Since today is fathers day I thought I would tell a little bit about dear old dad. I think a lot of our behavior is decided by genetics as well as upbringing. So this may give you a little insight into my mind. I'm not like my dad yet I'm exactly like him. I know that's a contradiction but I'm a walking contradiction anyway.
This story covers about 11 years. In 1972 I met my dad for the first time, I was eight years old. He moved in almost instantly. The next four years were filled with emotional and mental abuse for my mother as well as me and my brother. Dad constantly cheated on my mom, mostly with his best friends wife. In 1976, dad whipped mom's ass one too many times, he had stupidly taught her how to use a gun. For this part of the story I'm going to refer to dad as OT (Original Trash). After he finished whipping her ass he went across the street and was drinking beer with his friend Jimmy.
Mom eventually managed to drag her ass off the floor. She got dads .22 pistol from their bedroom and headed across the street with me and my brother close behind. We knew this was going to be good. Mom walked up the front steps and right in the door, dad has his back to her and Jimmy's eyes were the biggest I had ever seen on a human. Jimmy screamed "LOOK OUT OT, SHE'S GOT A GUN." My dad jumped up from his chair and spun around. Faster than you could blink my mom shot him in the head. From about eight feet away she placed a bullet squarely in the middle of his forehead, he dropped like somebody that was just shot in the head. Unfortunately I come from a very hard headed bunch of people. My dad popped up from the floor like a psychotic Jack-In-The-Box, he had blooded running down his face and now he was really pissed. He grabbed the gun out of her hand and beat her with it until he got bored, meanwhile Jimmy got a fresh beer and went to check on something in the back yard.
Six months later they got into it again, this time mom used a new approach. She got the biggest butcher knife in the house and sat down on the couch across from him. Mom said "If you move, I'm going to kill you. If you don't move, I'm going to wait for you to go to sleep and THEN I'm going to kill you." Mom fell asleep first. Dad stepped into my room and told us that we knew where to find him if we ever needed him and he was gone from our lives.
Mom packed us up and we moved from North Texas to West Texas. She kept tabs on him for the next couple of years (she never stopped loving him). We found out he killed his best friend and married the widow. The widow died from cancer and dad wound up inheriting two bars. After that he disappeared.
Fast forward to 1983-84 (somewhere in there). I was working at The Armadillo Run, the phone rang and when I answered it the guy on the other end was asking to talk to me.
Trash: "Armadillo Run."
OT: "Can I speak to Trash?"
Trash: "This is him."
OT: "Hey son. It's me. OT"
Trash: "This some kind of joke?"
OT: "No. Your brother G found me and told me where to find you."
Trash: "What do you want?"
OT: "I want you to come to Oklahoma and work at one of my bars. I'll send you the money to get here."
Trash: "Send it."
I went to see my mom that night to tell her I was going to see dad. It wasn't pretty.
Mom: "You're doing what?"
Trash: "I'm going to see OT."
Mom: "You're no son of mine."
Trash: "It's something I have to do."
Mom: "Why?"
Trash: "Unanswered questions."
Mom: "I'll answer them."
Trash: "You can't answer these. They have to be asked a certain way."
Mom: "If you go after him, he'll kill you."
Trash: "He's older and slower."
Mom: "That doesn't make him any less deadlier."
Trash: "I can take him."
Mom: "Don't turn your back on him."
Trash: "Mom, I think I know what I'm doing."
Mom: "Well if you have to go then you have to go. I may never see you again."
Trash: "I'll be back someday."
As I walked out her door she said something the people in my family doesn't say very often. She said "I love you". I should have known then that I was in trouble.
When I arrived in Oklahoma I went straight to his house. I knocked on the door and OT answered. He hadn't changed much. Just a little older. He was 63 and still looked hard as rock. But he was older and I was 19. I was younger and faster and I had skills (or so I thought). I had had my share of fights and then some. Deep down I think I was preparing for this moment. The moment where I could make this son of a bitch pay and he was going to pay. I was going to take every beating my mom or my brother or I had ever received from this asshole out of his hide. I guess he could tell my intentions by the look on my face or maybe it was just the animal instinct he had inherited from the junk yard dog that had mothered him.
OT: "Well I guess you want to kick my ass?"
Trash: "Yep."
OT: "So I sent you the money so you could come up here and kick my ass?"
Trash: "Yep."
OT: "You know you're not the first one to try it, right?"
Trash: "Yep."
OT: "You sure you want to do this?"
Trash: "Yep."
OT: "I can't talk you out of it?"
Trash: "Nope."
OT: "I wish we didn't have to do this."
Trash: "Why, you scared old man?" (wrong thing to say)
OT: "Get in the yard so we don't break nuthin."
