
Pretty Boy: "Sure you can. Trash don't care."
Hot Chick: "I said freaky. You happy?"
Pretty Boy: "You shouldn't have left so quick, I was going to follow you."
Hot Chick: "What's wrong with now?"
Pretty Boy: "I gotta work."
Trash: "You're on break. A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do."

They went outside and talked a little bit and made goo goo eyes at each other. After a few minutes they came in and went to the back store room. Pretty Boy couldn't look at me and he had to choke down a laugh as he passed. About 10 minutes later they came back out and she left. Pretty boy came behind the counter and smiled at me.

Trash: "That didn't last long. I'm disappointed in you."
Pretty Boy: "We didn't fuck or anything. She showed me her tits and then I showed her my dick. She played with a little bit and that was it."
Trash: "Well that was her freebie. Next time it's gonna cost her."
Pretty Boy: "Huh?"
Trash: "You're my new whore. I'm gonna pimp you out, right here at the counter."
Pretty Boy: "I bet I could make some money at that."
Trash: "Yep, and you're gonna hand it all over to me. Now get me some money. Bitch."

Keep on keeping on.

There's Always Tomorrow

2009-11-13T23:10:00.000-06:00

That's right, fuckers. I've got a good one for you, but you'll have to tune in tomorrow to read it. Until then I'll be playing Mafia Wars.

Keep on keeping on.

Somethings Burning

2009-11-12T23:07:00.000-06:00

Jen is in the kitchen. Where she belongs. I'm sitting here trying to entertain you fuckers. Maybe I should switch places with her. Well at least I quit bleeding.

Keep on keeping on.

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T22:48:00.000-06:00

Sorry. I got nothing. I worked alone tonight. Nothing happened. I'm in pain and I got my period. So this is all you get. Not like it matters. Fuckers.

Thanks to all the veterans including me.

Keep on keeping on.

Employment Oppurtunities

2009-11-10T16:28:00.000-06:00

Last night I had what most would consider a very disturbing dream. For me it's par for the course. I dreamed I was at a carnival and I got on an elevator at the roller coaster. The elevator took me to hell. I was there to apply for a job. They tested me and I was immediately offered a job upon my demise. That is if I wanted it. I would be in charge of punishing promiscuous young ladies. I'm lucky I didn't wake up swimming in a gallon of scooge. I'm still thinking about accepting the job.

Keep on keeping on.

T3

2009-11-09T23:31:00.000-06:00

Tonight was my youngest boys last football game. Tomorrow we find out if they won district championship. He was one of the captains that walk for the coin toss. This position was chosen by his team. Who knew? I mean I knew he was good but I had no idea his team respected him that much. I guess I should have, he is my son after all. That alone commands respect.

More comments would be appreciated. Fuckers.

Keep on keeping on.

Putting It Lightly

2009-11-08T18:15:00.000-06:00

As the whole world knows, 13 people were killed and 29 were wounded in a terrorist attack at Ft. Hood, Texas. This terrorist attack was carried out by a Major in the U.S. Army. This officer is a muslim. The fact that this officer is a muslim automatically makes the attack terroristic in nature. Regardless of whether there's one attacker or 100 attackers, anytime a U.S. service member or a U.S. citizen for that matter is attacked by a muslim that screams "Allahu Akbar" at any time during the attack, it is terroristic.

The liberal media has already started making excuses for the scumbag Major Nidal Malik Hasan. They are claiming he was picked on by his military peers for his ethnicity and religious beliefs. They have interviewed some of his neighbors, who say that some of the other neighbors used to snicker when he passed by dressed in his religious robes. Big fucking deal. He is 30 some odd years old. As an adult I don't believe your self esteem can be hurt enough to make you go kill a bunch of innocent people. I've had plenty of remarks made about my weight. Should I ever decide that the people that made these remarks hurt my feelings so bad that I needed to kill or attempt to kill 42 people, then I would kill the people that made the remarks. I wouldn't walk into a room full of people I didn't know, a room full of people that I had never met, people that I had never spoken to, people that had never done me any harm, caused me any pain, emotional or physical and open fire. The liberal media, his family and fellow mulsims all think the fact he was "picked" on makes it okay for him to commit mass murder. These same people also want you to believe that terrorism had nothing to do with this.

It was terrorism plain and simple. He decided a long time ago to carry out this attack. He didn't want to deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan. Not because he thought it was an oil war, not because he thought we should stay out of other peoples business, not for any of the reasons the whiny sissy hippy liberals in this country cry about. He didn't want to go because he didn't want to upset Allah. He didn't want to go because Allah tells muslims they should kill anyone that doesn't believe in the muslim way. This is what the Major did. He killed 13 people that were not muslim. Not to avoid deployment. Not because he was picked on. Because Allah told him to. Fuck Allah. Fuck Mohammed. Fuck Nidal Malik Hasan. Fuck the muslims. Oh and fuck Hussein.

Hussein had to give all his shout outs before he even began to mention the terrorist attack at Ft. Hood. See Zelda's blog she posted the youtube video. Makes me wonder who's side he's on. Some government official is calling for a congressional hearing to see who dropped the ball with Hasan. We don't need one. Bottom line is he's just another terrorist. We do however need a congressional hearing to find out what Hussein is really about.

Back to the subject at hand. How many of you have seen the movie Swordfish? In the movie the character played by John Travolta (Gabriel) tells the character played by Hugh Jackman (Stanley) how things should be handled.

Stanley: "War? Who are we at war with?"
Gabriel: "Anyone who impinges on America's freedom. Terrorist states, Stanley. Someone must bring their war to them. They bomb a church, we bomb ten. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute American tourists, we tactically nuke an entire city. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that it becomes unthinkable to attack Americans."

This is how we should handle Hasan and the rest of the muslims.

This is not a traditional war. The enemy sometimes wears our uniforms. We are not fighting another country or a different race of people. Hell we're not even fighting aliens from space. No. We're fighting a religion. A religion that teaches it's followers to hate and kill anyone that doesn't conform to their ways. We might as well be fighting Democrats.

