Saturday, October 30, 2004

Danny O'Death

I spent the summer I turned 16 at my older brothers house. His wife had a Danny O'Day ventriloquist dummy. I was stuck in a small town with nothing to do, so I started working on the art of ventriloquism. By the end of the summer I inherited Danny.

School rolled around and Danny's wooden ass was parked on a chair by my bed. He sat there night after night staring at the wall, never complaining. I pretty much forgot about him, but not for long.

One night I woke up just knowing something was wrong. I rolled over and to my horror Danny was no longer staring at the wall, he was looking straight at me. I froze. Those cold wooden eyeballs were looking right dead in my eyes. I swear he winked at me. I couldn't move or make a sound. Finally I called out my brothers name. Nothing. I called him again. Still nothing. I slowly reached down to the floor, grabbed a shoe and threw it at him. Bullseye. He sat up in bed screaming.

G: "What the fuck do you want?"
Trashman: "Turn on the lights."
G: "Huh?"
Trashman: "Just for the love of God, turn on the lights."

I knew my brother didn't have to fear the forces of darkness. He walked hand in hand with evil most of the time. Believe it or not I'm the good twin. He stormed out of bed, walked over and smacked the light switch. Salvation, the lights were on. I jumped out of bed, grabbed Danny by the throat, opened the closet door and threw him on the shelf. I closed the closet door, dusted my hands together, killed the lights and went back to dreaming about whatever starlet was the pick of the week.

The next morning I rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. All the happenings of the previous night were already distant memories. After relieving myself I went back into my bedroom to get ready for school. As I opened the closet door I saw movement out of the top of my eyes, I looked up quickly to see what was going on. In a split second I knew what insanity tasted like. It has a coppery taste like blood when you bite your tongue. Only it's cold, bitter cold.

There was Danny coming at me arms stretched out, maniacal grin on his face. I knew he was coming to drag me into the bowels of hell. Somewhere in the distance I could hear a bitch scream. It was a high pitched panty waisted sissy school girl scream. The kind a 12 year old girl would make if you dumped a bucket of worms on her. If you could spell the scream, it would look like "EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" only longer.

My brother ran down the hall into the bedroom.
G: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I realized I was the one screaming. I looked down at the floor. There lay Danny grinning up at me, as innocent as you please. He couldn't fool me. I knew he was demon spawn. I looked back up at my brother.
Trashman: "This fucking dummy fell on my foot."
G: "You need to do something about that dummy. Between last night and this morning, I'm starting to wonder about you."
Trashman: "He fell on my foot."
G: "Pussy."
Trashman: "It hurt."

G turned and walked back down the hall. I looked down at Danny, flipped him the bird and kicked him under my bed.

The next few nights getting into bed became an Olympic event. I would turn the lights off and jump across the room, hoping to make the safety of my blankets before Danny could snake that stuffed arm out and drag me kicking and screaming (like a 12 year old girl) into the netherworld. A few days after Danny attempted to steal my soul, I was sitting at school when a friend of mine came up and sat with me.

Dago: "Yo, Dude?"
Trashman: "Yo."
Dago: "You still got that dummy?"
Trashman: "Uh, yeah. Why?"
Dago: "Can I borrow it? I want to scare my little brother."
Trashman: "SURE!!!"

That afternoon he came over to my house to pick up Danny. I pointed under the bed.

Dago: "He's scary looking. I'm not sure I could keep him under my bed. HaHaHa."
Trashman: "I ain't scared of nothing."
Dago: "Thanks man. When do you want him back?"
Trashman: "Uh. Never. Keep him."
Dago: "Really? Cool. I can scare a lot of my cousins with this thing."

I thought, Dago my friend you don't know the half of it. Dago headed for the door and he looked at Danny and said "Come on Danny. We're gonna have some fun." With that he carried Danny out my front door like you would a small child. As he walked away Danny was looking over Dago's shoulder at me. I swear he winked.

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