A man died and went to heaven. When he got there, St. Peter started giving him the tour.
The first thing St. Peter did was take the man to a wall full of clocks.
The man said "What are those?"
St. Peter: "Those are lying clocks. There is one for everybody. Every time you tell a lie some time ticks off."
St. Peter pointed at a clock. "See the one that is at noon? That one belongs to Mother Theresa. She has never told a lie so no time has ticked off."
St. Peter pointed at another clock. "See the one that is two minutes after 12:00? That one belongs to Abe Lincoln, he told two lies in his life so two minutes ticked off."
The man: "Does John Kerry have a clock?"
St. Peter: "Yes he does, but Jesus keeps it in his room."
The man: "Why does Jesus keep it in his room?"
St. Peter: "He's using it as a ceiling fan."