Remember mom told me not to turn my back on him. Well I forgot. I turned and walked down the steps into the yard, when I turned back around he hit me in the face with a 2X4. OT proceeded to beat me with the hunk of lumber, not hard enough to kill me or do any major damage but hard enough to hurt for a long time. When it came to handing out beatings the old man knew what he was doing. After he was done he stood there looking down at the pile of me in the yard.
OT: "You had enough?"
Trash: "Yep."
OT: "Then get up."
Trash: "You're getting soft."
OT: "What makes you think so?"
Trash: "You didn't kill me."
OT: "You can't kill your own kids. It just ain't right."
Trash: "But you can kill your best friend?"
OT: "Sometimes when another man has what you want, you just have to take from him."
Trash: "So it's true?"
OT: "Not a word of it."
Trash: "How come you ran away from her?"
OT: "She was going to kill me."
Trash: "All you had to do was stop beating her."
OT: "Yeah I know. You know of all the women I've had, your momma was the only one I ever loved."
Trash: "Bullshit. You've never loved anyone."
OT: "Yeah. You're probably right."
I was in Oklahoma for six months. OT never gave me the job he promised me. I saw him maybe once or twice a month. He tried to sell me a piece of shit pick-up for way too much money. You can't kill your own kids but you can cheat them out of money. I started selling him weed for his arthritis and he married for about the 15th time. She was 36 and attractive. He kicked her ass on a regular basis. When I left town I stopped by to say good bye. He was out of town. She was recovering from a beating. I got her stoned and we had barn yard sex. Maybe I'm a lover and not a fighter.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
DIXIE CHICKS
Every time I get ready to amaze you with another one of my stories, somebody does something really ignorant. This time it was The Dixie Chicks. If you remember three years ago Natalie Maines told a concert crowd in London, "We're ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas." Then when the backlash slapped the whores in the face they apologized. Some say they never really apologized but this was posted on their web site, 3/14/2003 - (Maines) "As a concerned American citizen, I apologize to President Bush because my remark was disrespectful. I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect. We are currently in Europe and witnessing a huge anti-American sentiment as a result of the perceived rush to war. While war may remain a viable option, as a mother, I just want to see every possible alternative exhausted before children and American soldiers' lives are lost. I love my country. I am a proud American."
Now the bitch has the audacity to say "I don't feel that way anymore, I don't feel he (Bush) is owed any respect whatsoever." Give me a fucking break. Talk about doing anything to stay in the headlines.
Her friend and fellow Dixie Whore, Martie Maguire said "I'd rather have a small following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith," Maguire said. "We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do."
All this time I thought I was cool and "got it" just to find out since I don't listen to the Dixie Sluts, I'm not and I don't. If listening to them is what it takes to be cool, then I want no part of it.
What I see here is the women trying to be popular by going along with the crowd. First they bad mouth Bush in front of foreigners for approval, then they come back here and found out they're not real popular, so they apologize and now it's OK to hate Bush, so they take back the apology. As far as I'm concerned they became traitors to our country the minute they bad mouthed the President of the U.S. outside our borders and they should have never been allowed to come back.
I know you're thinking "Wait Trash, you bad mouthed the President too." Yes I did. I do think he's gone crazy with power and I think he's ruining the Republican Party. The difference is I still support him on the war thing and I talked shit about him inside our borders and I didn't do it so people would like me. I said what I said because I believe it. Plus I'm running for President, so I'm supposed to talk "Trash".
I know my not buying their albums didn't hurt them. They're still rich, that's why they say the things they say. I never been a fan anyway. When I first heard "Earl Had To Die." the only thing I thought was, if some guy sang a song about some girl having to die, women would be screaming for blood. I don't do double standards. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that shit, you know?
Ten years from now we'll see them on VH1's "Really Stupid Things Celebrity's Did" show and their albums will be in truck stop discount racks. Natalie will be fatter then ever, Martie will be hooked on pain killers, Emily will be in a nut house and George W. Bush will be filthy fucking rich from all that gas money.
Note: It takes approximately $3,000,000.00 to run for President. I have two years to raise the money. See those bullets to the right? They go to my PayPal account, I suggest y'all start donating.
Now the bitch has the audacity to say "I don't feel that way anymore, I don't feel he (Bush) is owed any respect whatsoever." Give me a fucking break. Talk about doing anything to stay in the headlines.
Her friend and fellow Dixie Whore, Martie Maguire said "I'd rather have a small following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith," Maguire said. "We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do."
All this time I thought I was cool and "got it" just to find out since I don't listen to the Dixie Sluts, I'm not and I don't. If listening to them is what it takes to be cool, then I want no part of it.