Now here is where I release my inner redneck. I say we take Hasan out of the hospital and dump him in box with about 5 tons of pigs parts (guts, balls, dicks, skin that sort of stuff) and then drop him from a plane right into the town square in Baghdad. Then we take a few of the prisoners from Guantanamo Bay and do the same thing all over Afghanistan. After that, we let the entire muslim world know that the same thing or worse is in store for them if they don't stop fucking around.

Another thing we need to do is disarm all the muslims in our military forces. They can do jobs like picking up garbage and taking tickets at the post theaters. Anything in a support position where they can't poison, shoot or cut any real American military member. Because if they're muslim they can't be trusted. Now I know at least one of you is going to have a problem with that last statement. I realize that there may be some muslims out there that don't want to kill us, but we can't afford to think that way. Nope.

America. Love it or leave it. And if your muslim. GET THE FUCK OUT. That includes you, Hussein. Oh yeah. Mohammed is a goat fucker.

Keep on keeping on.

Computer Virus

2009-11-07T23:28:00.000-06:00

Somehow Jr. managed to give my computer the syphilis. I'll give it some penicillin tomorrow and we can talk then. Plus I'm not getting enough comments. Fuckers.

Keep on keeping on.

A Moment of Silence - The Second One

2009-11-06T12:00:00.000-06:00

Don't worry it wont last long. I'm just too mad to put together coherent thoughts.

Counter Monkey Conversations III

2009-11-05T09:05:00.000-06:00

I work with a couple of other guys from time to time. My assistant manger, I'll call Sam. Then there's the guy I'll refer to as Pretty Boy, simply cause he's pretty. Sam seems threatened by Pretty Boys good looks but I personally think the female clientele has improved due to him.

The other night Sam and I were working when an older (ancient) black woman with bleach red hair approached the counter. We'll just call her "Old Black Woman". She put her items on the counter and the fun began.

Old Black Woman: "Where that pretty mother fucker that works here?"
Trashman: "I'm standing right in front of you."
Old Black Woman: "Oh you cute but I'm talkin' bout that hot white boy with the light blue eyes."
Trashman:"Oh, you mean Pretty Boy. He'll be here tomorrow."
Old Black Woman: "I take that mother fucker home and lick his ass dry."
Trashman: "I'll be sure and let him know. You have a good evening."
Sam: "I just puked in my mouth."

Counter Monkey Conversations II

2009-11-04T22:56:00.000-06:00

The boss lady and I were standing out front the other day having a cigarette. I think we'll call her boss lady. This is what we were talking about. Store brand Twinkies.

Trashman: "You were right about those store brand Twinkies. They're fucking delicious with some ice cold milk. So much better than the real thing. In fact it's like an orgasm in your mouth. I take that back I've never had an orgasm in my mouth."
Boss Lady: "There's nothing wrong with an orgasm in your mouth."
Trashman: "Well I guess they do have that white creamy filling."
Boss Lady: "I like mine with chocolate milk."
Trashman: "You drink chocolate milk with the orgasms in your mouth?"

Keep on keeping on.

I Feel Pretty

2009-11-03T19:40:00.000-06:00

Sunday night a cute little gal came into the store to buy some gas. She was a little thick but not too thick and she was pretty as a speckled pup. Plus she had a great rack which was displayed very nicely. I watched her walk back to her car and it was all good. A few minutes later she came back in for a Black & Mild (I'm guessing she's a pot head) I checked her I.D. and she was all of 22 years old. I watched her walk away again and she still looked fanfuckingtastic from behind. Another minute or two and she was standing in front of me again buying a soda. Yet again I suffered the pain of watching her walk away. I don't know what she bought on her 4th trip into the store. All I remember her saying is "Do you want my phone number?" Hell yes I wanted her number. I wanted to tie her up and do dirty things to her until she learned to love me like all the others have. I wanted to coat her in chocolate sauce and lick it all off. I wanted to make her call me Daddy. I wanted to ruin her for all other men. But all I said was "I'm married." She turned and walked out of my store and my life. She is however been stroke material for the last couple of days.

Oh and before I forget.

THAT'S RIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS. I STILL GOT IT. I'M THE MOTHER FUCKING MAN. SHE WANTED A BIG OL' SLICE OF TRASHMAN PIE. THIS OLD MAN CAN STILL REEL THEM IN. I AM THE FUCKING SHIT. YOU LADIES ALL KNOW YOU WANT SOME. But I'm married.

Keep on keeping on.

Another Restaurant Review

2009-11-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

Today Jen and I went to lunch. Something we very rarely do, simply because we can't afford lunch and mostly we can't stand the company of one another. That's a joke. Sometimes we can afford lunch.

We stopped in at a dive that I pass on the way to work. Some guys had come into the store one day and told me it was great food, large portions and a cheap price. We were over that way today so we stopped in. The place has been there for about 40 years and I don't think they've redecorated a damn thing in that time. It's dark and dingy. There's animal heads, fish and rattle snakes mounted on the walls. My kinda atmosphere.

Charlie's Steak House
15601 Visions Dr.
Pflugerville, Texas

Jen had the nachos which consisted of 10 tortilla chips with refried beans and frijoles with squares of American cheese melted on them, all topped off with a slice of jalapenos on each one. The cost. $3.25

I had the chicken fried steak which is served with salad, fries (just fries, there's nothing french about them) a piece of toast and cream gravy. Cost. $8.75

Jen says the nachos were O.K. kinda of like you would expect them to make them 20 years ago. As far as my lunch goes, well we all know (if you've read me in the past) I have temperature issues with my food. No issues here. It was all hot enough to blister my mouth. Except for the salad. The ranch dressing was homemade. Good start. The chicken fried steak was homemade. I've had better but it was edible. The gravy was good. The toast was perfect and the fries could have been cooked a little longer. Everything was pretty O.K. up until Jen saw the cracker in the bottom of my water glass. I didn't have any crackers. For some reason I didn't complain. I think it was because there was an ashtray on my table. That's right. You can smoke there. To me that makes it all worth it.

I'll be posting everyday all month. With any luck I'll get my groove back and the post will get better. Keep coming back and reading, don't forget to leave a comment. Fuckers.

Keep on keeping on.

Counter Monkey Conversations

2009-11-01T12:11:00.000-06:00

Notice the fine ass on this magazine cover? Sorry for the picture quality it's the best I could do on short notice.

