Tuesday, April 26, 2005


What Would Trashman Do?

I know a lot of you spend your days thinking about me, wondering what kind of guy I really am. Well I'm going to give you the opportunity to delve into my psyche and solve some of your problems at the same time. This will be a unique chance to see my take on things. A once in a lifetime deal (unless I come up short on subjects, then I'll probably do this again).

So here's what we're going to do. If you have a question for me, leave it in the comments section, unless it's a really long scenario then email it to me at trashman64@gmail.com.

These questions can be about any problem you have, but I won't answer questions like favorite food, favorite color, none of that crap. I am here to solve YOUR problems.

Let's say your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you or your boss is giving you a hard time. Just ask me what to do. Your car won't start? I've got the answer. Neighbors too noisy? I can tell you how to fix it. Fellas, are you too shy to talk to the hot girl down the street? I'll hook you up. Ladies, do you notice an unusual smell emanating from your nether regions? I am the man that nose (knows) what to do. Are you being stalked? I have first hand experience with this one. Want to get revenge on someone? God left me in charge of that department until He gets back. Feel free to ask me about any problem you have or make one up, it doesn't matter to me.

All questions and answers will be published in the next post. If you want your question to remain anonymous email me at trashman64@gmail.com and let me know.

Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question, except for the one you just asked.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Burger Or Filet Mignon

It's been a long time and many of you may not remember it, but I gave you the opportunity to vote on my next post; way back when. Then bad news struck, followed by sort of good news. There have been some other developments as far as my own health since then. I will touch on that later, hell I may even touch on myself. Anyhow (you notice I didn't use the word anywho), you good people voted for a story called Burger Or Filet Mignon, so here it is.

A long time ago (about 6 years) in a galaxy far far away (New Jersey) a Jedi Pimp (me) drove a princess (whore) on her appointed rounds one night. That sentence should cause lots of chaos with the search engines.

I was driving Mercedes (the girl, not the car), you remember her from this story. Mercedes was an unusual sort of girl, she had a masters degree in education (she was a school teacher) and she only "worked" for shopping money. In other words when she wanted to buy some new clothes she worked for me. She was absolutely beautiful; tan skin, green eyes and brown hair, a very petite tight body. She was half Indian (India) and half Puerto Rican, and it made one hell of a combination. Unfortunately like so many of the other girls, she had "issues". The first call of every night she would have to be convinced to go in, this consisted of at least 15 minutes of a pep talk and assuring her she was beautiful. She needed to feel wanted and sexy, once inside she made more money than any girl I ever drove.

On this particular night, I drove her to a very large building in Jersey City. The building was down by the Hudson River and it reeked of money. I started with the usual routine of telling her how great she looked (it was pretty much a rehearsed speech), but she just wasn't feeling it. She asked me to walk her to the door of the apartment. She wanted me to make sure the customer was happy with her. I knew I wasn't getting her inside any other way, so I obliged. In the elevator on the way up I stated to read the call sheet.

Trashman: "Uh-oh"
Mercedes (panicked): "What. What's wrong."
Trashman: "This is a two guy call."
Mercedes: "I've done those before. Lots of money, for both of us."
Trashman: "Yeah, well these guys are Mr. Suzuki and Mr. Yamaha. They ordered a white girl."
Mercedes (starting to cry): "I knew it. I knew I just wasn't good enough. I'm not pretty."
Trashman: "Stop with the theatrics. We're not at the door yet. I'll convince them to keep you."
Mercedes (sniffling): "OK"

When we got to the door, I gave Mercedes a couple of seconds to compose herself, then I knocked. The door was opened by a very short, fat, bespeckeled Japanese man. He fit every stereotypical comedy character you have ever seen. Then he spoke. All I can say is when you read his lines, you need to use your worst "making-fun-of-the-way-a-Japanese-tourist-talks" voice. Not that I would know how to do that myself, I don't have any preconceived ideals about other races (as evidenced here).

Mr. Suzuki: "Can I'uh help ah you?"
Trashman: "Here's the girl you asked for."
Mr. S: "That not ah the girl. Order ah white ah girl."
Trashman: "She's white, she just tans a lot."
Mr. S: "Not ah the girl. Want ah white girl. She not ah white."
Trashman: "I'm telling you she's white."
Mr. S: "You not ah understand. We want ah blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin. Want ah HONKEY."
Trashman: "Let me ask you a question. Do you know the difference between burger and filet mignon?"
Mr. S: "Burger cheap. Filet very expensive."
Trashman: "Good. I'm here to deliver the filet, if you want burger you'll have to wait 45 minutes."
Mr. S: "Will wait for ah burger. You ah make sure it honkey burger."

He closed the door and I stepped down to the end of the hall with Mercedes following me (she was in tears, I had my work cut out for me). I called the office and started tearing into the phone girl.

Trashman: "Why did you give me this call, they asked for a white girl?"
PG: "The only white girl we have tonight is The Beast of M-town"

The Beast of M-town was everything her name said she was. This bitch was butt ugly. She looked rather manly, about 5'11' and built like a linebacker. Wide shoulders, square jaw, big hands. Some of us wondered if she used to be named Dan. The only thing she had going for her was she sold her ass and she had blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm sure her pale skin came from the fact she was too ugly to leave the house during daylight hours.