What I see here is the women trying to be popular by going along with the crowd. First they bad mouth Bush in front of foreigners for approval, then they come back here and found out they're not real popular, so they apologize and now it's OK to hate Bush, so they take back the apology. As far as I'm concerned they became traitors to our country the minute they bad mouthed the President of the U.S. outside our borders and they should have never been allowed to come back.
I know you're thinking "Wait Trash, you bad mouthed the President too." Yes I did. I do think he's gone crazy with power and I think he's ruining the Republican Party. The difference is I still support him on the war thing and I talked shit about him inside our borders and I didn't do it so people would like me. I said what I said because I believe it. Plus I'm running for President, so I'm supposed to talk "Trash".
I know my not buying their albums didn't hurt them. They're still rich, that's why they say the things they say. I never been a fan anyway. When I first heard "Earl Had To Die." the only thing I thought was, if some guy sang a song about some girl having to die, women would be screaming for blood. I don't do double standards. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that shit, you know?
Ten years from now we'll see them on VH1's "Really Stupid Things Celebrity's Did" show and their albums will be in truck stop discount racks. Natalie will be fatter then ever, Martie will be hooked on pain killers, Emily will be in a nut house and George W. Bush will be filthy fucking rich from all that gas money.
Note: It takes approximately $3,000,000.00 to run for President. I have two years to raise the money. See those bullets to the right? They go to my PayPal account, I suggest y'all start donating.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Hello Operator? The White House Please.
What the fuck is this country coming to? I used to support GW. I even supported Clinton when he was in office. I haven't always agreed with either of them. Hell I never agreed with Clinton at all (except when he said a blow job wasn't sex) but I still supported him be cause he was the president of the greatest nation in the world. The good ol' USA. I now withdraw all support from Georgie. He has lost his fucking mind. I was all for the war, still am. I'm no longer for Dubya. In case you're missing my point, it's time to fire Bush and give somebody else a chance.
This latest atrocity of cataloging all domestic phone calls is pure insanity. The man is drunk with power. He says "all anti-terrorism efforts are within the law". I call bull shit on this one. It was bad enough that he allowed the agencies only known by initials to eavesdrop on calls made to the middle east. But this one is real fucking dangerous. I'm going to give you a little scenario. You do know what a scenario is, don't you? OK. Just making sure.
SCENARIO
Six people involved. These six people will be known as A, B, C, D, E and old friend. Pay attention. A calls B for a recipe. Guys known by initials catalog call. B calls C to find when little league game is. Guys known by initials catalog call. C calls D to talk dirty (D is a freak that way). Guys known by initials catalog call. D calls cousin E and just bullshits for a couple of hours. Guys known by initials catalog call. Now E calls old friend in Israel. Guys known by initials tape call. Old friend has ties to some middle eastern para-military organization. The Israelis bust old friend for knowing the para-military dudes. Israelis tell initial guys about it. Initial guys check for phone calls coming from the states. Oh look at this, E made a call to old friend. Who else is connected to E? Run a search through the data base. Well I'll be damned E is connected to A, B, C, and D. Now A, B, C, D and E are "possibly" terrorist sympathizers. They will be watched every minute of every day, just because they made a fucking phone call.
Do you see what I'm getting at? Were you also so aware that since digital cable and Tivo were invented that when you're watching TV, it's also watching you? It all seems a little Orwellian to me. Bet y'all didn't know I was a smart mother fucker, did you? Back to GW.
All the smart republicans are starting to distance themselves from him and there seems to be a lot of them (more than there are smart democrats anyway). I've never been a one party kind of guy. Hell I say the more party's the better. But if I had to describe myself by one of the big two, I would have to say I'm republican (I'm really more of a free radical. In other words I'm unstable and react quickly). HA, more intellectual humor. Sometimes I crack me up. Anyway I always figured the democrats were more socialist than anything else. They want to take all the money from the rich, let me rephrase that. They want to take all the money from the other rich guys and give it to the lazy. Not the poor, but the lazy. The ones on welfare and other socialist programs. Now before you bombard me with your liberal comments let me just say sometimes people need a hand and I'm cool with that. I'm talking about second, third and fourth generation etc .etc. etc. welfare cases here. So keep your liberalisms to yourself. You know what, fuck it. Hit me with your best shot. I'm right and you're wrong, I already won the argument, so what you say doesn't matter. It's been so long since I blogged I forgot how to stick to one subject. Once again back to Bush.
Between taping phone calls and cataloging phone calls GW has managed to get everybody's thoughts off the most troubling thing in America today. The gas prices. The oil companies are getting fatter and fatter (getting fatter is something I know a lot about) and at the same time GW's wallet is getting fatter. He can't be re-elected so he might as well leave office filthy fucking rich. And he's going to. He could have put a stop to the oil companies collusion and price gouging a long time ago. No, he chose to let them rape the American people on a daily basis and every time the gas companies fuck us in the ass, GW gets a little richer. We're all gas whores and Georgie is pimping us out.