Last night my asst. manager "Sam" and I were spending a lot of time admiring this fine piece of meat. At one point we were standing at the end of the counter next to the bathrooms and having a little dialogue. We were the only ones in the store at the time. We were talking very loudly.

Trashman: "Hey Sam. That's got to be the greatest ass in the world."
Sam: "Yeah that is a beautiful ass."
Trashman: "I would eat that ass like it was pussy."
Sam: "I know man. It's a fucking work of art."
Trashman: "I would eat the shit out of her ass."
Sam: "You have no idea the things I would eat out of her ass."
Trashman: "I would take a miners light and make sure I got every inch of that sphincter. I would wash her guts with my tongue."

That's when we heard the flush in the men's room. Our heads snapped up from looking at the cover to staring at each other like a couple of deer caught in the head lights. I said "Who knew?" I don't know why I said it I just did. Sam busted out laughing and ran in the office. I grabbed my cup and went to the soda machine. The whole time I was telling Sam how nasty he was, let him take the heat. The men's room door opened and a guy came walking out. He didn't look at me, he just stared straight ahead. Sam is in the office howling like a crazy person, I'm at the soda machine watching the guy and the guy ain't looking at nothing but the door. He wanted out. As he opened the door to leave I said "Have a good weekend sir." Nothing. No wave, no thank you, no middle finger, nada. How rude.

Keep on keeping on.

Annual Halloween Post

2009-10-31T11:22:00.000-05:00

Barack Hussein Obama aka "The Beast" is the president of your United States. The government is taking over banks and private businesses because they believe they are being run the wrong way. This is a socialist regime. Some congressmen want to give Hussein the power to turn off the Internet. Stop the flow of information. We are in a downward spiral. We are headed for hell. Just what "The Beast" wants. The cowardly panty waisted sissy liberals will turn to him to be saved. They'll give him more power. Your socialist muslim president has done nothing since taking over what used to be the most powerful nation in the world. Nothing except move us closer to third world status. He hasn't fixed health care. He hasn't closed Guantanamo Bay. He hasn't pulled us out of Afghanistan, in fact he has increased the troops over there. He said he wouldn't hire lobbyist and that's all he's hired. He said he would disclose the names of all White House visitors. He had to be sued for a partial list. He said he wouldn't increase taxes on the little guy but he did increase taxes on big corporations and they just passed it on to us. But hey he didn't do it. It's not his fault the greedy corporations didn't just eat the tax. He didn't tell them to pass it on.

He's a low life double talking back stabbing politician. Just like all the others. He won the Nobel peace prize for nothing. His writings have been compared to that of Julius Caesar. I'm betting more than just his writings compare to Caesar. I'm betting he will bring the down fall of America just like Caesar did the Roman Empire. We are doomed as long as he's in power. Doomed because history repeats itself. Caesar, Hitler, Lenin, Mussolini, Mao and the others that have destroyed their countrys, they know the path Hussein is headed down.

I know I usually tell a scary story for Halloween. I do have tales of battles with the dark side and demonic doings and ghost stories and shit like that. But to me this is scarier than all of that.

WAKE UP AMERICA before you wake up destroyed.

Just A Thought

2009-10-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

The next time you walk into a convenience store and that maniacal looking mother fucker behind the counter says "Hello" "How are you?" or any other stupid greeting, maybe you should think about answering him. Because the truth is he doesn't care how you are. He only says these things because the powers that be require him to, in order to keep his job. He doesn't care about you or your kids or your job or your day or the fuckin' crusty drawers you're wearing. Maybe he would rather have you tied up somewhere cold and and damp, dark and musty, while he methodically dismembers you and keeps you alive and awake during the process.

So when you walk into a store and the counter monkey says "Hey , how are you?" Maybe you should say "Great and yourself?" After all it could keep you free, in the sun and in one piece.

I'm just sayin'.

Keep on keepin' on.

V.D. and Nobel Peace Prizes

2009-10-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

Well somehow Hussein managed to win the Nobel Peace Prize. If I had known you could win for doing absofuckinglutley nothing I would have nominated myself. I'm sure I've done a lot more nothing than he has. He has managed to take 2 vacations and meet a lot of celebrities. Not to mention all the guest appearances on TV, numerous commercials and the Wednesday night parties at the White House. Other than that, he's done squat. I've done less squat however. I should get the fucking prize and the giant check that comes along with it.

Husseins big accomplishment towards peace is starting a speech with "Assalamu 'alaykum" and quoting the Koran. Has anybody else noticed that "Assalamu 'alaykum" sounds live a venereal disease?
"The doctor told me I caught "Assalamu 'alaykum" from that whore and it burns like hell, but these pills should clear it up."

Note to the muslim community. Mohammed or Muhammad or Moo-ham-ed or whatever the fuck you call him is a goat fucker. If you have issues with me and wish to meet him face to face feel free to email me.

Keep on keeping on and may the Great American Force be with you.

Where I'm At

2009-10-03T16:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many times I've started this post. Every time I do something else goes wrong. I think I'm finally past the point of no return. I don't know what else could go bad, so I'm trying again. If you want to know why I haven't been posting, keep reading. If you you don't want to read a bunch of complaining, stop now.

Let's start with car trouble. Both of mine are broke down. They have been for months. Can't afford to fix the truck and can't figure out what's wrong with the car. Right now I'm using a friends car that the repo man is looking for.

Next. The I. FUCKING R.S. They sent me a letter wanting $700.00 plus for 2007. I sent it to them then I sent the paper work explaining why I didn't owe them. They eventually agreed with me. Now they say they want another $300.00 plus instead of the $700.00 I already sent them. They haven't given back the $700.00 but they will as soon as I send them the $300.00 I've faxed them the paperwork numerous times proving I owe nothing but no one has ever received it. They wont give me a case worker name or number, they say whoever gets it off the fax machine will be the one working on it. In other words the entire I.R.S. is working on my case. I'm sure Hussein is behind this.

Third. I'm a month and a half behind on rent. The landlord ran of things for me to do to pay the rent. However I have found a regular paying job, or I should say a job found me. A friend of mine is a manager for a HUGE convenience store chain. She offered me a job and I couldn't find a way out so I said O.K.

