Sunday, July 16, 2006

Very Bad Things

Today is the anniversary of this blog. This year will be two years since Jack first introduced me to y'all. It's also my 42nd birthday. So I thought this year I would give y'all a gift. I'm going to step away from the political paranoia and conspiracy post and tell you a little story. A story that had it gone the wrong way I probably would be carving my blog on a prison wall. So get yourself a slice of cake, have some punch and enjoy.

All over northern Jersey there are little motor lodges. They are what you would expect them to be in the larger city's but in the smaller towns they can be quite nice. We used to use the ones in the smaller towns for the incall service. Most of these little motels are owned by people of the Hindu persuasion (is that PC for dot heads?). I had a deal with one of the proprietors of a motor lodge in a little town loaded with corporate headquarters of a lot of BIG companies. I would give Mr. Patel a percentage of what the girls would bring in and every once and awhile he would get a little action for himself (when Mrs. Patel was out of town).

This spot was a gold mine. The executives liked to run out at lunch and get a little, so I kept girls at most of the motels in the area.

I had picked up a new girl in Newark earlier in the day. She wasn't anything special. Really quiet and kind of mousy, plain face, plain brown hair, ordinary body but willing to trade ass for money. On the way to the motel I found out she didn't bring ID, that meant I was going to have to check her in, so we started off bad. I took her to the only place I could put her without having to answer a bunch of questions. We went to see Mr. Patel.

Mr. Patel: "Hello, Mr. Trashman. How are you my friend."
Trashman: "Yo. I got a new girl I need to set up here."
Mr. Patel: "Bring her in so she can check in."
Trashman: "She doesn't have any ID."
Mr. Patel: "OK we check her in as Miss. Smith."
Trashman: "I'll sign for her."
Mr. Patel: "Maybe I'll visit her today."
Trashman: "Don't waste your time. Something weird about her."
Mr Patel: "OK my friend. You know what is best. Room 116. This way I can keep eye on her for you."
Trashman: "Cool."

Now I knew why he wanted to keep an eye on her, it was so I couldn't cheat him on his percentage. I set her up in the room and explained how things worked. As customers called they were given descriptions (not always accurate) of the girls working in the area that they were interested in. From these descriptions they would pick a girl, then they were given the name of the motel. When they arrived at the motel they were to call back from a certain pay phone (for caller ID reasons) if the girl was not busy at the time they were given a room number. As soon as the girl had the money she called in and the timer was set for one hour. After the customer left the girl would call back and the next guy would be sent in. It went around and around like this all day. Sometimes. Sometimes there were problems. Problems like she ran with the money or said the guy didn't show up and ripped us off, or sometimes she quit answering the door. This time she quit answering.

Just as soon as I got word from WBG that the stupid bitch stopped answering the door I rushed over to the motel. She had already done about eight calls and I wasn't about to lose that much money. I looked around for the police before I approached the door (you can't be too careful). The coast seemed clear so I walked up and beat on the door. Nothing. I kicked the shit out of the door. Still nothing. I walked over to the office and was greeted by Mr. Patel.

Mr. Patel: " My friend you are back early."
Trashman: "I thought you were going to keep an eye on her."
Mr. Patel: "Is there a problem?"
Trashman: "She's missed a couple of calls and she's not answering the door. Give me a key."

I walked over, stuck the key in the door and tried to turn it. Nothing, it wouldn't turn, I went back to the office.

Trashman: "Wrong key. It won't turn."
Mr. Patel: "She must have the key in the door on the inside. It stops the outside from being unlocked. I have a special key for that. Come, my friend I will let you in."

We walked back over to the room an Patel used his "special" key. It worked. Now there was a new problem, the fucking chain was on the door.

Mr. Patel: "I'll get a tool and take the chain off. Wait here my friend."

He comes back with a screw driver and snakes his skinny little arm through the door and removes the screws and the chain drops. He turns and looks at me, grinning like an idiot and throws the door open. All I see is a naked blue whore with a needle sticking out of her arm sprawled out on the bed. He must have seen something on my face because he turns and looks in the room.

Trashman: "Shut the fuck up. Go back to the office and forget you ever saw any of this. Don't call anybody. I'll take care of this. Forget it. Just forget it all."
Mr. Patel: "But she is...."
Trashman: "She's not even here. Miss Smith doesn't exist. Get rid of the paperwork. Go. NOW."