Wait. It gets worse. Now GW has us in a war. He's taping and cataloging phone calls. He's pimping us out to the gas companies. And he's not doing a damn thing about the illegal aliens (funny how that all just went away isn't it?). Plus he has cut spending on important things like the war on drugs (even though we all know it's the guys known only by initials that bring in the really big loads). And because off all this he has practically given the keys of the white house to Hillary Clinton. That's right, the ball crushing, clit licking, bad haircut, can't keep her husband happy in the bedroom bitch, Hillary Rodham Clinton is likely going to be our next president. Except in Texas (I plan on running things here). I can't seem to get my name out nationwide, so I'll just run for president of Texas.
Bottom line? America is going to hell. Sorry Phelps it has nothing to do with gays. It has to do with George W. Bush selling us out.
If you need me I'll be packing for my government sanctioned vacation. I hear Guantanamo Bay is nice this time of year.
One last piece of intellectual humor.
Rene' Descartes stumbles into a bar and demands a drink. The bartender says "Don't you think you've had enough?" Descartes stumbles back two steps and says loudly "I think not." and disappears. Sometimes I really crack me up.
This latest atrocity of cataloging all domestic phone calls is pure insanity. The man is drunk with power. He says "all anti-terrorism efforts are within the law". I call bull shit on this one. It was bad enough that he allowed the agencies only known by initials to eavesdrop on calls made to the middle east. But this one is real fucking dangerous. I'm going to give you a little scenario. You do know what a scenario is, don't you? OK. Just making sure.
SCENARIO
Six people involved. These six people will be known as A, B, C, D, E and old friend. Pay attention. A calls B for a recipe. Guys known by initials catalog call. B calls C to find when little league game is. Guys known by initials catalog call. C calls D to talk dirty (D is a freak that way). Guys known by initials catalog call. D calls cousin E and just bullshits for a couple of hours. Guys known by initials catalog call. Now E calls old friend in Israel. Guys known by initials tape call. Old friend has ties to some middle eastern para-military organization. The Israelis bust old friend for knowing the para-military dudes. Israelis tell initial guys about it. Initial guys check for phone calls coming from the states. Oh look at this, E made a call to old friend. Who else is connected to E? Run a search through the data base. Well I'll be damned E is connected to A, B, C, and D. Now A, B, C, D and E are "possibly" terrorist sympathizers. They will be watched every minute of every day, just because they made a fucking phone call.
Do you see what I'm getting at? Were you also so aware that since digital cable and Tivo were invented that when you're watching TV, it's also watching you? It all seems a little Orwellian to me. Bet y'all didn't know I was a smart mother fucker, did you? Back to GW.
All the smart republicans are starting to distance themselves from him and there seems to be a lot of them (more than there are smart democrats anyway). I've never been a one party kind of guy. Hell I say the more party's the better. But if I had to describe myself by one of the big two, I would have to say I'm republican (I'm really more of a free radical. In other words I'm unstable and react quickly). HA, more intellectual humor. Sometimes I crack me up. Anyway I always figured the democrats were more socialist than anything else. They want to take all the money from the rich, let me rephrase that. They want to take all the money from the other rich guys and give it to the lazy. Not the poor, but the lazy. The ones on welfare and other socialist programs. Now before you bombard me with your liberal comments let me just say sometimes people need a hand and I'm cool with that. I'm talking about second, third and fourth generation etc .etc. etc. welfare cases here. So keep your liberalisms to yourself. You know what, fuck it. Hit me with your best shot. I'm right and you're wrong, I already won the argument, so what you say doesn't matter. It's been so long since I blogged I forgot how to stick to one subject. Once again back to Bush.
Between taping phone calls and cataloging phone calls GW has managed to get everybody's thoughts off the most troubling thing in America today. The gas prices. The oil companies are getting fatter and fatter (getting fatter is something I know a lot about) and at the same time GW's wallet is getting fatter. He can't be re-elected so he might as well leave office filthy fucking rich. And he's going to. He could have put a stop to the oil companies collusion and price gouging a long time ago. No, he chose to let them rape the American people on a daily basis and every time the gas companies fuck us in the ass, GW gets a little richer. We're all gas whores and Georgie is pimping us out.