That's the fourth thing. I am now a polyester adorned name tag wearing minimum wage counter monkey. I worked 2 weeks full time and since the store is not making enough money they cut everybody's hours. Now I'm part time. Go figure.

Where are we? Number 5. The medical issues. I finally got into see a doctor. My blood is still fucked up. She's pretty sure it's some kind of low grade leukemia. The kind you can sort of live with cause it kills you slow. Her words. I like her. She needed to see my old blood work. After a month of waiting she finally called me yesterday. She said in the past that I needed a bone marrow biopsy. According to the files from the old doctor I've already had the biopsy. I however know for a fact that I've never had that procedure. I drive myself to and from all my appointments. They sedate you for a marrow biopsy, plus I have no scar, on top of that if I would have had one I would still be complaining about it. It's my nature. She said she didn't know what to make of that. I said I did. It's called fraud. My blood sugar is getting better, but I'm always in pain. Which makes me irritable and not much fun to be around. Enough of that. Just know, pain sucks.

Part F. As in FUCK ME. My biggest issue. My oldest boy. He's not playing football this year which I'm not happy about but he did join R.O.T.C. which kind of made up for the football thing. This summer he got a no trespass warning from Hobby Lobby because a friend of his was on the intercom system and said some stupid shit. They got caught and the police brought him home. It all originally started with this stunt which was forgivable. The second time wasn't. Then he decided to set the school on fire. He claims it was and accident. I almost believe the accident part. But I had to do what I do to keep him from getting charged with felony arson. Instead he got charged with a class B misdemeanor. He was arrested, finger printed and released to my custody. He is attending an alternative school for 30 school days. He has to pay for the damage to the library. Then at some point he has to go to court where he could face up to 180 days in jail and a huge fine. When I say he has to pay that really means me. All he's really facing is 180 days in juvenile hall. I can't let him go to jail. I always wanted him to do better than me. I'll do what I gotta do to keep him out even though it's just gonna make him think he can always get away with shit. All I can do is hope he learns something this time.

This is just a partial list of the shit going wrong in my life. There's tons of minor crap that I won't even bother to list. It all seems trivial until you lump it together. Hopefully I've made somebody feel better about their own life.

Just in case y'all didn't know Jack is going to Iraq. I don't know when he ships out. All I know is it really sucks.

Zelda. I got something for you.

Warning: Some Profanity

2009-07-30T18:17:00.000-05:00

Mother fucking, cock sucking, low life baby raping, after birth eating, ass licking, ball twisting, piece of shit, scrotum slobbing, son of a bitch, turd in a fucking fish bowl. I now have liquid nuts.

So much shit has happened, if I was to list it all, nobody would fucking believe so much bad shit could happen to one person in such a small amount of time.

Every body's life should be doing just fine. God is concentrating all His wrath on me. I have definitive proof God hates me.

I'm switching my religion to Voodoo and not just your average Voodoo either. I'm switching to FUCKING Voodoo.

I'm Done

2009-07-24T20:36:00.000-05:00

Just took another shot to the nuts.

Breaking Point

2009-07-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

Somebody famous once said something about the measure of a man is not how often he gets knocked down but how often he gets back up. Or something along those lines.

What this famous person didn't take into consideration, was the fact that when life knocks you down sometimes the world stomps on your nuts. If the world stomps on your nuts long enough then no matter how hard you try, you ain't gettin back up.

My nuts resemble smashed potatoes.

Hey World

2009-07-20T14:32:00.000-05:00

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. AND FUCK YOU.

It's Official

2009-07-01T17:30:00.001-05:00

God hates me.

Spanish Moon

2009-03-31T19:16:00.000-05:00

My youngest son (T3) has a great sense of humor. His delivery is always right on time and flawless. He will sit for hours and never say a word then suddenly out of left field he'll hit you.

I was going to do some laundry (women's work) and I wanted him to gather the dirty towels and some hangers for me.

Trash: "T3. I need a couple of things."
T3: "What? A hooker and an eight ball?"
Trash: "Damn it. Now I need four things."
T3: "Let me guess. Three hookers and an eight ball?"

Funny fuckin' kid.

I got a call from an unknown number yesterday. I said hello and waited through five seconds of silence. Just as I said FUCK YOU and got ready to hang up I heard a woman say hello. If this was you and I know you then I'm sorry about that. If I don't know you, then.... well FUCK YOU.

Speaking of phone calls. My number is going away (long boring story). I have a new number waiting. If you have my number and want the new one email me. If you don't have my number email me. And any ladies out there that just want to talk dirty to me and guess where my other hand is, email me.

It's nekkid time again. Keep on keeping on.

The Nekkid Truth

2009-03-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

I like being naked. I love being naked. I would be naked all the time if I could. There are two problems with this.

1. I have seen me naked. It ain't pretty. Regardless of the fact that all women find me attractive, I still know it ain't pretty. Maybe it's my rugged good looks or my charm or my wit and personality that turns the women on, it however ain't my body. It could be the fact that I'm all man or the lightning bolt on my winky. There's no understanding women, they are after all women.

B. The other problem is. I like to touch myself. If I was naked all the time I wouldn't get much done. I would be too busy choking my monkey. So I always have some kind of pants on even when I'm alone in the house. Like right now. This would be a good time to be nekkid.

Gotta go.

A Letter

2009-02-16T10:53:00.000-06:00

Dudes,

Stop hatin' me. It's not my fault. Don't sit there and say "What is he talking about?". You know. I know. Your woman knows. I see you see her looking at me. I see the anger in your eyes. I see the desire to want to kick my ass. I see you realize that would be a big mistake. I see your shoulders slump ever so slightly in defeat when you recognize the fact that she wants me and there's nothing you can do about it. Luckily for you I have a woman. A woman that has stuck by me no matter what, so I'll stick by her no matter what. Otherwise I might just take yours. Not because she's special, because I can. So the next time you see me and your woman sees me use it to your advantage. Take her home and knock the bottom out of that shit. Do you really care that she'll be thinking about me? Do you really care that she'll be screaming my name? You want to be me anyway. So for a few minutes of your miserable existence you can pretend you're me. It doesn't matter because you're gonna be getting the best piece of ass that you've ever had. Simply because she saw me.

