Vanity, Pride, Headaches

Nightmare has made the revenge list. Not for the questions from the last post, but for tagging me with one of those fucking meme things. Here are the directions: Write 5 random facts about yourself, and then list the names of 5 people whom you in turn infect (infect is the correct word because it takes a diseased mind to come up with this shit). These things are called meme's for a reason, they're all about vanity, which I'm an expert at. So here's my fucking list. Heaven forbid I rebel and fight the system.

1) Women find me attractive.....and I know it.
2) I'm a very shallow person.
3) I prefer women with small breast and a great ass. But the right set of boobs will catch my eye. Inanna and Zelda know what I'm talking about.
4) I have a unnatural deep seated fear (I blame the Southern Baptist) of going to hell.
5) Regardless of what Jen says, everything is all about me.

Now for the list of people I'm going to infect. Nobody. If you want to do this and give me credit fine, but I refuse put anybody on the spot, at least with a list, I normally enjoy putting people on the spot, on my terms.

Side note to Michael: You were think about my "stick" and it hadn't even entered my mind.

As y'all can see I'm trying to write more often. Hope you're fucking happy.

This last weekend my boys took it upon themselves to go out and earn some money raking leaves. Between the two of them they earned about $70.00 in an afternoon. I was really proud of them. I figured if they were old enough to work for their own money they were old enough for a speech. That was a mistake.

Trash: "Boys sit down I want to talk to you."
Trash Jr & T3 (in unison): "Come on Dad. Do we have to?"
Trash: "Sit down and listen. Kick it up."
Trash Jr: "Huh?"
Trash: "You work my neighborhood. You kick it up."
T3: "Whats that mean?"
Trash: "It means you work my neighborhood, you pay me for the privilege. Tell all your friends too."
T3: "Keep your hands off my money."
Trash Jr: "I'm telling Mom."
Trash: "Tell her and I double my cut."
Trash Jr: "DAD I'm trying to save money for Christmas."
Trash: "Oh I see you're hiding your money behind Jesus. Ok. Then you just have to listen to a speech."
T3: "Can I just pay you?"
Trash: "Nope, it's speech time."
Trash Jr: "We should of just paid him."
T3: "Don't move maybe he'll just go away."
Trash: "Boys today you earned your own money and I'm happy about that. Now here's the secret to money. Save it. Don't spend it just because you have it. Hold on to it tight. Someday you'll need it. Get as much of it as you can. When you make some don't stop working just because you have a little money in your pockets. Go make more. Don't over charge people just because your cute and you can. Treat your customers right so they'll call you back and you can make more money off them. Give them a fair job for a fair price. Never be satisfied, always strive to do a better job and always bust your ass to make more money, because I don't care what people say "money does make the world go round and it can by you love ($200.00 an hour) and it will get you happiness", so if you want the world to continue to go around and you want to hang on to the love and happiness you better have more money. What I'm trying to say is work hard, treat your customers right, strive for greatness, and be frugal. Be thankful for what you have but always try to get more. Work for more. Do y'all understand me?
Trash Jr: "Uhhhhh."
T3: "Yeah?"
Trash: "Good. Do you have more yards lined up for tomorrow?"
Trash Jr: "I ain't working tomorrow. I made enough for one week."
T3: "Right. Can you take me to the store so I can rent a game?"

My head still hurts from beating it on the table.

Tuesday Tuesday

By the amount of questions you people asked I'm assuming that a lot of y'all think you know me. If you've come to the conclusion that I'm an ordinary run-of-the-mill asshole, then you're wrong. There's nothing ordinary about me. On to the questions. Questions are bold and answers are italic. New post Thursday.

Jethro asked the best. How many times have you been incarcerated? I don't know. Honestly. If you count the times I was bailed out before I made it to the jail house and how many times the charges were dropped, and how many times they decided not to charge me and all the actual arrest, I'm sure it hits the way high double digits. You have to remember I have been very lucky in my life of crime. And, what was the longest stretch of time? I believe it was 4 days waiting for bail. Once again very lucky.

Michael asked. My question is, what are you gonna get me for Crimes? As in, when you rob that bank, what's my % of the take? I'm answering a question with a question. Are you driving the getaway car?

