Note: THIS IS VERY GRAPHIC
Due to popular demand I'm going to post once again on one of my personal favorite subjects. ButtSex.
Up until May of this year I had spent the last four years working at a swingers club. Now for you people that don't what that is, it doesn't have anything to do with dancing. In the 70's the clubs were known as wife swapping clubs. Basically it's a place where couples and sometimes singles can go and trade partners or engage in group sex. Some clubs are off premise which means you go and meet there but go elsewhere to do the deed. In this case it was an on premise club which means you meet there and do the deed anywhere you want to, up to and including on the bar, on the dance floor, at your table, in the jacuzzi, people fucked and sucked any and everywhere.
The club was set up with eight private rooms, a jacuzzi, a T.V. room (porno on the big screen), a couples room, a dance floor, a stage for pole dancing, three bars, and seating for about 200. The couples room was off to the side and it had two french doors for privacy. Inside were a couple of couches, a few chairs, and a padded table with a spinning top. The table was used for a variety of things but mostly eating if you get my drift (eat a little and spin the top so the next guy could chew awhile). The couples room was mostly used so couples could go in with other couples to get away from the crowds and loud music. A place where they could talk and set their ground rules such as no oral sex, no kissing, whatever they wanted or didn't want so that later there would be no hard feelings or domestic disputes (which we had a few of).
On to the story.
This one particular night a couple by the names of Joe and Nancy (not their real names, duh) were in the club. Joe and Nancy were regulars and could be found there most weekends. I was DJing as usual, since I was the DJ and security. From the DJ booth I could see the whole club (can't figure out why I never went blind) and maintain some sort of control. Anyway Joe and Nancy kept making trips to the couples room with various other couples and some single guys, in and out (pun intended) for about four hours. Nothing new there, just something I noticed because I watched the crowd ever vigilant for some out of control pervert.
Towards the end of the evening I put a mix on and went into the lobby to chat with my friend J. (doorman) and the boss (George). I was sitting in one of the lobby chairs when Joe and Nancy left. I was leaning forward with my elbows on my knees when they walked by me and said goodnight to the three of us. As Nancy passed me going out of the door, I got a whiff (my nose was ass level). I sat upright like a shot, started turning purple, and flopped out of my chair, probably a lot like Kramer from the Seinfeld Show. I climbed back into the chair gasping for breath while at the same time trying to blow the nastiness out of my nose. J. and George were looking at me like I grew a second head.
Trashman: (gasping) "OHMYGOD"
George: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Trashman: (hacking) "You didn't smell that?"
J: "Smell what?"
Trashman: (coughing) "ASS"
J: "What do you mean ass?"
Trashman: (wheezing) "Nancy smelled like ass."
George: "You mean she shit herself?"
Trashman: (near tears) "No, she smelled like ASS."
J: "You mean she smelled like shit?"
Trashman: (coughing again) "NO. you dumb asses she smelled like ass."
George: "What exactly does ass smell like?"
J: "Yeah I don't get it."
Trashman: (finally breathing) "She smelled like she's been having buttsex all night."
George: "Buttsex has a smell?"
Trashman: "You old fucking pervert. How long have you been a swinger?"
George: "Since the 60's."
Trashman: "And you've never smelled buttsex?"
George: " Can't say that I have."
J: "So let me get this straight shit and ass are two different smells?"
Trashman: "You two are hopeless."
I returned inside the club to finish up my duties as a DJ and security For the next hour or so I played a few requests for my fan club and got ready to turn up the ugly lights and send everybody home. At 3:00 am the lights went up and I chased everybody out. It was now time to take out the garbage and clean the club. Once the parking lot was emptied J. closed the gate and came in to help. He decided to clean the couples room first.
J: (gasping) " WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?"
I walked into the couples room and took a big sniff.
Trashman: (holding back tears) "That my friend is ASS."