Thursday, April 21, 2005

Burger Or Filet Mignon

It's been a long time and many of you may not remember it, but I gave you the opportunity to vote on my next post; way back when. Then bad news struck, followed by sort of good news. There have been some other developments as far as my own health since then. I will touch on that later, hell I may even touch on myself. Anyhow (you notice I didn't use the word anywho), you good people voted for a story called Burger Or Filet Mignon, so here it is.

A long time ago (about 6 years) in a galaxy far far away (New Jersey) a Jedi Pimp (me) drove a princess (whore) on her appointed rounds one night. That sentence should cause lots of chaos with the search engines.

I was driving Mercedes (the girl, not the car), you remember her from this story. Mercedes was an unusual sort of girl, she had a masters degree in education (she was a school teacher) and she only "worked" for shopping money. In other words when she wanted to buy some new clothes she worked for me. She was absolutely beautiful; tan skin, green eyes and brown hair, a very petite tight body. She was half Indian (India) and half Puerto Rican, and it made one hell of a combination. Unfortunately like so many of the other girls, she had "issues". The first call of every night she would have to be convinced to go in, this consisted of at least 15 minutes of a pep talk and assuring her she was beautiful. She needed to feel wanted and sexy, once inside she made more money than any girl I ever drove.

On this particular night, I drove her to a very large building in Jersey City. The building was down by the Hudson River and it reeked of money. I started with the usual routine of telling her how great she looked (it was pretty much a rehearsed speech), but she just wasn't feeling it. She asked me to walk her to the door of the apartment. She wanted me to make sure the customer was happy with her. I knew I wasn't getting her inside any other way, so I obliged. In the elevator on the way up I stated to read the call sheet.

Trashman: "Uh-oh"
Mercedes (panicked): "What. What's wrong."
Trashman: "This is a two guy call."
Mercedes: "I've done those before. Lots of money, for both of us."
Trashman: "Yeah, well these guys are Mr. Suzuki and Mr. Yamaha. They ordered a white girl."
Mercedes (starting to cry): "I knew it. I knew I just wasn't good enough. I'm not pretty."
Trashman: "Stop with the theatrics. We're not at the door yet. I'll convince them to keep you."
Mercedes (sniffling): "OK"

When we got to the door, I gave Mercedes a couple of seconds to compose herself, then I knocked. The door was opened by a very short, fat, bespeckeled Japanese man. He fit every stereotypical comedy character you have ever seen. Then he spoke. All I can say is when you read his lines, you need to use your worst "making-fun-of-the-way-a-Japanese-tourist-talks" voice. Not that I would know how to do that myself, I don't have any preconceived ideals about other races (as evidenced here).

Mr. Suzuki: "Can I'uh help ah you?"
Trashman: "Here's the girl you asked for."
Mr. S: "That not ah the girl. Order ah white ah girl."
Trashman: "She's white, she just tans a lot."
Mr. S: "Not ah the girl. Want ah white girl. She not ah white."
Trashman: "I'm telling you she's white."
Mr. S: "You not ah understand. We want ah blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin. Want ah HONKEY."
Trashman: "Let me ask you a question. Do you know the difference between burger and filet mignon?"
Mr. S: "Burger cheap. Filet very expensive."
Trashman: "Good. I'm here to deliver the filet, if you want burger you'll have to wait 45 minutes."
Mr. S: "Will wait for ah burger. You ah make sure it honkey burger."

He closed the door and I stepped down to the end of the hall with Mercedes following me (she was in tears, I had my work cut out for me). I called the office and started tearing into the phone girl.

Trashman: "Why did you give me this call, they asked for a white girl?"
PG: "The only white girl we have tonight is The Beast of M-town"

The Beast of M-town was everything her name said she was. This bitch was butt ugly. She looked rather manly, about 5'11' and built like a linebacker. Wide shoulders, square jaw, big hands. Some of us wondered if she used to be named Dan. The only thing she had going for her was she sold her ass and she had blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm sure her pale skin came from the fact she was too ugly to leave the house during daylight hours.

Trashman: "Send her, I'll be waiting."
PG: "What? That's a big money call. They don't want her."
Trashman: "Just send her."

She arrived about 30 minutes later. She drove herself because none of the drivers would ever drive her, it was a money losing proposition. She got turned away more than she stayed. I walked her to the apartment door.

Trashman: "This is a two guy call. Big money and possible repeats, don't fuck it up. Make them happy. They're Japanese, they're used to subservient women, so keep your big mouth shut. Do everything they say, within reason, no questions, don't speak unless they tell you to. Got it?"
The Beast: "I don't take no shit from no man."
Trashman: "If you don't tell me you got it, right now, I will use their balcony to dump your ass into the Hudson. NOW, do you got it?"
The Beast: "I got it."

I knocked on the door and Mr. Suzuki answered. This time I could see Mr. Yamaha in the background. They could have been twins.

Trashman: "Here's your burger."
Mr. S (smiling): "Ah very good. You deliver honkey burger."
Trashman: "She meets your requirements?"
Mr. S: "She is ah honkey. All that matters."
Trashman: "You're sure you don't want the filet?"
Mr. S: "No. Burger fine."
Trashman: "OK. Two guys, two hours. That will be $1200.00"
Mr. S: "I give you $2000.00 You share rest with other girl. She ah no cry no more and you did good ah job with burger."

I said thank you, bowed to the man and walked to the elevator. Mercedes and I got onto the elevator and I handed her $400.00

Mercedes (crying): "I'm not sexy. How could they pick her over me?"
Trashman: "You heard the man. He wanted a honkey."
Mercedes (still crying): "I'm ugly. No man wants me."
Trashman: "You just got $400.00 for nothing. Shut up."
Mercedes (crying yet): "I'm not pretty. I'm ugly."
Trashman: "Even with a masters in education, I think you're an idiot."
Mercedes (sniffling): "But am I a pretty idiot?"
Trashman (sighing): "Gorgeous."

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