El Sid was wondering. How do you feel about socks? Hate them. They suffocate my feet. If it was up to me we would all be nekkid.

Ford W. Maverick had a random thought. I met a G Love in Morgantown. He was in some sort of band. Wonder if it's the same guy. Nope.

Beth wants to know more about me. (I think she's hot for me.) You remember that movie, Brewster's Millions? Yes. If you were Brewster, how would you have spent all that money? Hookers and Cocaine. Just like any red blooded American male. Or would you have copped out and taken the money they offered in the beginning? Probably. I plan on dying surrounded by hookers and cocaine anyway. You have nine years to do everything you've always wanted to do. What's the first thing on that list? You. Why did you leave Jersey? I didn't know your address, or I was on the run from the law, not sure.

Zelda has met me, she knows I'm full of shit anyway. Have you ever had a drink called a Spanish Fly? No. And Fuck You. You still have more readers than I do and I've been writing longer and better. (How was that for sheer balls?) Incredible. You are a more better writer than me.

Kim is getting me a Crimas present. What do you want for Crimas? A big tattoo.

Boo asked about Crimas. I do wonder though if I'm wasting my time wishing for Bionic Woman DVD's for Xmas?? The magic eight ball says "Don't hold your breath." And in answer to your earlier question....Of course I feel that strongly about you. Couldn't you tell? Yes, I felt it in my groin.

Seth insulted me, then wanted to know. When was the first time you went to jail? I think when I was 12 or 13. When was the first time you were arrested? About 15 minutes before the first time I went to jail. Ever been kicked out or banned from any other casinos, or any other establishments? Quite a few bars and pool halls.

Inanna has issues. It sounds like the apocalypse outside, sirens all over, what the hell is going on? You're imagining it. It's all in your pretty little head.

Jeanette is spying again. Real tree or fake tree this year? Same fake tree as last year. What you really wanted to know was boxers or briefs?

Brighton converted. How about I just wish you a Merry Christmas? OK. Will you be naked when you do this?

Jack has two questions (one came via email). When's the next revival? When you get here. Can I rub your naked body with chocolate pudding? Jack you're one sick twisted fucker.

Kristin wants me to make her dream come true. Oh and how's your schedule looking this week, I'm free. I dig free chicks. Call me.

Collin asked me. Are you annoyed that I still haven't drawn the zombie pimp and hos? I'm a very patient man.

Nightmare has made the revenge list (next post will explain). See what I get for not checking up on you yesterday? Yes, I do. I'm sneaking this under the radar. Here is my Query, Why the hell is it that I read Rob's blog and sometimes send him emails and I get no linky goodness, or a blessed shout out? He don't like you. Is it because I tend to be more like hemmingway, and less like cussler? I'm sure it is. Or is it a deep disdain for the midwest? Nah, Rob likes everybody especially guidos. I'm kidding I could give a rats ass less as to why I am not on his short list. I do want to know however why you chose a life of crime instead of a college career and a cube job. I don't think you're stupid. You might be but I doubt it. So why the darker shades of gray, instead of walking the short and narrow path of righteousness? Who's to say I'm not on the path of righteousness. Maybe all the cube guys are on the path to hell. Actually the rush of it all. I'm not stupid by any means, but I have played dumb so less would be expected of me. Plus I never was a corporate zombie type, not to mention when I grew up only rich kids went to college.

Cootera wants me. Where's the love, dammit? Hanging between my legs?????

Just me (not me) had a few questions. Do you like to tie up or be tied? Tie up. Ain't no woman ever tying me down. When are you going to open your restaurant? What restaurant? What was the hardest thing in your life that you've had to do? Bury a friend. He wouldn't stop trying to climb out of the grave.

tCj HAS to touch me. I'm not too late, am I? Never! CAN I EVER MEET YOU? YES! No need to bring clothes. I've met people who've met you...but that's like getting second best.......I wanna meet YOU! I wanna do you too!!!

Memories Light The Corners Of My Mind

I was at the store the other night and saw a container of Tang sitting on the shelf. I told Jen I was going to buy it. She asked me if I was supposed to drink it due to my diabetes. I figured what the hell, astronauts drink it. It must be healthy. I haven't had Tang since I was a little kid, and then I only got it when we visited my rich cousins. It was as good as I remembered. There's nothing quite like a cold glass of chemical dust mixed up in bad water. MMMMMM yummy.

