Dear Jack

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. First I didn't dick around all day. I worked which left me only a little bit of time. And if I wasn't working I was sleeping. I didn't hitchhike from Florida to South Dakota. I went out in the storm of the century and picked you up hitchhiking from San Antonio. You promised to never mention Garth Brooks to me again. No I never got the 20 bucks and I still hurt from the broken heart he gave me. It wasn't a 73 Cougar it was a 87 Dodge minivan (the most uncool automobile on the road) and if I hadn't taken the heat for that one you-know-who would still be eating the cock meat sandwiches (I hated seeing you.....I mean a grown man cry). Also that Alamo was really a Burger King and the musket was a straw with spit balls. It's amazing what time and destroyed brain cells will do to the facts. I've never seen Ac/Dc in concert. It was Ratt and Poison and y'all are lucky I didn't go party with Brett when he invited me to. It's a long walk from San Antonio. Dine and dash? I don't run. I walked out to the car. You and Conrad ran screaming like girls.

Yes a lifetime of adventure. Most of it in my head. Scribble? Ha. I'm the Hemingway of the 21st century. So I'll probably be famous after I'm dead.

Jack, you are a man of your word.

Keep on keeping on.

Big Box Of Nothing

I don't know what to write about. It's late and I only have an hour till midnight. That's not enough time. I could write about Hussein or race relations or the fact that liberals are the devils disciples. I could write about Jr. and his six months probation and 8 hours community service. I could write about the wanna be gang bangers at his school. I can't write about work because nothing has happened. I cant write about Jen because she's a secretive type person while I'm a balls out kinda guy. I could write about my brothers new dog training school. I could write about a few internet ideas I'm trying to put into play. I could write about the bullet earrings y'all stopped buying. I could write about the two broken cars in my drive-way that make me official white trash. I could write about my wonderful landlord that's letting me live two months behind. I could write about how the bones in my arms and legs constantly feel like someone is bending the to the point of almost breaking. I could write about the disease I've decided that I have. It's called emphylukebetes and it's killing me. The problem is nobody wants to hear this shit anyway. This month of posting is all about quantity not quality. So I bring you another quantity post.

That's it.

You Ain't Hard

I worked alone the other night and I went to take a piss during a lull in the customers. The store was empty and nobody was entering the parking lot, so I cut a trail for the pisser. Just as I was about to turn on the water to wash my hands (I'm clean like that) I hear someone yelling in the store. I didn't even hear the familiar ding ding of the door when it opened. Considering the language being used during the yelling and the demographics of the neighborhood I deduced that it was one of the local thugs. I continued to wash my hands (cause I'm still clean like that).

Thug: "You. Anybody here? What the fuck, yo? Do I gots to get my own shit, yo? Yo, where the fuck you at? Yo. I'ma jump this counter, yo. Yo I needs some help."

I opened the door and walked out still drying my hands.

Trash: "You need to have a little patience."
Thug (trying to sound like a bad ass and very loudly): "I need some gas and a Black & Mild."

I walked past the garbage and threw away my paper towel and strolled up to the counter. I put my hands on the counter and leaned forward and in my best fuck you voice.

Trash: "You better have some respect."
Thug (mildly): "Can I have some gas and a Black & Mild............please."
Trash (with a smile): "Sure."

I'm hard like that.

Assortment

Went to the high school today and yelled at the assistant principal's secretary. After almost making her cry or call the campus cop I was informed she would have the principal call me. He never did. I'll be back there in the morning.

My computers syphilis flared up today. Hopefully I've given it enough penicillin .

A few of you ladies decided to comment on my last post. First the proper shoe color is red. Black is a good substitute but only for the men that want to be controlled by the lady folks. Red is a whore color and that's what the real men like. Also I can tell from the comments that a few of you didn't understand rule 31. Study it, then get back to me.

I watched "The Ugly Truth" tonight. You must see this movie. Not only is it good and there's a lot of lessons for you women but, Katherine Heigl is fucking delicious. Oh the dirty things I would do to her.