Trashman

No Hope No Change

2009-01-19T19:53:00.000-06:00

Anybody that knows me knows I don't like the French. As of tomorrow, if I could I would move to France. I think it would be better than living in a country that sold its collective soul to the devil. This is where all the pussy ass liberals get upset. You know the people that will physically attack you while they are protesting the violence of war. The same people that will throw rocks and fire bombs at police all in the name of peace.

The people that have attacked George Bush for the last 8 years now line up to kiss the ass of the devil. They've said all the wanted to about G-Dub and you're an idiot if you don't agree with them. Now they'll label me an idiot for speaking out against Hussein Obama. While it may be true I may be an idiot, I am not an idiot because I am against the Barack Attack.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a fan of the conservatives either. They kill doctors to save a fetus. Pro-Life my ass. Nope I belong to the common sense leave me alone and I'll leave you alone but if you fuck with me then I'm gonna open up a keg of whoop ass on you party.

For the last few days I've had to put up with living in a big blue dot in a red state. Now they're talking about how appropriate it is that Hussein's inauguration coincides with Martin Luther King Day. You know since he's the first African American president and all. I have news for you. Hussein is NOT African American. His father was a muslim from Kenya. His mother was a white woman from Kansas. He IS Americas first bi-racial or tri-racial or more racial president, he can't even qualify as African American since technically an African American is a decedent of former slaves. That and he's not black. He's mixed race. So to all the cult followers lining up to kiss his ass. You're kissing a mixed ass not a black ass.

Tomorrow will be a sad day. It's the day that America is handed over to a guy that has done nothing. NOTHING except say hope and change. And you fools bought into it. There is no HOPE because there will be no CHANGE. It's politics as usual. A guy that knows nothing and has done nothing in charge of a country where most people want to do nothing. Gone is the America where people worked hard and took pride in their work. Now it's all about what can the "gubment" give me.

Hell Hussein can't even have an original thought. His stimulus package is fixing roads and bridges. FDR did that way back when welfare was invented. It's just another way of making sure the people are dependent on the "gubment" teat. Another socialist control method. When the government controls the purse strings then the people have to comply, or else "Big Brother" might stop the welfare train.

Barack is going to tax us to death and possibly take away the our guns. The people can't have guns. With guns the people can take a stand. Hussein can't allow that. Before y'all call me crazy check into the guns and ammo sales. They've gone up. A lot. I'm not the only one that fears this take over. If you're smart you will too.

I guess it's true. You should be careful what you wish for. From the get go everyone knew that the Republicans would not three-peat. I was just hoping the Democrats would put in anybody but Hillary. They did. It's worse. A muslim socialist.

Now to the fun part. Whats right with this picture?

click to embiggen

That's right all the assholes in these mugshots are wearing Obama shirts. I wonder if they're going to be there tomorrow?

Check out this blog. Right now I consider her the smartest lady on the internet. Well written. Genius if you will.

10 Things & A Nightmare

2009-01-10T21:01:00.000-06:00

Last year Bent asked me to do one of those meme thingys. The way this one works is, I'm supposed to list 10 honest and interesting things about myself and pass it along to 7 others. I wont pass it on, simply because, after me what else could you want to read or write about. That's right. Nothing. It all starts and ends with me. So lets get started.

1. I love cereal. So much so, that I keep at least 4 different kinds in the house at all times.
2. I was nominated for best Sex Club DJ at a swingers convention in Vegas. I should have won.
3. As much as I love political correctness, I love the word retard more (ask my kids).
4. I'm not a big fan of the police (the rock group or the profession).
5. I beat my monkey at least once a day, sometimes twice.
6. I have a very addictive personality, whether its cigarettes, cocaine, or pussy. I have to be hooked on something or else not all is right in the world.
7. I can't stand when someone talks about themselves. That's less time we could be talking about me.
8. I have a problem with public speaking. First I freeze up then I choke. Followed by a full blown panic attack.
9. I have control issues. I have to be in charge at all times.
10. I LOVE to dance and I love to be nekkid. I really love dancing nekkid. But if I had to choose between the two I would pick dancing. People could watch me dance but I don't think people could watch me be nekkid. I once won a polka contest and a waltz contest. I'm simply the best.

Now on to part two of this post. On Thursday I got the opportunity to meet a fellow blogger. I met up with Nightmare in Austin. He was in the area for some kind of work thing so we made time to meet up and swap lies. First I had to convince Jen I wouldn't be killed and turned in to a skin suit. We met at the hotel bar and let me say it was like meeting up with someone I grew up with. We clicked like we had known each other all our lives. If you get a chance to meet this guy you should. I haven't laughed that hard since I watched that cat get shot (you must watch) on The Boondock Saints. He's definitely good people. I wish I had known him in my wilder days. I can see us sharing a bench in the local jail.
Nightmare: "That was cool."
Trashman: "Yeah. Let's do it again when we get out."
Yep. Could have been some great times.

Oh. Happy New Year fuckers.

Hope & Change

2008-12-28T18:51:00.000-06:00

Barack Hussein Obama (he's not my president) wants to create 3 million new jobs when he takes office. I imagine this is his vision of the future.

A New Adventure In Trashland

2008-12-22T17:51:00.000-06:00

I quit the construction business yesterday. I went to my partners house walked in and said "I quit". He took it better than I expected. I've had all I can take of this bullshit. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's like a giant weight has been lifted off me. How cliche. I felt better last night than I have in a long time. I couldn't sleep once again but this time it wasn't stress keeping me awake. It was excitement. The excitement of not knowing what was gonna happen next.

I am a little apprehensive about paying my bills, but I figured up how much I made on my last 5 jobs and it came out to about $2.00 per hour (little foreign children in sweat shops make more than I did). My partner bid low so we would get the jobs. It's a damn shame we got them. So between that and the fact that Americans are replacing wet-backs outside of Home Depot and contractors are paying the Americans less than they paid the wet-backs (because they can due to the fact that America is doomed). I decided it's time for a new career. I'm better off sitting at home than I am killing myself for $2.00 an hour. I figure after Christmas I'll start looking for a new path. Anything will do. I've been surviving off nothing, so minimum wage is a step up,plus I wont have to work as hard.