Wait. It gets worse. Now GW has us in a war. He's taping and cataloging phone calls. He's pimping us out to the gas companies. And he's not doing a damn thing about the illegal aliens (funny how that all just went away isn't it?). Plus he has cut spending on important things like the war on drugs (even though we all know it's the guys known only by initials that bring in the really big loads). And because off all this he has practically given the keys of the white house to Hillary Clinton. That's right, the ball crushing, clit licking, bad haircut, can't keep her husband happy in the bedroom bitch, Hillary Rodham Clinton is likely going to be our next president. Except in Texas (I plan on running things here). I can't seem to get my name out nationwide, so I'll just run for president of Texas.
Bottom line? America is going to hell. Sorry Phelps it has nothing to do with gays. It has to do with George W. Bush selling us out.
If you need me I'll be packing for my government sanctioned vacation. I hear Guantanamo Bay is nice this time of year.
One last piece of intellectual humor.
Rene' Descartes stumbles into a bar and demands a drink. The bartender says "Don't you think you've had enough?" Descartes stumbles back two steps and says loudly "I think not." and disappears. Sometimes I really crack me up.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
11 Million
I wrote this last night. I was suffering from complete exhaustion and a very high degree of anger. I'm not happy with the way it turned out, but I ain't changing it either.
George Bush is pushing for new legislation. Legislation would make it a felony to be in the U.S. illegally. There would, also, be new penalties on employers who hire people here in the United States illegally. And fences would be built along one-third of the U.S. Mexico border. What the hell is he thinking. He must be out of his mind. It should be a felony to hire illegals and the fence should cover the entire border. Oh and mine fields too.
The catholic church has put in their two cents also. They have suggested that all good catholics should break the law if need be, to help protect "undocumented workers" also known as "wetbacks" in Texas and "scratchbacks" in California.
The Mexican government prints comic books telling THEIR citizens how to sneak into OUR country undetected and how to behave when they get here so they won't get caught and sent back. They also have a movement in Mexico that wants to take back Texas, New Mexico, California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and Oregon. Y'all may think I'm joking but this already happening.
Our government puts illegals through college, gives them healthcare and helps them through numerous other social programs. But you and me have to pay through the nose for everything.
It's time to put a stop to these bean eaters (not a racist remark, click here for proof). They sneak into this country and get credit and jobs with stolen social security numbers. They drive without insurance and with stolen tags. When they have an accident they either run away or give false information. Either way you're paying for your own car repairs. They take jobs our own citizens could be doing. I don't know about you but I'm tired of repeating my orders at drive-thru windows four or five times.
They only hurt the economy with their leaching off the system and driving up insurance costs. There are 11 million illegals in this country. That's a lot of tax dollars being spent on education, welfare and healthcare for people that shouldn't be getting it. Lets say only half of these illegals are getting government aid. That half is using at least four different identities. That's 22 million checks. Now lets say those checks average $500.00 a month (in reality I'm sure it's much more). So 22 million times $500.00 a month for 12 months is $132000000000 a year. That's over a billion dollars a year for people that don't pay taxes or benefit us in any way. I don't know about you put I could find much better uses for that money. Such as funding Drug Task Forces. Medical care for OUR own children. More (better, honest) police. Better education for OUR children. Lots of uses other than funding the take over of our country from our neighbors to the south.
Now I'm all for people coming here and making a better life for themselves. As long as they follow the same rules I do. Pay taxes. Buy car insurance. Pay for auto registration. Turn down the fucking stolen (Germans invented the polka) music. Don't party in the front yard. Don't raise livestock in your house or the city limits. Keep the number of people living in your house at a respectable level. And LEARN FUCKING AMERICAN. I don't have any problem telling mother fuckers to speak the correct language around me.
Another thing, keep your drug wars on your side of the border. I don't care how many mexicans you kill, just don't come over here and start shooting people. I have just barely touched on this subject. There's a lot more that I want to say. However I have to end this here. I have work in the morning and I want to get to Home Depot before all the good mexicans are taken.
George Bush is pushing for new legislation. Legislation would make it a felony to be in the U.S. illegally. There would, also, be new penalties on employers who hire people here in the United States illegally. And fences would be built along one-third of the U.S. Mexico border. What the hell is he thinking. He must be out of his mind. It should be a felony to hire illegals and the fence should cover the entire border. Oh and mine fields too.
The catholic church has put in their two cents also. They have suggested that all good catholics should break the law if need be, to help protect "undocumented workers" also known as "wetbacks" in Texas and "scratchbacks" in California.
The Mexican government prints comic books telling THEIR citizens how to sneak into OUR country undetected and how to behave when they get here so they won't get caught and sent back. They also have a movement in Mexico that wants to take back Texas, New Mexico, California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and Oregon. Y'all may think I'm joking but this already happening.
Our government puts illegals through college, gives them healthcare and helps them through numerous other social programs. But you and me have to pay through the nose for everything.