That's it.

The Trashman Is Down With The Bitches And Hos

I have come up with a written set of rules for all the wives and girlfriends out there. I know what I'm talking about. You should really listen. If you do listen to me you will have a happy relationship.

1. Barefoot and in the kitchen are perfection. You should strive for it. Pregnancy is optional. Your man will make the call.
2. Dinner will be warm and on the table, unless it's supposed to be served cold. Then it will be cold and on the table when he comes home.
3. It's best to greet your man at the door on your knees. Tilt your head back like a baby bird waiting for dinner. You'll get the worm.
4. Make up was invented for a reason. Use lots of it. Spackle knives are sold at any hardware store.
5. Sweat pants and large t-shirts are NOT an allowable clothing option.
6. Your husband's sexual satisfaction should be priority one.
7. A woman's place is in the home. She should go there directly after work.
8. We will NOT like your new best friends husband. So don't make couple dates.
9. It is O.K. for you to walk around naked.
10. It's not O.K. for you to bitch if we leave the door open when we take a shit.
11. It' s not O.K. for you to bitch, period.
12. Let your guy catch you masturbating every now and then.
13. When I tell you how I want my sandwich made, make it that way. Don't improvise. If you do, you're wrong.
14. It's O.K. for us to look at other women but it's not O.K. for you to look at other men. Men are visual creatures, women are emotional monsters, therefore you don't need to look at other men.
15. A threesome with your sister or mother or some other close hot female relative are a great birthday present.
16. Don't nag.
17. If we say the game is on, don't bother us. It doesn't matter which sport, it's "the game". So shut up.
18. Farts ARE funny.
19. When it comes to sex (ha I said come) be open minded. Try the tea bag thing or perhaps the Dirty Sanchez.
20. Laugh at our jokes. Especially when we're not funny.
21. NEVER EVER EVER give us shit in front of our friends.
22. Just cause we don't say "I love you" doesn't mean we don't love you. If we didn't love you we wouldn't be there. Unless you're really rich or really hot.
23. Always make sure you look your best.
24. It's O.K. if we get fat, but that's a one way street.
25. I'm sorry you're just not as good a cook as Mom is. Get used to it.
26. It's a man's world. Know your role.
27. Wearing nothing but a pair of red 4" heels will get you pretty much anything you want.
28. If you want us to stick our tongues in there, shave it. Waxing is even better.
29. Try anal, at least 10 times before you decide you don't like it. Then do it anyway if that's what he wants.
30. Swallow.
31. We're always right, and if we're wrong that's the best time to tell us we're right.

Ladies if you follow these few simple guidelines I can promise you a lifetime of happiness. If you follow this list and you don't get a lifetime of happiness, then you did something wrong.

Keep on keeping on

Run For The Border

Jen and I were getting ready for work today when she walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Now I find this look very appealing and I let her know.

Trash: "Man you're hot. I really like that look."
Jen: "Shut up. I know what I look like. I hate when you lie."
Trash: "No really, that turns me on."
Jen: "You better stop."
Trash: "Listen, just cause you don't like the way you look, don't mean I cant like the way you look."
Jen: "You're blind. Leave me alone."
Trash: "No baby, you look good wrapped in that towel. Like a big ol' over stuffed burrito."

Keep on keeping on.

Cock Blocking 101

I worked with Pretty Boy again tonight and another hot chick came in. We'll call her New Hot Chick. Right away Pretty Boy starts with the flirtations.

Pretty Boy: "So what are you doing tonight? Got a date?"
New Hot Chick: "No. I'm going out with some friends. I'm the third wheel."
Pretty Boy: "You're to cute to be a third wheel."
New Hot Chick (giggling): "Thank you."
Trash: "You said the same thing to me last night."
New Hot Chick: "I thought I was special."
Pretty Boy: "You are special."
Trash: "Yep. You said that to me last night too."
Pretty Boy: "Stop that...........dick"
Trash: "You definitely didn't say that."

Keep on keeping on.