Anyway that glass of orange goodness got me to thinking about other pleasant childhood memories. Who remembers the Christmas time Coca-Cola song? You know, the one that goes "I'd like to teach the world to sing..." Have you seen what the hipsters have done to one of the few good memories I have of yesteryear? What the fuck is this shit? A bunch of wanna-be hippies dressed up in retro t-shirts with out-dated hair cuts sitting on a Philadelphia roof top singing "I'd like to teach the world to chill..." all being lead by G. Love, some white guy trying to rap and sound black. It's as bad as Madonna singing "American Pie" maybe even worse. It's like all the remade movies. The Dukes of Hazzard was ruined. Is there no originality left? Can't they come up with something new? Why do they have to ruin all the good stuff? Redo some of the bad shit, maybe you'll make it better.

Speaking of making things better. I got to thinking this morning, I'm 41. It's time to make my life better. Not that it's bad, but it could be better. Statistically speaking my life is half over. That gives me 40 years to do all the things I've wanted to do (like rob a bank). Now once you subtract the last ten years because those will be spent in a nursing home, wheel chair bound, trading lies with the other old timers, shitting myself cause I think it's funny that the nurse has to wipe my ass ("pull my finger" has a whole new affect at that age). I'm left with 30 years for fun. I should probably subtract at least 7 years for incarceration. Now I'm down to 23 years. Take away the 9 years my baby boy (T3) has left in school and I've got 14 years. Need to take off about 5 years for surgery and sickness (I'll lose a leg sooner or later due to diabetes, but that's OK, I'll just get a peg) and I've got 9 years left. So 9 years to do everything I want to do.

Now I just need to figure out what exactly it is I want to do. I have a short list, but I'm greedy so I want a bigger list. I'll work on that and let y'all know.

My readership is dropping again. I have nobody to blame but y'all. I guess I'll have to speed up on the posting again. I know I keep saying that but I'm the busiest broke guy I know. All work and no pay makes Trash a dull writer. Money makes me happy. When I'm happy I write. When I write I'm happy. If I could just get paid for writing everything would be fine.

Most of my hits come from Rob's site. I'm hoping it's Harper Collins checking in on me. They better hurry up with an offer before someone else does. Anybody out there wanna publish the memoirs of a fucking freak? Maybe I should post a few more wild stories. Trouble is I want to get paid for my stories. Would y'all buy the book?

It's Christmas time again (not the holiday season). Christmas. Ninety six percent of the people in America celebrate Christmas, so stop with the PC shit and wish someone a Merry Christmas. Although I will admit sometimes I say Crimas, just cause. So in the spirit of giving I'm going to give y'all the chance to ask me anything you want and as much as you want. I will answer the questions truthfully or to the best of my ability or with humor or I just may out and out lie to you. I will at least answer your questions. I will answer on Tuesday. I promise. So let the asking begin and have a Merry Crimas.

I Thought PETA Was Bread

I finally finished taking the bottle of pills I found. It seems that since I don't have them anymore that the paranoia has decreased. But that doesn't mean that THEY aren't out to get me.

This is one of those post where I'm going to skip around a few subjects. If you don't like those kind of post, to fuckin bad.

First subject. One of my favorites. How great is it the French are getting burned out of their own country by the same assholes they tried to protect from us. I can't think of anybody that deserves it more.

Subject B. The Texas - Mexico border. Close it. Anybody tries to cross it and we shoot them. Enough said.

Third Subject. PETA. I've owned boots made out of cow hide, bull hide, rhino, baby kangaroo, elephant, snake, and shark. I even owned a shark skin suit once but I think they ripped me off because it didn't feel like shark. I own leather jackets, belts, boots, whips, tie down straps (you freaks know what I'm talking about) and other assorted goodies made from dead animals.

I eat meat, fish and yard bird. I've hunted squirrel, snakes, rabbits, deer, javelina (wild pig) and lots of other furry little creatures. I've always tried to eat what I killed, but let me tell you there's no way to cook a opossum so that it's edible.

Some day I plan on killing a Kodiak Grizzly with a toothpick, some rubber tubing and a Frisbee. Don't ask me how, because I'm using the same technique against THEM.