Patel ran back to the office never looking back. I looked around to make sure no one heard his screaming, stepped into the room and closed the door. All I could do was stare at the dead naked bitch and think "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" I called WBG with my cell phone. I wasn't about to touch anything in the room. Except I tried to feel for a pulse. The bitch was already cold.

Trashman: "We've got a problem."
WBG: "Did she skip?"
Trashman: "No. She's here."
WBG: "What's the problem?"
Trashman: "She's dead."
WBG: "HAHAHAHAHA yeah right. Quit fucking around."
Trashman: "I ain't kidding man. She's fucking 86. Looks like she OD'd"
WBG: "Oh fuck."

At this point I started going though her bags looking for my money. I was ripping open drawers, closets, lifting the mattress as best as I could with one hand.

WBG: "Find the fucking money."
Trashman: "I'm looking for the fucking money."
WBG: "What are you gonna do with the carcass?"
Trashman: "Get a hold of JJ and tell him where I'm at."
WBG: "What are you doing with the bitch?"
Trashman: "Fuck you man, you don't need to know shit. Call JJ."
WBG: "Fuck you too man. Find the fucking money."
Trashman: "I just did."
WBG: "How much? All of it?"
Trashman: "$2500 that's $900 more than she should have. Bitch was holding out."

Meanwhile a miracle was taking place behind me. The dead was rising.

Dead Whore: "What's going on man?"
Trashman: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
WBG: "What's happening? "
Dead Whore: "What are you doing with my money?"
WBG: "Who the fuck are you talking to?"
Trashman: "I'm talking to this fucking zombie."
WBG: "Huh?"
Trashman: "The bitch came back to life."
WBG: "Get her the fuck out of there."
Trashman: "You want to handle this shit?"
WBG: "Fuck no."
Trashman: "Then stop telling me what to fucking do."
Dead Whore: "I want my money, man."
Trashman: "Pull the fucking needle out of your arm."
WBG: "When you're done come back to the office."
Trashman: "Blow me."
Dead Whore: "I don't blow anybody."
Trashman: "Not you, skank."
WBG: "HAHAHAHA later."

I put the bitch in the car and headed for Newark, at the first stop light she had already nodded off and when I hit the brakes she fell into the floor board. I did what any decent person would of done and left her there. When I pulled up in front of her house I threw the car in park and got out. I walked around, opened her door and grabbed her under the arms. As I was pulling her out she came to again.

Dead Whore: "Where's my money, man?"
Trashman: "You were a dead junkie whore, now you're a broke junkie whore, you give me any shit and you're going to be a dead junkie whore, again."
Dead Whore: "You ain't right, man."
Trashman: "Fuck you."

I hope you enjoyed the cake and punch.

Special thank you to micki for the new gravatar. SHE remembered my birthday.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

You Talkin' To Me ?

The Trashman has always wanted to speak in the third person, but the Trashman thinks this would hurt the Trashman's business. Think about it, if the Trashman were to walk around saying things like "The Trashman thinks you should paint the walls white." or "The Trashman thinks you should use oak cabinets." then the Trashman's customers would look at the Trashman and say "Are you a fucking idiot?" So the Trashman can't do that, but there is an alternative. Since y'all already know the Trashman is a fucking idiot, then the Trashman can type in the third person. Today the Trashman is going to fill you in on a few things and the Trashman is also going to address some of the comments from the Trashman's last post. But first the Trashman is going to stop typing in the third person because the Trashman is even starting to annoy the Trashman.

First, last Thursday I received a call from a low ranking government employee. The call went like this.

LRGE: "Stop with the conspiracy posts or we're going to pull up in front of your house in a black van and make you disappear."
Trashman: "I figured I would be spending some time in Guantanamo Bay."
LRGE: "Gitmo is easy. We've got something a lot worse for home-grown fuckers like you."
Trashman: "OK."
LRGE: "I'll be back in touch."
Trashman: "OK."

I haven't heard from him since. I won't lie to you, when I first received the threat I thought maybe I would stop. Then I figured fuck-em. I AIN'T SKEERED.

, I'm counting on you to have my back.

Now on to the comments.
Jack said: Dude...whatever you're smoking, just stop it. You're sounding more and more like some kinda militia nutjob with every post.

There's no conspiracy. The government isn't pitting the races against each other (rap music does that.) Nobody is listening to your phone calls or checking out your bank accounts. Read past the alarmist headlines, bro.

Seriously...Prozac. Check it out. Much love, even though you're crazy as hell.

Jack, I'm smoking Marlboros. I am a nut job. See the beginning of this post, it proves there are conspiracies. Prozac is for light weights. I get high on my own brain waves.