I'm going to spend the next few days relaxing and thinking. Maybe I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I know I'm going to clean out the garage and make some kind of home gym for the oldest boy. I have a few ideas about blog posts. So y'all should be entertained a little more. I also have a few ideas about making some money on the internets. You'll be seeing these changes soon. Gonna add some people to the blog roll and probably lose a few. I'm gonna try and change the way I approach life in general. Perhaps I'll try not to be as angry. Nope that will never work. I'll start out not as angry and let it build up instead of just blowing up. Nah. That wont work either. I'll just smile when I'm angry. That will confuse the shit out of people.

So in closing I just want to say Merry Christmas fuckers and keep on keeping on.

I Know It All

2008-12-18T14:55:00.000-06:00

OK peoples here's your answers. I know I'm late but I have good reason. I'm not telling you what they are, but I've got them. I'm not responsible for what you do with my advice. It's up to you to remember that you asked a guy that calls himself The Trashman for advice. Your questions are in normal print complete with misspellings and bad grammar. My answers are in bold italics, spell checked and brilliant.

Dear Mr trashmanHow does one go through life with the experiences you have nad NOT wind up in jail?Charmed

Charmed, I always thought of myself as the hand of God. I never did anything to anybody that didn't have it coming and I never meant any harm to those that were innocent. I like to think it was always my charm, wit, personality and my ability to lie that kept me out of trouble but I'm pretty sure there was some divine intervention. Having a great lawyer doesn't hurt either.

I would like to know When you are available to do some dry wall in my basement.Nightmare

Nightmare, I am available just as soon as you send me the account and routing numbers to your bank account.

I've gotta think of something good.Zelda

Mistress of the Mammaries, make it really good.

I'm a straight up housewife, but now realize home/car repairs are going to fall totally on me. Either I try to find someone to not rip me off to fix things (seems impossible) or I learn myself. Any suggestions where to start? The local community colleges seem to be a rip off on teaching these skills.Liz A,

Liz A, Seeing as you're a housewife I assume you have a husband (see how smart I are).You should see about getting a new husband. There's women's work and mans work. Home and car repairs is mans work. But if you like the husband you gots and he don't beat you none then I would suggest servicemagic.com for the home repairs (they thoroughly investigate the backgrounds of their contractors, don't accept first price, most contractors will bargain) and contact AAA for reputable mechanics in your area. Never use the BBB, anybody can join that circus.

I need to convince two guys that it is very important that they start drawing pictures of women's asses. How do I do that?Zelda

Oh Queen of the Biguns, Model for them or lie and promise to show them your tits.

How do you get a big whiny hillbilly from Texas to stop crying about Obama being elected and convince him that it was truly an act of God that brought this guy to the country at this time? And just read your post about the shield- I was so ambivalent about the end. Still can't tell if i like it. However, sons of anarchy kicks ass.Irish

Irish,Texas doesn't really have any hillbilly's and we don't tend to cry (real men don't cry) we usually leave the tears for those mamas boys up on the east coast. I really don't think God had anything to do with satan getting elected to the presidency. So I would say just let him rant and rave while you stand in the background and wish you were him.

Eventually, I'd like to get back to the dating scene again. But it's been a very long time, and I'm now in my 30's. So, how do I go about dating now? Any advice would be much appreciated!Beth

Beth, This is the 21st century it's OK for you to ask a man out on a date or a woman or even a couple, there's no such thing as 3 is a crowd anymore. 3 can be quite the party. I would suggest starting out slow, ask someone you know for casual sex for instance, oh I don't know, me? Even though I take my marriage vows seriously I think I could make an exception in the interest of helping you. We'll call it dating therapy.

I want to know how I can get money out of my daughters dead bead father who is over 23,000 behind in child support and is married to my sister with 2 kids that are "the devil's spawn" and he went to jail and was suppose to pay 2000 toward the back child support but no payment and was let go less than 30 days later and told to go back to court in feb. to prove that he has a job....yeah, like that will work when he has not had a job in the 35 years his pathetic body on been on earth.....how can this be resolved and me get my money and stay out of jail? BTW, did I mention he is on the FBI child sex offender list?dawn

dawn, Unfortunately there is no hope in ever getting him to pay up. Now I'm supposed to tell you what I would do in this situation. Don't try this at home. I do not recommend you do what I would do. I would kill him. If I was a woman in this situation. First I would find someone that knows someone that could take care of it for me, for instance an ex-pimp. Then I would spend an evening of B&D and S&M and lots of anal with the ex-pimp all on time stamped video of course as an alibi. While a completely unknown to me friend of the ex-pimp rid the world of the waste of oxygen. Like I said you shouldn't do that except maybe for the sex with the ex-pimp. What you should do is ride the ass of the local DA in your ex's county of residence. If you live in a community property state you can go after his wife's money also. You should be able to lien any cars or real estate and if you find the right lawyer you could probably seize any tax returns. You could also notify all his neighbors of the fact he's a sex offender. I'm betting most of them don't know. You would be surprised how many people don't check that sort of thing.

Dear Trashman,How do you stop wannabe east coast tough-guys from tenderly placing their once proud scrotal sacs in the dirty hands of corrupt Chicago politicians?Zelda

Sweet Globes of Grandeur, You don't. You just hope they get castrated.

Dear T, How do I stop my car from overheating? Could it have something to do with my doors not shutting? I'm braindead too. Any advise?Lindy

Lindy, You put water in the radiator every now and then. It has nothing to do with the doors. Braindead huh? Try shock therapy. Should fire the noodle back up.

Trashman,Which is better? Should I martyr myself or get my brothers worthless cousin Huessein to do it?Muhammad

Goat Fucker, I think you, Huessein and his worthless cousin should all martyr yourselves together. Try shoving dynamite up each others asses, light the fuses and see who gets to meet allah first.