It's time to put a stop to these bean eaters (not a racist remark, click here for proof). They sneak into this country and get credit and jobs with stolen social security numbers. They drive without insurance and with stolen tags. When they have an accident they either run away or give false information. Either way you're paying for your own car repairs. They take jobs our own citizens could be doing. I don't know about you but I'm tired of repeating my orders at drive-thru windows four or five times.
They only hurt the economy with their leaching off the system and driving up insurance costs. There are 11 million illegals in this country. That's a lot of tax dollars being spent on education, welfare and healthcare for people that shouldn't be getting it. Lets say only half of these illegals are getting government aid. That half is using at least four different identities. That's 22 million checks. Now lets say those checks average $500.00 a month (in reality I'm sure it's much more). So 22 million times $500.00 a month for 12 months is $132000000000 a year. That's over a billion dollars a year for people that don't pay taxes or benefit us in any way. I don't know about you put I could find much better uses for that money. Such as funding Drug Task Forces. Medical care for OUR own children. More (better, honest) police. Better education for OUR children. Lots of uses other than funding the take over of our country from our neighbors to the south.
Now I'm all for people coming here and making a better life for themselves. As long as they follow the same rules I do. Pay taxes. Buy car insurance. Pay for auto registration. Turn down the fucking stolen (Germans invented the polka) music. Don't party in the front yard. Don't raise livestock in your house or the city limits. Keep the number of people living in your house at a respectable level. And LEARN FUCKING AMERICAN. I don't have any problem telling mother fuckers to speak the correct language around me.
Another thing, keep your drug wars on your side of the border. I don't care how many mexicans you kill, just don't come over here and start shooting people. I have just barely touched on this subject. There's a lot more that I want to say. However I have to end this here. I have work in the morning and I want to get to Home Depot before all the good mexicans are taken.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Toe Tags
As the title suggest I am sticking with the death theme. I'm sure a lot of you thought I was dead since I haven't blogged in 2 weeks. Truth is I've been working myself to death.
Some of you are aware that I am now contracting. Take my advice and stay out of this game. It ain't fun. I've been working for a real cheap oriental lady that owns a string of laundromats and I started a bathroom remodel yesterday. In between all that, another contractor called me to finish a house he's been working on. He just got out of the hospital and no work has been done for the last three weeks. He was in a bad situation because the house had to be ready for the 15th. We agreed on a price, he said he would pay on Friday and I began working. I busted my ass for 7 days, 12 and 14 hour days. I even rescheduled some of my other work (which caused me to lose a remodel) but his work was completed on time.
He didn't show up on Friday. However another sub-contractor did. He's been chasing the contractor for a month trying to get paid. I also found out he owes the painter and the plumber. I just worked a week for free. This is not unusual in construction. Sad, but not unusual.
I've done a lot of low down, rotten, dirty things in my life. I've sold, run and bought women and drugs (ATTENTION FEDS: the statute of limitations is up on all my crimes). I've even robbed a few people and stolen from big corporations. I have never taken food out of anybodys children's mouths. Anybody I ever stole from could afford it and it didn't hurt the little guy. I know somebody is going to say "Stealing from a company only raises the prices so in effect you did hurt the little guy blah blah blah." To these people I say "EAT ME."
I've made a lot of deals with people and I've always kept my end. Never have I looked a mother fucker in the eye and given my word with the intention of ripping him off (I'd rather stab him in the back). If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Sometimes it make take a little longer than I anticipated, but I get it done.
Some people need to be fitted for a toe tag and this guy is one of them.
On a lighter note. I always thought I was a funny mother fucker. I was wrong (I can admit it). After reading a lot of Charlie Callahans stuff, I now realize I ain't shit. I bow to the king.
Some of you are aware that I am now contracting. Take my advice and stay out of this game. It ain't fun. I've been working for a real cheap oriental lady that owns a string of laundromats and I started a bathroom remodel yesterday. In between all that, another contractor called me to finish a house he's been working on. He just got out of the hospital and no work has been done for the last three weeks. He was in a bad situation because the house had to be ready for the 15th. We agreed on a price, he said he would pay on Friday and I began working. I busted my ass for 7 days, 12 and 14 hour days. I even rescheduled some of my other work (which caused me to lose a remodel) but his work was completed on time.
He didn't show up on Friday. However another sub-contractor did. He's been chasing the contractor for a month trying to get paid. I also found out he owes the painter and the plumber. I just worked a week for free. This is not unusual in construction. Sad, but not unusual.
I've done a lot of low down, rotten, dirty things in my life. I've sold, run and bought women and drugs (ATTENTION FEDS: the statute of limitations is up on all my crimes). I've even robbed a few people and stolen from big corporations. I have never taken food out of anybodys children's mouths. Anybody I ever stole from could afford it and it didn't hurt the little guy. I know somebody is going to say "Stealing from a company only raises the prices so in effect you did hurt the little guy blah blah blah." To these people I say "EAT ME."
