Right now I'm B.U.I. Blogging Under the Influence. If this is good I take all the credit. If it's bad, don't blame me, blame the pusher-man (pharmacist).
Many years ago I was arrested in a small lakeside community outside of Austin. I won't tell you why I was arrested, but I will tell you this. It was dark, I made sure nobody saw me and I didn't do it. How I got accused of this crime is a mystery to me. Anyway none of that is important.
A deputy was dispatched to drive me to the jail in Austin since this little community only had two officers and no jail of their own. On the way to the county lock up, I noticed a strange odor in the car.
Trashman: "You smell that?"
Deputy Dog: "Smell what?"
Trashman: "That stink."
DD: "I don't smell nothing."
Trashman: "Your water pump is going out."
Right as the words came out of my mouth, the car died. Deputy Dog eased the car over to the side of the road and looked at me.
DD: "How did you know?"
Trashman: "You couldn't smell the burning water?"
DD: "I couldn't smell nothing."
Deputy Dog radioed for assistance, then he handcuffed me to the steering wheel. I couldn't believe it. I thought they only did that in movies. He stepped out of the car climbed a fence and stepped behind a tree to take a piss. I don't really blame the guy, when you got to go, you got to go. I just think he could have been a little more professional.
While I'm sitting handcuffed to the steering wheel and the cop is pissing in the woods, my friend that was with me when I was "falsely arrested" was on his way to the jail to post bail. It was paid before I got there.
Eventually two more deputies showed up to drive us to the jail. Great, now I'm in a car with three of them. I could only imagine what the people in the cars around us were thinking. Three cops and one good guy in the same car. I must have looked like an axe murderer.
I was lead into the jail by the three deputies. As I'm being searched again, I could hear the guys in the holding cells. They were saying things like; "Who the fuck is he?" "Three cops brought him in, he must be one bad mother fucker." "Dude must be famous." "I ain't giving him my shoes." "I hope he don't make me his bitch." and assorted things of this nature. At this point I didn't know my bail was already paid. Things were either going to be real easy or real hard for me during my stay in the "Graybar Hotel".
The minute I was put in the cage, I was bombarded with questions like; "Who are you?" "Did you put up a fight?" "How come you ain't all fucked up?" "Yo man, how many DID it take to arrest you?" "You a dealer? Can I work for you when I get out?" "You think you're a badass?" "Want a cigarette?" "You want to sit here?". I was amazed at the level of stupidity in this cage. If I had been thrown in with the monkeys at the zoo it would have been about four steps up the evolutionary ladder. I looked around and said "Leave me the fuck alone." Total silence. It looked like things were going to be easy for me. I could see there were a couple of guys I might have trouble with, if they ever worked up the balls to make a move. But at the time I was fairly safe.
I walked over and sat down on the stainless steel bench. That's when the jailer yelled my name.
Jailer: "BAIL'S PAID"
I was in jail for about 15 minutes. My shortest stay ever. I stepped out of the cage, signed for my belongings and headed for the door. On the way out one of my new prison bitches handed me an envelope and asked me to mail it to his "ol lady". I could still hear the comments. "I ain't never seen anybody bail out that fast." "Dude didn't even make a phone call." "He's a BIG time dealer." "Good thing you didn't fuck with him. I heard he had a guy killed for taking his parking spot." Yep, they had stuck me in with the common criminals. I deserved better treatment than that, but due to profiling I was lumped in with the idiots. I may look like an idiot, but that doesn't make me one.
Once I got outside I opened the letter to see what I was mailing. I opened it gently so it could be resealed (HA). I'm not going to mail something from jail if I don't know what it is. Inside was a letter that said "I'm sorry baby, pleeze drop tha chargies. I swer I wont hit you no more. You know I luve you. Why wont you tak my phon calls?" I had read enough, I slipped the letter back into the envelope. My bail paying friend looked at me and said "What are you going to do with that?" I replied "Mail it." as I dropped it into the first garbage can we walked past.