Dear Trashy,I've got a problem maybe you can help with. I used to get great satisfaction from reading a blog. It was written by this redneck guy with a very checkered past, and he told hilarious tales which may or may not have been true. He also, from time to time, wrote touching posts with keen insight and feeling. Clicking his link and finding a fresh post was a true joy.What's the problem, you ask? Well, it's this: the guy has kinda been half-assing it. He barely posts at all these days. Some of his posts are on the lame side. It's like he's just going through the motions. I heard this guy has been going through some rough times...job and money troubles, family stuff, loss of a loved one...so I guess he has more on his mind than keeping me entertained with his blog posts. So, am I being selfish? Should I cut him some slack and be glad he posts at all, even though he's just mailing it in? Or should I encourage him to get off his ass and bring his blog back to its former glory? What say you, Oh Wise Trashman?Jack

Curious Jack, Wow that's a lot of question. Let's break it down. You used to get great satisfaction from a blog. I would suggest you try masturbation, it's a whole lot more satisfying.You say this "redneck" sort of fella wrote stories that amused you and made you think. Did you consider since he's a "redneck" sort of guy that maybe all that writing and thinking could possibly be making his head hurt? Now he's half-assing it and just going through the motions. He's lame and he's just mailing it in. Maybe by mailing it in he's trying to do his part to help keep the postal workers employed. Maybe the job and money problems are weighing down on him, maybe it's so much he never sleeps at night anymore. Now he's so tired he can't function well at all. Perhaps the loss of a loved one is hitting really hard during this holiday season, because it's the first season without the loved one. Yet you are only concerned about you and your entertainment. You expect him to keep up this facade just for your enjoyment? You expect him to put on the face of a clown just to make you laugh? It seems maybe he's not the one with the problem. It's all about Jack. Now that being said and taking everything he's going through into account. Personally I wouldn't give the fucker any slack. He's got a job to do and he ain't doing it. Crack the whip.

Dear Mr. Trashman

2008-12-07T21:26:00.000-06:00

I've been sitting here for an hour or so trying to convert inches into feet on some measurements I took of some vanities and back splashes. I need to figure the square feet so I can do a bid. My brain wont work. So right now I give up. Instead I decided to blog, which might be difficult since my brain don't work no more. So I'm up for some brain exercising. I've done this once before a long time ago, and Lois suggested I give up blogging and start a you tube channel giving advice. So I thought I would give it a try again on the old blog here. Plus it will make me use my head and give y'all the answers you need.

Here's what's gonna happen, you my dear readers are going to either leave questions in the comments section or email them to me (trashman64@gmail.com) and I will answer them. My answer will be exactly how I would handle the situation. You can ask my advice on any subject, I have the answer. You have one week. I will post the answers next Sunday night. If you want it to be private you better let me know. And if any of you ladies need private counseling just let me know. We'll work something out. ;)

Big Box Of Done

2008-11-30T21:28:00.000-06:00

Well. It looks like I made it. 30 days and 30 post later NoThroSnowMoFoBloPoHoMoJoJoJoDoeGroShoYoCrowThoBroLow is finally done. The angels sing. Now where's my fuckin' prize.

One More Fuckin' Day

2008-11-29T21:01:00.000-06:00

I often wonder if I'm boring. I know I don't do the exciting shit I used to do. I don't tell all my good stories cause I'm waiting on a book deal and why give it away if I can get paid for it. At the same time I look at my comments and I don't see very many. I also check my tracking thingy and I don't have near the number of readers I used to. I know some of the post are boring but November is a bitch. Posting every day can be real difficult. Posting on days when you just don't feel creative truly sucks. I don't want to do the mommy blog thing or the political blog thing or the photo blog thing or this is my family ain't they great blog thing. I much prefer the look at me I'm amazing, entertaining, smart, charming, witty, too good lookin' for words blog thing. I just gotta figure out how to get back there with out giving away too much content for free. I want to retire from physical labor and make money sitting at home writing. or go back to pimpin' either way don't require much effort.

Keepin' Her Happy

2008-11-28T20:08:00.000-06:00

One word. Butterball fuckin' turkey. Don't ever buy anything else. They got a pop up timer. It tells you when the bird is done. They're also not like eating a salt block. I bought one today so Jen could redeem herself. I would never tell her yesterdays fowl was fucked, but then again she knew it without me saying a thing. She tried, she really did. She got up early and cooked all day and other than the 10 or 20 trips I had to make to the store for forgotten shit, she didn't require a thing from me. It was a good day, Dallas won. I watched the game between naps. Then dinner was served.

I did the right thing. I ate it. I told her it was fine. She got mad, she knew differently and that means I lied to her. The boys told her it was good. Their lies were bigger. It really was OK. Other than the salty weird textured turkey, the salty gravy, the too brown, brown and serve rolls and the cold (should of been hot) green bean casserole. The corn, smashed taters, carrots, and scrimps were great.

Lets not forget dessert. The peach pie was wonderful and I hear the apple was good too. Jen likes pumpkin, the crust was like chewy glue. She just couldn't win. An angry Jen is not a good Jen. Luckily the Christmas tree is going up today. That makes Jen happy. A happy Jen IS a good thing.

Three Times

2008-11-27T14:19:00.000-06:00

It's that time again. Time for my annual things I'm thankful for or things I'm thankful for not having.

I'm thankful
1. That at least once a year Jen knows her role. She cooks and I watch football between naps.
2. All the girls I've loved before.
3. The price of gas has gone down.
4. The little briefs moments of silence between my kids arguments.
5. That it's still a little while before the devil is sworn in as President.
6. I'm not a Detroit Lion fan.
7. For Jell-O
8. For Jen fetching me a Jell-O
9. For spoons
10. For my right hand.
11. That I still have some teeth.
12. For mirrors. (I need to look at me)
13. For tater smashers. (Jens arms would really hurt if she had to smash taters with a fork)
14. For Sonics cherry lime aide.
15. For all the things I can think of for this list.
16. That NoMoPoHo is almost over.
17. For Vicodine (almost forgot)
18. For naps.
19. That some of y'all comment. (the rest of y'all need to work on that)
20. That this is the end of this list.

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody out there that didn't vote for Obama. A very special Happy Thanksgiving to those that actually voted for me. And to those that voted for Obama. Thanks for bringing about the end of the world.