PETA has seen fit to publish this shit. Be sure to read both pages, paying close attention to the last paragraph on page two. If you don't feel like reading it, fine. It says, and I quote "Until your Daddy learns that it's not fun to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next." What the fuck is this. Now they're trying to turn our kids against us. Well I've got an idea. How about a PETA season. I love hunting. Let's hunt some PETA's.

Subject IV. Christmas time and Walmart. I'm calling for a nationwide boycott of Walmart. I'll admit there was a time in my life when I thought Wally World was the greatest thing. But now after the stunt they pulled this year. They'll never get another penny from me. In fact when I'm elected president, my first official act will be to order a complete study of Walmarts accounting and business practices. Anyway this year Walmart advertised a big sale from 5am until 11am on Black Friday. One of the items was a HP laptop (in limited supply). A friend of mine is in dire need of a new laptop (his exploded) and this one would suffice, plus it was only $378.00.

I put in a few calls to a distant sort of in-law (he works for Satan, also known as Walmart), to find out just what limited supply meant and how the sale would work. After threatening him with bodily harm and possibly death, he finally gave up the info. Each store would have 10 to 20 of the laptops and they would be sold on a first come first served basis.

So my friend gets up early and gets to Walmart at 4:30am. Turns out they are handing out numbers for the laptops and he's to late. On his way out the door a woman asked him if he had a number and gave him hers. Now he's number 17. WooHoo he's getting a new computer. Walmart had everybody with numbers on one side to the displays when they rolled out the laptops. This is where everything went awry. They announced the numbers were no longer valid, now it's first come first served. The laptops were on the other side of the aisle from the people with numbers and there was a rush. Nobody with a number got a laptop. Which seems kind of wrong because most of the people with numbers got there first. There was a story on the news where some guy in Florida was tackled for cutting line. I did a little research and this kind of thing went on all over the country.

More proof that Walmart is the devil. They took the Holiest of Christian holidays and made a purely commercialized hell out of it. I refuse to give the devil my money. He's already gotten enough out of me. He got my dad. He walks hand in hand with my brother. So he got two family members, he ain't getting my money.

Hiding Under A Rock

I'll bet you've all been wondering where I went. I'm in hiding from corporate America. I thought I would come out long enough to tell my faithful readers (and the rest of y'all too) Happy Thanksgiving.

Have you noticed the gas prices going down? Just like I said it would happen. I know the lower the prices go, the closer I am to death. Shouldn't be much longer now. They'll come sneaking in the middle of the night and inject me with an untraceable drug (formulated especially for me since they got my DNA from the national DNA database) and I'll have a "heart attack". So long Trashman. What they don't realize is I have an army of readers to carry on with the fight for truth, justice and the American way.

I've been listening to Conspiracy Radio a lot lately. Those people are fucked up. But I have noticed that the signal is nice and clear until I pull into my driveway then it goes dead and comes back on with a lot of static. The first time it happened I didn't pay much attention, I just figured it was weather or cloud related. It's been happening everyday for two weeks now. I must be higher on the Kook List than I figured.

I've found a new way to fund my stay off grid. I'm selling link space. If you'll look over to the right you will see a new cell block in the prison. It's for perverts and pornographers. Our newest inmate is truly sick. His link is booger green. Go visit. Join up. Pay him so he can pay me. Or don't. One way I live longer the other way I die quicker. Your choice. At least read the "How we came to be page". He's a fellow Texan so he can't be all bad.

Back to business. Have you ever seen "Enemy Of The State" starring Will Smith and Gene Hackman. If you haven't seen it, go rent it and you'll know what THEY are capable of. The way I see it, right now the government has me their Kook List, the oil companies want to shut me up, plus in the past I have sounded off about the medical profession, insurance companies, and the pharmaceutical giants. I have run my mouth about all the biggest money makers in our country. If I live long enough to be elected I'll fix it all, or take pay offs.

I'm going to my mom's for Thanksgiving. I figure the men in black have to take Thanksgiving off, after all it is a federal holiday. So I should be able to relax a little, watch some football, eat some turkey, take a nap (hopefully wake up) and then do it all over again.

I would like to apologize for the brevity (I bet y'all didn't think I had a vocabulary) of this post. Once again Happy Thanksgiving and until next time the Trashman is going off grid.

