Sunday, January 16, 2005

Glory Days

Back before I started dating Jen, I found myself in a position to date more than one woman at a time. The first was a nude dancer (ND), the second was a manger at a grocery store (GM) and the third was a vice president at a bank (VP). I had all my bases covered. I went out with the ladies usually on alternating nights. Usually, not always. Sometimes I would see two on the same night, and on a couple of occasions all three, if I started early enough. I never really lied to any of them. In other words I never committed myself to an exclusive relationship. They did, but I didn't. I can't help it if one of them assumed she was "the one". Which apparently each one of them believed.

I had it pretty good. Each one of these ladies offered her own special something to the relationship. The nude dancer used to take me out and buy me things, and most of the time she would insist on paying when we hit the town. Hey sometimes equal rights can be a good thing. The grocery store manager used to deliver my food to the house and I never had to pay. I would just call in an order and it would be delivered that night. The bank VP was a whole other story. She was a sexual freak. She didn't have a single inhibition, if she hadn't already tried it, she was willing to and if she had already tried it, she wanted to do it again. I was going to introduce her and the nude dancer for a little three way action and then eventually try to work in the grocery store manager. Sometimes I move too slow.

The day my little paradise came to a crashing halt was comical if nothing else. I guess you can only roll so many sevens before you crap out. Let me tell you when I crap out, I do it in style.

I had called in a grocery order the day before and and GM didn't deliver it that night due to some emergency, well I forgot all about it. The next day I was on the phone making plans for later on that evening with VP. My call waiting buzzed and I switched over. It was ND, we started talking dirty to each other and one thing led to another and it became a rather long phone call. I forgot all about VP being on the other line. I guess she got mad and hung up. While I was talking dirty to ND, GM showed up with the groceries. She let herself in the back door and put everything away, and then she came to my bedroom and caught me on the phone with ND. I had the phone in one hand and my dick in the other. GM started screaming and I hung up on ND.

Are you with me so far? So now GM is screaming, my pants are around my ankles and I just hung up on ND and VP had hung up waiting for me to come back on the line. I yanked up my pants and chased GM out the door trying to explain (lie) my way out of this.

After about 30 minutes of explaining (lying) in the front yard, I finally had GM calmed down. Lo and behold, ND shows up. She wants to know who the fuck was screaming when we were on the phone, why the fuck I hung up on her, and who is this fucking bitch in my yard. The shit had hit the fan. Now GM wanted to know why the phone sex lady would know where I lived. ND proceeded to yell she wasn't the "phone sex" lady, she was my girlfriend. GM said that wasn't possible, because she was my girlfriend. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, VP showed up. She wanted to know why I didn't answer the phone, she had been trying to call me back after I switched over on call waiting. Also who were the two crazy bitches screaming and yelling in my front yard. GM and ND turned on VP and wanted to know who the fuck she was calling crazy bitches and who the fuck she was. VP said she was my girlfriend. More shit, bigger fan.

At this point I'm sitting on the front steps trying to figure out where I went wrong. The three lovely ladies are screaming in my front yard and they're using language that would make a sailor blush. Oh goody here comes the police. I guess one of my neighbors called in a domestic dispute. It was one of the locals that I just happened to know. Sgt. Eddie gets out of his cruiser and walks up to me and says "So what's going on Trashman?" I explained that I was dating these three raving lunatics and they had just found out about each other.

Sgt. Eddie: "That's funny."
Trashman: "It's not funny from here."
Sgt. Eddie: "Do you think they'll get physical?"
Trashman: "No. They're all talk. They'll calm down in a little bit."
Sgt. Eddie: "OK. If they start swinging on each other, just call headquarters and I'll come back."
Trashman: "Where are you going?"
Sgt. Eddie: "I have real crimes to deal with. If I get involved in this, it might turn into more than an argument."
Trashman: "You're not leaving."
Sgt. Eddie: "Why not?"
Trashman: "Here in a minute they're going to figure out I'm the asshole and they're going to turn on me. Then it might get physical."

That's about the time they figured it out. I'm glad the police were there. I'm not scared of anything, but I came real close that day. Sgt. Eddie managed to get them all cleared out and gone, then he laughed at me some more and left. I was all alone. I went inside, made some dinner, watched some TV and planned.

So two weeks later after dozens of flowers and probably hundreds of those "I'm sorry baby, you know they didn't mean anything to me, you're the only one for me" phone calls, I was still alone. I gave up and made a booty call on one of my other ex's (a psycho in her own right, but that's another story). The last I heard, ND, GM, and VP were still friends.

Kind of makes me feel good that I can bring people together like that.

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