Trashman: "Send her, I'll be waiting."
PG: "What? That's a big money call. They don't want her."
Trashman: "Just send her."

She arrived about 30 minutes later. She drove herself because none of the drivers would ever drive her, it was a money losing proposition. She got turned away more than she stayed. I walked her to the apartment door.

Trashman: "This is a two guy call. Big money and possible repeats, don't fuck it up. Make them happy. They're Japanese, they're used to subservient women, so keep your big mouth shut. Do everything they say, within reason, no questions, don't speak unless they tell you to. Got it?"
The Beast: "I don't take no shit from no man."
Trashman: "If you don't tell me you got it, right now, I will use their balcony to dump your ass into the Hudson. NOW, do you got it?"
The Beast: "I got it."

I knocked on the door and Mr. Suzuki answered. This time I could see Mr. Yamaha in the background. They could have been twins.

Trashman: "Here's your burger."
Mr. S (smiling): "Ah very good. You deliver honkey burger."
Trashman: "She meets your requirements?"
Mr. S: "She is ah honkey. All that matters."
Trashman: "You're sure you don't want the filet?"
Mr. S: "No. Burger fine."
Trashman: "OK. Two guys, two hours. That will be $1200.00"
Mr. S: "I give you $2000.00 You share rest with other girl. She ah no cry no more and you did good ah job with burger."

I said thank you, bowed to the man and walked to the elevator. Mercedes and I got onto the elevator and I handed her $400.00

Mercedes (crying): "I'm not sexy. How could they pick her over me?"
Trashman: "You heard the man. He wanted a honkey."
Mercedes (still crying): "I'm ugly. No man wants me."
Trashman: "You just got $400.00 for nothing. Shut up."
Mercedes (crying yet): "I'm not pretty. I'm ugly."
Trashman: "Even with a masters in education, I think you're an idiot."
Mercedes (sniffling): "But am I a pretty idiot?"
Trashman (sighing): "Gorgeous."

Thursday, April 14, 2005

According To The Experts.....

Mom got her everything scanned yesterday. They ran every test possible on her, except for the PET Scan, whatever that is. The doctor said he doesn't think she has cancer and if she does it is just barely beginning. He told her that he thinks she has (in her words) "pulmonary sumthin or nuther". He is sending her to a breathing specialist, Monday. They want to see if her lungs will survive surgery, if she passes the test, they are going to cut out the "pulmonary sumthin or nuther". After she gave me this info she told me; "Don't start counting your money yet." I happily informed her that "if she gave me my share now, she wouldn't have to worry about me waiting for her to die". It was nice to hear her laugh and if felt good to laugh with her.

So, since I received good news today, I am going to make some of you ladies very happy. I know you miss Jack, and I know a lot of you were big fans of his scuba diving pictures (something about his arms). Well I found another picture of Jack on the beach for you to enjoy. Without further ado..........

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I just want to add a BIG Thank you to all of y'all for the well wishes and prayers. I give all the credit to y'all for my moms good news.

Friday, April 08, 2005

No News Is Good News?

Yesterday my mom had her blood work done. Next Wednesday she is scheduled for a MRI, bone scan, CT scan and brain scan. Information is coming in really slow. The only new thing I know is it seems her cancer may have moved outside of her lungs. We're not real sure yet, but that is what we can figure from the report from her original doctor. In the meantime I'm going to try to get back to some kind of normal life.

So for your enjoyment: (Found this through Mace)
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Yeah your fuckin with the Trashman honey
Get back on the streets and get my money

Once again THANKS to all of you for your support and well wishes, and have a good weekend.

Friday, April 01, 2005

It Ain't Pretty

I got the call at 10:47 am yesterday. Mom has small cell carcinoma. She's leaving for Arlington this morning to go to "one of the country's premier cancer centers". Evidently people come from all over the world to go to this place. I don't know what her odds are yet. I won't really know anything until next Thursday, that's when she has her first appointment.

I did some research on small cell carcinoma. It is caused by smoking and only 20% of lung cancer is small cell. It is also very aggressive. People that have surgery are four times more likely to survive than those that don't (hers is inoperable). There are two stages, limited and extensive. For limited stage small cell cancer, cure rates may be as high as 25%, while cure rates for extensive stage disease are less than 5%. Limited means it is confined to the lung and extensive means it has traveled to other parts of the body. So far we think she has the limited variety. Patients with extensive disease have a median survival duration of less than 1 year. Patients with localized disease (ie, limited stage) have a median survival duration of less than 2 years. The 5-year survival rate for small cell carcinoma is less than 20%.

The only cure is chemotherapy and radiation. The only way to avoid small cell carcinoma is to stop smoking. So best case scenario is she's in the 25% that gets cured. Worst case is 2-5 years of not-so-quality life left.

I want to thank every one for the well wishes and e-mails. It has meant a lot to me. On the exterior every thing is normal. Internally I am a wreck. Your comments and e-mails have helped me make it from day to day. Those of you that I have the phone numbers for, I will be calling eventually.