Dead Man Walking

Has anyone noticed the gas prices going down? I think it's due to my threat of exposing the gas companies of their daily fucking of the American people. I know I've already been identified by a government agency as a kook. That's right I'm on the Kook List. I made the list as soon as they finished investigating me, after I announced my presidential candidacy. And I'm cool with that, what I'm not cool with is the big gas companies screwing the average citizen.

Here's what's going to happen. They'll lower the prices for a little while, then they'll kill me (probably make it look like an accident or a heart attack) as soon as I'm forgotten about, they'll raise the prices back up. All I'm asking in return for waking you people up to what's going on is that you don't let me be forgotten. RISE UP (in a peaceful way) and let the government and the big oil companies know that The Trashman will not be forgotten. End the tyranny now, take back your country, the land our forefathers fought and died for. Don't let big business ruin us. STAND UP and be heard. Don't let me be murdered for nothing.

I think I just went up a couple of notches on the Kook List.

This is all documented. You just have to search in the right places. You won't hear about it in the media (they're bought and paid for).

A while back the OPEC nations announced they could produce another 2,000,000 barrels of oil per day. They just needed a buyer. No one wanted it so they've been stock piling it. So much more the oil shortage. If there's no shortage why the high prices? Well the oil companies claim there are not enough refineries. That's because they bought all the refineries and closed a bunch of them. Now we need the refineries to refine the oi,l but due to EPA regulations the old refineries aren't up to code and it's damn near impossible to build new refineries to the EPA regulations. It can be done but it would take about 10 years and millions of dollars, plus as long as the oil companies can't refine fast enough they can cause an artificial shortage of sorts.

Now the really juicy shit. There are two different types of crude oil. Sweet crude and sour crude. They use two different techniques to refine them. It's more expensive to refine sour crude than sweet crude. The shit selling for $60.00 a barrel is sweet crude. Sour crude prices have remained virtually unchanged. So although it cost more to process sour crude, it's cheaper to buy. There are a few big oil companies that still use sour crude. Their price per gallon of gas goes up just like everyone else's. They refine a lower grade of crude that they buy cheaply, and use the price per barrel of sweet crude as an excuse for rising gas prices. These companies have had record breaking profits for the last four quarters. Profits into the billions of dollars, and as much as I like G.Dubya, I'm sure he's getting his cut.

Here's a list of the offenders.
1. Exxon Mobil Corp.
2. Valero (Diamond Shamrock)
3. Conoco Phillips Corp.
4. Chevron

Just about every major gas company in the free world (HA) uses sour crude.

When they kill me be sure to put up white crosses and flowers at the pump.

Trash Talk, Rancid Meat, And Dead Chicks

Did you miss me? Bullshit. Don't lie to me. I can tell by the traffic thingy, that y'all haven't been around as much. Neither have I. Somethings gotta give. I'm a Rockstar. I need your attention and admiration. I guess I'm gonna have to do something to get it. I'll try to post more often, but you gotta visit more often. I still check on y'all, most of y'all get checked daily, I need to know what my flock is up to.

Speaking of flocks, I'm afraid to eat chicken anymore. Seems to me we're at war with most Asian countries (no offense Jethro) and they're bombing us with rancid yard bird. Now I realize that's not completely true but if they don't do something soon, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. So I ain't eatin no more chicken.

Since I no longer eat chicken (or pigeon), tonight I had a t-bone. Jen marinated it for two days and cooked it four days ago. I ate it 15 minutes ago. She said it was rancid. I think the A-1 sauce will kill any germs. I figure we'll know tomorrow. If I die it was rancid, if I don't, I'll continue to torment y'all.

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I'm going to be the best man (like that's unusual) at a friends wedding in two weeks. I don't like who he's marrying, this should be fun. What upsets me most, is the tuxedo shop charged me a $12.50 fat fucker fee. I'm renting the thing, not buying it. Why do I have to pay for more material? They're getting it back (with a few stains). Maybe I'll try for Vegas 2. Can I get barred from the Baptist church for life?

Still waiting for the dead chick?

Well keep waiting. In the near future I'm going to be promoting a few new web sites for a friend. I expect y'all to visit. I'll know if you do, so don't try tellin me no lies.