I've made a lot of deals with people and I've always kept my end. Never have I looked a mother fucker in the eye and given my word with the intention of ripping him off (I'd rather stab him in the back). If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Sometimes it make take a little longer than I anticipated, but I get it done.
Some people need to be fitted for a toe tag and this guy is one of them.
On a lighter note. I always thought I was a funny mother fucker. I was wrong (I can admit it). After reading a lot of Charlie Callahans stuff, I now realize I ain't shit. I bow to the king.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Putting The Fun In Funeral
Sometimes I'm a little slow when it comes to blogging. I usually have two or three ideas practically written in my head, but I can't do anything about it until I have a title. This should have been posted Friday night, but you had to wait because I can't finish until I know where to start. That out of the way, we can begin.
I had promised my mom awhile back that I would visit one week day sometime so I could go and help her pay for her funeral. Some of you may think that's a little morbid, but dear old mom and I pretty much have the same views on death. Ain't no use in crying over the dead. They're dead, your not, so keep on living. That and everybody dies sooner or later. Don't misunderstand me, I'll miss the old gal when she's gone but it's coming someday and I'm alright with her paying for it so I don't have to. Plus it leaves more room on her credit cards for me to play with after she's gone. Put you orders in now if you see something on Home Shopping Network that you've just got to have.
I got up early Friday and drove to The Patch with T3. We arrived around noon just to find out that the funeral home had a service at 1:00 so they couldn't take care of us until 4:00. We sat around mom's house for awhile waiting and chatting. T3 eventually got hungry so I paid him $5.00 to go inside and tell his grandmother "I'm hungry old woman." It was worth every penny. After lunch I went to the local video store and ordered a movie she's been wanting and we drove around until it was time to hit the parlor. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. The parlor, not the drive.
Funeral Lady: "Can I help you?"
Mom: "I have an appointment."
FL: "You're the pre-need?"
Mom: "I don't know. What's a pre-need?"
FL: "We have two kinds of customers. Pre-need and need now."
Mom: "Well since I'm not dead, I guess I'm a pre-need."
Mom cracking jokes a the funeral home. That's my cue.
Trash: "Explain pre-need."
FL: "Pre-need means purchasing the funeral in advance."
Trash: "Why need? Why not pre-pay? She doesn't really NEED a funeral. I could always just buy a shovel and dig a hole in the woods."
FL: "Well that would be illegal."
Trash: "Only if I got caught."
Funeral lady looked at my mom.
FL: "Burial or cremation?"
Mom: "Cremation."
FL: "Will you need an urn or box?"
Mom: "Neither."
FL: "By law the ashes must be kept in an urn or box unless you're going to scattered."
Mom: "I'll be scattered."
Trash: "where do you want me to dump you?"
Mom: "I was thinking a nice garden somewhere. What do you think?"
Trash: "I think along the road on the way back to Austin. The less time I spend doing this the more time I can devote to spending your money."
I looked at the Funeral Lady.
Trash: "So do you just hand her over in a take out box or a paper bag or something?"
FL: "No. The ashes are in a plastic bag inside a plastic box."
Trash: "Is there ever any pieces of bone left?"
FL: "It could happen. Why?"
Trash: "I was planning on making a necklace to remember her by."
FL: "Ma'am. Did you want a service?"
Mom: "No. There's no sense in wasting money?"
FL: "What if your family wants something to remember you by?"
Trash: "I'll video tape me dumping her ashes along the road, singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead."
Mom: "You better not sing that."
FL: "That was cruel."
Mom: "I don't care about the song. He just can't sing worth a damn."
Trash: "Could we get a cheaper rate if I drove her to the crematorium my self? I could just prop her up in the passenger seat."
FL: "That's not possible the body must be transported in a cremation casket."
Trash: "OK. I have a truck, I could just slide it in the back."
FL: "Sir there is no way for you to transport the body."
Trash: "What if somebody else is getting cremated on the same day. Can we dump them in together and split the bill?"
FL: "SIR. The cost is the cost. It is not possible to lower it and it's illegal to cremate two body's together."
Trash: "Only if you get caught."
FL: "Ma'am, are you sure you want him to handle your affairs?"
Mom: "He's the best one for this job."
Trash: "Y'all don't burn the cremation caskets, do you?"
FL: "No."
Trash: "Would you be willing to sell one?"
FL: "Why?"
Trash: "I want to turn it into a coffee table and keep her ashes in it."
FL: "Why would you do that?"
Trash: "So I could throw myself across it from time to time screaming WHY, MOMMA, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE."
FL: "I can't sell you one."
