Monday, October 30, 2006

Annie's Road

Halloween. There's a word you don't read very often, especially around here. The bible thumpers control everything so we have fall festivals. I don't like fall festivals. I like Halloween.

Are you ready for another spooky story from Uncle Trashman? OK, grab your favorite safety blanket and get ready.

I have been involved in two murder investigations. I've driven 150+ miles per hour. I've been with the same woman for 13 years. I have two children. I have fought the devil (literally). I have walked the basements and corridors of empty nut houses (alone). I've swam the waters of Camp Crystal Lake at night (if you saw the piece of ass waiting for me on the float, you would understand). I've seen the dead walk. I've almost shot myself. I've fought a bear. I've risked life and limb on more than one occasion . I even got a little sumpin sumpin on top of a grave once. But I believe the most scared I've ever been is on Annie's Road.

Late one night I left the house to fetch some diapers or some such shit from the nearest grocery store. The quickest way there was down what's known as Annie's road. It's a dark road that runs between a river and a graveyard most of the way until you make a hard right then you have the river on your left and a hill that goes straight up on your right. This particular night there was a lot of fog on the river, the mist crossed the road into the graveyard. Now I've never bought into spook stories and I had been up and down this road a million times, so I was scootin right along cutting through the fog at a reasonable speed (I was flying). I came around the sharp right and smack dab in the middle of the road was a chick in a white dress. She had her back to me and was standing there not moving. The dress was blowing around but the fog was still which meant, no wind. It was weird. I had heard the stories of Annie before, I had even lived straight across the river from that exact spot, but Like I said I didn't buy into all that ghost shit. But flying down the road, headed right at this crazy bitch standing on the center stripe, all the stories suddenly came back to me. It was Annie and I was fucking positive of that.

I never took my foot of the gas, in fact I believe I stuck my foot in the carburetor. I passed her and never looked back. I never even checked my mirrors cause I knew if I did I would see this.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
I didn't think My feeble little mind could take that sort of image. Plus I was pretty sure she was sitting in my backseat anyway. I got to the store and bought whatever it was I was supposed to buy, and headed home, the LONG way. When I got home Jen looked at me and said "What's wrong with you? You look like you've seen a ghost." I answered "I'm pretty sure I just did." Sorry no funny punch line. No fancy ending. Just a story. A story that made me rethink a lot of my beliefs. Don't forget to click the links.

Next time I'll write about what's wrong with women.

Monday, October 16, 2006


First they took away "Without A Trace" then next on the list was "Dexter". Now they have taken away "Monday Night Football". I know you're sitting there thinking that I've lost my mind, that those shows are still on TV. Well it's not my mind that I've lost, it's my patience with the "white guilt ridden, liberal, panty waisted, pussified, cocksuckers" that run Hollywood and the media.

The powers that be have deemed it necessary to ruin three of my favorite shows. For some reason they are trying to force us to learn spanish. A few months ago "Without A Trace" had a scene where the Puerto Rican guy walked past the Puerto Rican girl and they had an entire conversation in spanish. No subtitles, no explanation, no nothing. So it went on my list of never watch again. Then "Dexter" went and did the same thing. Tonight on "Monday Night Football" they ran a commercial in spanish, at least they had subtitles. They still went on my list of never watch again.

Last time I checked football was an American sport. In America we speak American, so it's only natural that the commercials are in American. Plus I think in America we pretty much have a lock on the serial killers , so "Dexter" should be in American also. Every word of it. Last but not least "Without A Trace" is about the FB-fucking-I, which I KNOW is an American institution. So why would it be in spanish?

The bean eaters have their own channels. If they want to watch these shows they can either learn American or if they can write, they can send a letter to their local spanish stations requesting the programs in spanish. I shouldn't be forced to hear that shit in my own house, it's bad enough I can't go through a drive-thru with out needing a translator.

Speaking of translators, if you need one get the fuck out of America. You want to work here, you want to live here, then you need to learn the fucking language. If you've been here for six months and you still can't speak American, it's time to get the fuck out.

The mexicans are pissed because they don't want a fence (which isn't going to be built but that's a different story for a different day), they say we should figure out how to live together. How's this for a fucking idea. Get car insurance. Don't steal license plates. Use a real social security number. Don't party all night in your fucking front yard. Don't throw your beer cans in your neighbors fucking front yard. Turn your fucking oompah music down, we don't want to hear it. Have some fucking respect. Control your kids. Learn to speak American. Fill out the proper paper work to stay. Stop killing innocent people. Stop bringing dope into this country. Stop cramming 51 mother fuckers into one apartment. How about you start there and then we'll see if we'll let you stay.

Trashman. OUT.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

People Are Strange

Angi tagged me, I guess cause she likes to torture me. Then she went and complained about the number of these things floating around out there in Blogville. Typical chick.

I have to list 5 weird things about me or my pets then I'm supposed to pass the torture on to 5 people but I'm going to kill this one right here. I wouldn't want to upset Angi by sending more of these things out.

One reasons I'm doing this is because I need to post, this will be short, and I don't have the energy to rant or dig up my past.

On to the agony. This will be all about me. There's nothing weird about my pets.

1. My sunny disposition is a facade. I'm really very angry.
2. The voices of Fran Drescher, Rosie Perez and Megan Mullally really turn me on.
3. When I'm in a high place looking over the edge I have to really fight the urge to jump. It's not a suicide thing, it's an "I bet I could fly thing".
4. I like to shop.
5. I'm fascinated with death. In fact I really want to see what's on the other side.

Stay tuned for a new rant coming soon.