Leave A Message

2008-11-26T20:53:00.001-06:00

Hello. You have reached the Trashman. I can't come to my blog right now. I'm unconscious. I had the stitches ripped out of my mouth today and I took a handful of pills. If this is an emergency, too fuckin' bad. I'll be back tomorrow. If you don't read me tomorrow, you suck but Happy Thanksgiving anyway. Please leave a comment after the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEP

The Shield

2008-11-25T19:44:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the final episode. Part of me is glad it's over. My heart can't take it. I'm left on the edge of my seat at the end of every episode not to mention the cliff hangers at the end of the season. Always wondering how Vic Mackey was going to get himself out of his latest mess. Another part of me wants the show to last forever. For the same reasons.

Vic Mackey is a lousy cop. Which means he's a cop. They're all lousy, except for Jack. Jack is the ONLY clean cop I know. Not that I know a lot of cops. But I would venture from the headlines that there's not a lot of clean cops.Vic is as corrupt as a guy can get. That's actually one of the things I like about him and one of the things I can't stand about him. Cops should be clean. They're held at a higher standard and they should live up to it. Vic Mackey however is as dirty as............. something really dirty. He deals drugs. He beats up prisoners. He forces confessions. He kills other cops. Every bad thing he does is done to clean up the streets, sort of. He believes he does it to make the world a better place and I'm sure some of it does make the world better. But you can't justify killing cops. Killing the cop happened early on in the series, he did it for self preservation. I can almost understand that. I can't condone it but I can understand it. In fact I think that's the only really bad thing he did.

I like Vic Mackey. He was my fuckin' hero. Or he was until he sold out Ronnie on the last episode. He got to carry a gun and do whatever he wanted to do. It's a damn shame he dies tonight. I don't know if he really dies or the series just dies. I just hope they don't have the fade to black Sopranos end. I'm hoping for the everybody shoots everybody else Reservoir Dogs ending. One thing I hope happens is Vic gets Shane. I hope he kills that redneck idiot. This series wouldn't be ending if Shane wasn't such a fuck up.

There are a few others I would like to see 86'd on tonights episode.
Claudette (I can't stand this holier than thou bitch)
Aceveda (He sucks dick then has the guy with the dick killed, but hates Vic. Hypocrite)
Dutch (Serial killer in the making, also likes Vic's sloppy seconds, needs killing)
Corrine Mackey (Vic's wife. Turned on him. Bitch ain't no good.)
Mara Sewell- Vendrell (Shane's cunt wife. Total waste of oxygen)
Fuck why not kill them all. They could set off a nuclear bomb that Jack Bauer didn't find.

The show starts in 10 minutes so I'll probably know how it ended before anybody reads this. If you're nice and leave a comment maybe I'll tell you how Vic survives.

ADDENDUM:
Shane killed his wife (Mara) and kid before blowing his own head off. (I called this 2 weeks ago)
Aceveda is going to be elected mayor.
Dutch killed a 16 year old serial killers mom and blamed it on the 16 year old.
Corrine went into witness protection to hide from Vic.
Ronnie was arrested and will be sent to prison.
Claudette has lupus and will die the slow painful death she deserves.
Vic got his immunity deal and will sit behind a desk for three years, basically he's in his own version of hell.

It was one of the worst endings I have ever seen. What a fucking disappointment.

Last Supper

2008-11-24T21:52:00.000-06:00

Tonight my oldest hit me with a question from left field. Actually it was a two part question. He's always asking me weird shit but this was some of the weirdest. I guess it's his age, I hope it's his age. I'd like to think he's not one of those strange kids. Anyway he asked me, if I was on death row what would I want for my last meal and how would I want to be put down. I thought that would make a pretty good post. So I'm gonna tell y'all what I told him. "What the fuck is wrong with you, why would you ask me some fucked up shit like that? Dude you're fucked up, isn't it time for you to go to bed. You need some fucking therapy. That's fuckin' twisted. Really that's some fuckin' sick ass shit. Did I drop you on your head as a baby?"

Just kidding. Here's what I told him.
Green salad with ranch dressing
Fried shrimp
Stuffed crab
The biggest Kobe rib eye steak available - medium/medium rare
Prime rib - medium/medium rare
Stuffed peppers
Asparagus smothered in butter
Smashed potatoes
Broccoli
Sauteed mushrooms
Onion rings
Fettucini Alfredo
Biscuits and gravy
Two eggs over medium
Banana pudding
Black Forest cake
Peach cobbler
Bluebell homemade vanilla ice cream
A cup of coffee with Carnation Irish Cream creamer
A class of Borden Dutch chocolate milk
and wash it all down with a gallon or two of sweet iced tea.

After all that, if you can lift my fat ass, stand me up in front of the firing squad and pull the trigger.

My Weekend

2008-11-23T21:54:00.000-06:00

Crazy weekend. Texas Tech lost. Dallas won. True Blood had their season finale. I have a black eye from the dentist, plus I'm living on Jell-O and Vicodin. I want to post about the series end of The Shield but I'm not coherent enough. Thank you Vicodin. Built some earrings tonight. Maybe I'll mail them this week. We'll see. My bed is calling me. Gotta paint a house tomorrow, hopefully it's the last job like this I do. I'll try to do better tomorrow. I know this is not interesting but I want to stay in the running for a prize.

Keep On Keeping On.

Sexy Beast

2008-11-22T20:25:00.000-06:00

People magazine named Hugh Jackman as the sexiest man alive. That's fuckin' funny. First off who names their kid Hugh? What if he's a small guy? How will he live up to the name Hugh? Why not name him Large or Big? And the last name Jackman. When you think about it, his name means large masturbater. How did he survive childhood? Plus he's from Australia. There's nothing sexy in Australia.

I know they left out part of the interview. I happened to get my hands on it. So here we go.

2008's Sexiest Man Alive sat down with PEOPLE's Elizabeth Leonard and Julie Jordan to reveal his deepest secret.

EL & JJ: What was the first thing you did when you found out you were named sexiest man alive?

Hugh Jackman: I looked in the mirror and couldn't see what they saw. I couldn't believe they had picked me. Do they not know The Trashman? That's who they should have picked. He's far better looking, has more talent and is a much nicer guy than me. I mean if there ever was a sexiest man alive, then it's definitely The Trashman. Even Brad Pitt wishes he were that pretty.

Maybe he's smarter than I thought.