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Back to me. As y'all know, I'm running for president. I think I have a shot. More than anything I just wanna be famous. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I'm not asking for money just fame. I'll get the money on my own. So if anybody out there has gotten a book deal recently with a company, like say, I don't know, Harper Collins or someone like that. Feel free to point them in my direction.

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I wanna talk about gay marriage. I'm all for the homos hooking up. Personally I think they're born that way. I don't think they choose to be that way. Think about it. What guy in his right mind wants to suck a dick or have it crammed up his ass? Therefore it must be something in them (HA HA I said in them). Seriously, I'm not saying they're wrong or fucked up or anything like that. I just don't think it's normal (if there is such a thing). I think they should be allowed to marry each other just for the pure entertainment value. Think about it. Gay Divorce Court. Which I now claim all rights to. So all you Hollywood big wigs that read this, when they finally legalize rump ranger unions, I own all rights to the reality divorce show. I can picture it now, a couple of flamers fighting over antique furniture, oriental rugs, and a cat. Or how about two lesbians splitting up because one of them met somebody with a bigger dick. The possibilities are endless. It's all mine and it's in writing.

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Still waiting for the dead chick? Ok. Get yourself a drink, load a bowl or whatever it is you do and be prepared to be shocked, amazed, dumbfounded, and entertained. I realize I'm late for Halloween, let's just say I'm early for next year.

Here it is. Trashmans Second Semi Annual Halloween Story.

It was a cold, rainy, miserable night....wait that's wrong, it was Phoenix. It was another warm night with no rain and I was working at the sex club. There was a couple that came in semi-regularly by the names of Dan and Debbi (once again, not their real names). Dan worked for some private company that picked up dead bodys to be transported for organ harvesting. I was always busting his balls about coming by with a dead body so I could see it. He always promised "next time".

On this particular night I was in the DJ booth with the mop girl Stephie. I was working my magic with the music when the door flew open and Dan ran up into the booth.

Dan: "I got that body you wanted to see."
Trashman: "Bullshit."
Stephie: "What body?"
Dan: "A dead chick in the van."
Trashman: "Bullshit."
Dan: "I'm telling you I have a body in the van."
Stephie: "I wanna see. I never saw a dead person."
Trashman: "Stephie, there's not a body."
Dan: "There's a fucking dead chick in the van. She's dead, naked, and she used to be hot before she OD'ed."
Trashman: "Naked and hot? How long has she been dead?"
Dan: "About three hours. Do you want to see or not? I have to get her to the lab so they can get her corneas."
Trashman: "Let's go."

I put a long mix on and ran through the lobby. On the way out the door I told J and George where I was going. Walking through the parking lot I could barely contain myself. I was going to see a hot naked dead chick. We walked up to the back of the van.

Dan: "You ready?"
Trashman: "Just open the door."
Stephie: "Is this legal."
Trashman: "Who cares? Just open the door."

Dan opened the door and pulled the gurney half way out so that it was resting on the ground and the back of the van. He slowly pulled the zipper down and right as he opened the bag, a zombie, a bone fide member of the walking dead came diving through the opening, screaming like a banshee.

At this point a lot is happening and a lot of thoughts are running through my mind in a very short amount of time. Stephie is screaming and possibly crying and somehow she is running at 300 mph and not moving an inch. I'm thinking "Do I throw Stephie at the zombie or do I throw Dan at the zombie or do I just try to out run both of them?" "Running is out of the question I'm frozen in fear" "Do I try to fight the lifeless creature in a heroic attempt to save Stephie and Dan?" "That's not gonna happen, I'm petrified." "Just don't get bitten, I wont turn into a zombie if I don't get bitten." "Don't show any fear. Maybe zombies are like dogs. Maybe they smell fear." All of that happened in the blink of an eye. I looked at the zombie and realized it was Dan's wife, Debbi.

I calmly took a long drag off my cigarette looked at Dan, and blew the smoke out.
Trashman: "Can I play with her titties?"
Dan: "Fuck you."
Stephie: "I don't wanna die."
Trashman: "I gotta go back to work."

I turned and walked off. I was just hoping to get back in the club before the shit ran all the way down my legs.

UPDATE: Angi once I pulled all the skin back it tasted really good. Surprisingly there wasn't a fishy odor or taste.