I Have A Black Belt In Bullshit

The way escort agencies work is the fee is split three ways. The agency gets $100.00 and the girl gets $100.00 and the driver gets what is left which could range from $25.00 to $75.00 plus $10.00 from the girl. This is the split for each call during any given night. The fees change for multiple hour calls, but we don't have to worry about that right now. If a girl is turned away, the $25.00 to $75.00 still has to be paid. No if, ands, or buts, the driver always get paid. It's his car and gas.

I was sicker than a dog one weekend. I was so sick I could barely move or lift my hands higher than my shoulders. I had the flu from hell, but I was still driving one of the girls. Her name was Mercedes (yeah right). I could make $1500.00 on a weekend just driving. I'm never to sick to make that kind of money for two days work.

We had gotten a two girl call at one of the hotels nearby. I drove Mercedes and met JB (you remember JB from this story) at the hotel, he was driving a girl named Melissa. We watched the girls go in and we went around the corner to get some Chinese food because we had an hour to kill. No sooner than I received my order, my pager went off. I looked at it and read the number, 911. That could only mean one thing, the girls were in trouble. JB and I ran back around to the hotel. We went up to the third floor and knocked on the door. Mercedes answered the door, she was pissed.

Mercedes: "These guys don't have any money."
Trashman: "Let me deal with this, just keep your mouth shut."

We walked into the room and there stood two fairly large guidos. They had the entire guido package, gold chains, dark slicked back hair, and tight shirts unbuttoned half way down, too many muscles from too many steroids. The works. I figured this was going to get worse before it got better. JB is a fairly small guy and I was sick, but there was no way I could let these girls or the guidos for that matter see any sign of weakness.

Trashman: "What do you mean you don't have any fucking money?"
Guido 1: "When we called you guys said you took credit cards."
Trashman: "Bullshit. I'm the one that answered the phone. I didn't say a damn thing about credit cards."
Guido 1: "Well we have credit cards just no cash."
Trashman: "Then I need $50.00 for driving fees."
Guido 2: "What do you mean driving fees?"
Trashman: "When you called I explained to you, that should you turn away the girls there would be two $25.00 driving fees. That's a fee for each driver, just for showing up. That's $50.00 total."
Guido 1: "I just told you we don't have any cash."
JB (getting loud): "You have to pay."
I turned and looked dead in JB's eyes.
Trashman: "Shut-up JB."
JB: "They have to pa..."
Trashman: "I SAID shut-up. Take the girls and go back down to the car."
JB: "You sure?"
Trashman: "Yeah. I can handle this."

The whole time I'm giving him that look. You know the one that says "Don't go too far. I may get my ass beat and you need to get yours beat too."

I nudged JB and the girls out the door and closed it behind them. When I turned around the guidos were smiling at me.

Trashman: "What the fuck are you smiling at?"
Guido 1: "Your friend just left."
Trashman: "So?"
Guido 2: "The door locks automatically, he can't get back in."
Trashman: "I don't want him to get back in."
Guido 1: "Huh?"
Trashman: "I don't want any witnesses."
Guido 1: "What the fuck are you talking about? There's two of us and one of you and you ain't THAT big."
Trashman: "I see it like this. I don't have to be THAT big because I'm THAT bad. Y'all owe me $50.00 and you're going to pay me or we're going to fight. Now, you MAY kick my ass, I don't really think so but anything could happen. Once we start fighting someone's going to call the cops and we're all going to jail. My bail will be paid before we get there and even if it's not, a night in jail is nothing new to me. You however are going to have to explain to your wife, or girlfriend or your momma that you need to be bailed out of jail because you refused to pay for the hookers you ordered.
Guido 2: "Fucking pay him."

Guido 1 fished the money out of his wallet and handed it over to me. I took the money and turned to walk out the door, just I opened the door Guido1 said "Sorry about the trouble sir." I kept on walking down the hall and never looked back. I entered the elevator and as soon as the doors closed I slumped against the wall. Man was I wore out. I never new how much strength was required to bullshit somebody.

I walked over to my car, JB was parked right next to me. He rolled down his window and I looked in. The mother fucker had chopsticks in his hand. He was FUCKING eating.

Trashman: "What the fuck are you doing?"
JB: "I'm eating."
Trashman: "I can see your eating, asshole. I mean why didn't you come back up?"
JB: "You told me to bring the girls out to the car."
Trashman: "YEAH, well that means come back with a tire tool mother fucker."
JB: "Oh. Well did you get our $50.00?"
Trashman: "No. I got my $50.00. You want some money, go get your own."

Special thanks to Seven for the new header. You are the fucking man. Thanks dude.