Shoe said: no doubt, what jack said, you're obviously on crack

Shoe the only crack I'm on is... well that's x-rated.

Zelda said: All governments try to hide their corruption, and I'm not excusing it in the U.S. But to say we're the worst is laughable especially coming from a Presidential candidate in a state that borders a completely out of control country - one whose political policy involves mooching off of us to the best of their ability.

Politically speaking, folks don't like a tear down candidate. You have to find the good and build upon that instead of declaring it all bad and destroying it.

Zelda, I have to tear down. I'm counting on the idiot vote. I know my regular readers don't believe I'm really running for president. So I'm counting on all the nut jobs to write in the Trashman on their ballots. I know I won't win, but if there's enough write in votes it will make the news, then I go global. There is a method to my lunacy.

Brighton said: Thank you for the Happy Birthday wish : )
And as usual, you know you have my vote.
Can the Dixie Chicks play though?

Brighton, you're welcome, thank you and the only thing the dixie chicks can play with is my nut sack (after a really hot day at work).

The rest of y'all (magz, Inanna, ) want to know how I plan to change things. Welfare reform (no more welfare) Tax reform (flat sales tax rate, no more income tax). Immigration reform (close our borders). Education reform (college for those that can't afford it). Plus I plan on getting the best advisors money can buy, these advisors will be hand picked by my readers (see I trust y'all to be intelligent).

Other news: I'm thinking about becoming a life coach. As far as I can tell the only thing you need is life experience and business cards. I think I would be pretty good at telling others how to live their lives and charging an obscene amount of money for it. If anyone is interested I would be willing to practice on you for free. Let me know.

Until the next time. Keep on keeping on.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

We The People

Two hundred and thirty years ago our fore fathers signed the Declaration of Independence. They were fed up with the tyranny and oppression of British rule. I'm pretty sure that they had no idea that they were setting the wheels in motion for the new government to be as tyrannical and oppressive if not more so. When John Hancock and those other guys signed the document they were trying to free the people of this great nation. Now, once again we are being ruled by an out of control governing body.

This is still the greatest nation in the world and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Yet it's time for some corrections to be made. Our government is one of the most corrupt in the world. The fiasco after Katrina proves this. There's not a single office of the government that is not muddied with dirty politics. Every time you turn on the news, there's another politician taking bribes. The government is not there for the people, it's there to control the people. Now before you right wingers get out of control, this has nothing to do with GW. This is ALL government. Republican or Democrat, it doesn't matter, it's all about control.

The powers that be control every move we make. They keep us against each other, rich against poor, black against white, haves against have nots. By doing this we don't pay attention to what they are doing. And what they are doing is ruing this country. GW tried to give away our ports to the enemy. Rep. William J. Jefferson sold his power to the highest bidder. Tom Delay has been indicted on charges ranging from money laundering to soliciting and receiving illegal corporate contributions.

Franklin Roosevelt started the downfall of our country with his "social" programs. More like socialism programs. He made it OK to be a bum. He made it OK to live off the hard working tax payers. He made it OK to expect the government to take care of you. He started it all by making the people dependent instead of independent.

Every president after Roosevelt has only made things worse. Nixon and his "revenue sharing". Kennedy and his entire family (he killed Marilyn Monroe). Reagan and his voodoo economics. Carter was and is just a joke. Clinton is a pervert (I can almost respect that) but not the lying and cheating or the killing of Vince Foster. Every one of them crooked, also I think there used to be some clown named Ford. Let's not forget the Bush's, two of the most corrupt.

GW has OK'ed the listening in on our conversations and watching our bank accounts. Some people say they're not worried because they have done nothing wrong. That's the attitude they want you to have. It makes taking away other rights a lot easier. I refuse to stand for it. The preamble of our Constitution reads as follows.

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence indeed, will dictate, that Governments long established, should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security."

Pay close attention to the part I made bold. What this means is once a government gets out of control with abuse of power (much like ours is) it's time to revamp and create a new government. It means it's time for the people to step up and take back our independence. It's time for us to stop the abuse of power. It's time for us to declare our independence from tyranny and oppression. It's time for us to stop rolling over. It's time for us to stop taking it in the ass. You may think your celebrating Independence Day but you really celebrate Independence Days Past.

Stand with me against this corrupt system. Stand with me for what is right. Stand with me for what our fore fathers fought and died for. Stand with me for America.

Trashman, Mom and Apple Pie. Could you get more American? Vote for me, anything else would be unpatriotic.