Sunday, January 09, 2005

B.J. and the Barf

I have had a contract put on me. One time a friend bought my life back from some really bad guys. I have even had run-ins with the Mob on a couple of occasions. But out of all the things I've done, I have never put my life in as much danger as I'm about to do right now, by telling this little tale. The things I do for you people. This has got to be our little secret. OK? You promise? Remember loose lips sink ships and in this case could get me killed.

Back before Trashman Jr. was a twinkle in my eye, when Jen and I had only been dating a few months, we used to party like there was no tomorrow. In fact we were on a three month party. I remember the day well. We had a early meeting with Jose Quervo and throughout the meeting we had fired off quite a few Silver Bullets. For the non-drinkers: We were slamming tequila and chasing it with Coor's Light. It was still early in the evening and we were at one of our favorite bars making plans to go out later. Back then partying was serious business to us.

I had paid the tab and we worked our way out to the car. It's kind of hard to walk when your lips are hermetically sealed to someone else's. We climbed into the car and continued our public display of affection. We were parked on one of the side streets in the shadows, so we weren't really anywhere that we could be seen.

Things were getting really hot and heavy when Jen leaned across me and pulled the lever that lowers the back of the seat. I fell back and she lowered my zipper. Ahhh freedom at last, it was so nice to have my manhood out of the confining stranglehold of my jeans. I wasn't real sure what was going on because this was so unlike her. Next thing I know, I'm on the receiving end of some oral gratification. Man do I love freaky shit. There's nothing like getting blown in public.

I was having the time of my life enjoying one of the greatest things a man could get from a woman, when all of a sudden without warning "RRRRAAAALLLLPPPHHHHH" my lap was full of tequila and beer and whatever god-awful concoction Jen had for lunch. Was that corn? She sat bolt upright in her seat spewing apology after apology (she had already spewed everything else in my lap).

I pulled the lever and raised the back of the seat. I started the car and headed for home with my pants still unzipped and my dick soaked in the contents of Jen's stomach. I had to park about half a block from the house, I got out, zipped up and started walking to the house with the lap of my pants covered in puke, hoping no one would see me. All the way to the house I could only think one thing.

"It'll be years before I get another one of those."

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