Trash: "OK. How about a used hearse?"
Mom: "You are definitely crazy."
Trash: "Well I did come by it honest."
FL: "Ma'am, can you please get him out of here?"
Mom: "Yes I can. I feel like having some ice cream anyway."
Trash: "Every funeral should be followed by a chocolate sundae."
Mom: "I guess if I ever die I'm going to miss you."
Trash: "Yeah me too. By the way where do you keep your checkbook and credit cards?"
I had promised my mom awhile back that I would visit one week day sometime so I could go and help her pay for her funeral. Some of you may think that's a little morbid, but dear old mom and I pretty much have the same views on death. Ain't no use in crying over the dead. They're dead, your not, so keep on living. That and everybody dies sooner or later. Don't misunderstand me, I'll miss the old gal when she's gone but it's coming someday and I'm alright with her paying for it so I don't have to. Plus it leaves more room on her credit cards for me to play with after she's gone. Put you orders in now if you see something on Home Shopping Network that you've just got to have.
I got up early Friday and drove to The Patch with T3. We arrived around noon just to find out that the funeral home had a service at 1:00 so they couldn't take care of us until 4:00. We sat around mom's house for awhile waiting and chatting. T3 eventually got hungry so I paid him $5.00 to go inside and tell his grandmother "I'm hungry old woman." It was worth every penny. After lunch I went to the local video store and ordered a movie she's been wanting and we drove around until it was time to hit the parlor. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. The parlor, not the drive.
Funeral Lady: "Can I help you?"
Mom: "I have an appointment."
FL: "You're the pre-need?"
Mom: "I don't know. What's a pre-need?"
FL: "We have two kinds of customers. Pre-need and need now."
Mom: "Well since I'm not dead, I guess I'm a pre-need."
Mom cracking jokes a the funeral home. That's my cue.
Trash: "Explain pre-need."
FL: "Pre-need means purchasing the funeral in advance."
Trash: "Why need? Why not pre-pay? She doesn't really NEED a funeral. I could always just buy a shovel and dig a hole in the woods."
FL: "Well that would be illegal."
Trash: "Only if I got caught."
Funeral lady looked at my mom.
FL: "Burial or cremation?"
Mom: "Cremation."
FL: "Will you need an urn or box?"
Mom: "Neither."
FL: "By law the ashes must be kept in an urn or box unless you're going to scattered."
Mom: "I'll be scattered."
Trash: "where do you want me to dump you?"
Mom: "I was thinking a nice garden somewhere. What do you think?"
Trash: "I think along the road on the way back to Austin. The less time I spend doing this the more time I can devote to spending your money."
I looked at the Funeral Lady.
Trash: "So do you just hand her over in a take out box or a paper bag or something?"
FL: "No. The ashes are in a plastic bag inside a plastic box."
Trash: "Is there ever any pieces of bone left?"
FL: "It could happen. Why?"
Trash: "I was planning on making a necklace to remember her by."
FL: "Ma'am. Did you want a service?"
Mom: "No. There's no sense in wasting money?"
FL: "What if your family wants something to remember you by?"
Trash: "I'll video tape me dumping her ashes along the road, singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead."
Mom: "You better not sing that."
FL: "That was cruel."
Mom: "I don't care about the song. He just can't sing worth a damn."
Trash: "Could we get a cheaper rate if I drove her to the crematorium my self? I could just prop her up in the passenger seat."
FL: "That's not possible the body must be transported in a cremation casket."
Trash: "OK. I have a truck, I could just slide it in the back."
FL: "Sir there is no way for you to transport the body."
Trash: "What if somebody else is getting cremated on the same day. Can we dump them in together and split the bill?"
FL: "SIR. The cost is the cost. It is not possible to lower it and it's illegal to cremate two body's together."
Trash: "Only if you get caught."
FL: "Ma'am, are you sure you want him to handle your affairs?"
Mom: "He's the best one for this job."
Trash: "Y'all don't burn the cremation caskets, do you?"
FL: "No."
Trash: "Would you be willing to sell one?"
FL: "Why?"
Trash: "I want to turn it into a coffee table and keep her ashes in it."
FL: "Why would you do that?"
Trash: "So I could throw myself across it from time to time screaming WHY, MOMMA, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE."
FL: "I can't sell you one."
Trash: "OK. How about a used hearse?"
Mom: "You are definitely crazy."
Trash: "Well I did come by it honest."
FL: "Ma'am, can you please get him out of here?"
Mom: "Yes I can. I feel like having some ice cream anyway."
Trash: "Every funeral should be followed by a chocolate sundae."
Mom: "I guess if I ever die I'm going to miss you."
Trash: "Yeah me too. By the way where do you keep your checkbook and credit cards?"
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