Black Friday

I crawled my ass out of bed at 5am this morning to hit one of the sales. I didn't think I needed to get up that early because it wasn't one of your regular electronics sales. Boy was I wrong. I got to Home Depot just as they opened the doors. It was already a mad house. I was there for the Ryobi four piece cordless tool set. I had already staked out the spot earlier this week. The set was going to be on sale for $59.99, that's $100.00 off the regular price. The set comes with a flashlight, drill, circular saw, and reciprocating saw, plus two batteries and a charger. All I really wanted was the batteries and charger. I have all the other tools except the reciprocating saw, that was the bonus. I kinda wanted that also. Two batteries and a charger are normally $60.00 by themselves. So it was quite the bargain.

I got my basket and headed for the tool department. On the way I took out two do-it-yourselfers, one pregnant lady and a decorator. I kinda felt bad about the pregnant lady but the other three got no business in there. Do-it-yourselfers just fuck up shit and decorators don't know what they're doing, they just go in and charge home owners for ideas that usually can't be done. They really make my life hard, so any time I can run over run with a shopping cart you can bet the bitch is going down. You can spot them by the hair-bun, glasses on the top of the head, yellow notebook in the crook of the arm, chewing on a pencil, yakking on the cell phone, while holding color samples and looking at $400.00 bathroom faucets. $400.00 for a fucking faucet, fucking stupid bitches. Anybody that charges a home owner for telling them they need to spend $400.00 for a faucet needs to be put down. Slowly and painfully.

So I get to the tool department and spot my tool set. Priced $159.99. What the fuck? Next to it was a different set for $59.99. It included the flashlight, drill, circular saw and a cordless radio. I figured fine, fuck-em I just wanted the batteries and charger anyway. I throw the set into my cart and look at the picture. Something was wrong. Only one of the tools had a battery plugged into it, I looked around and all the other sets showed two tools with batteries. So I read the box. Mother fucker if this set didn't have but one fucking battery. Bait and fucking switch. I put it back on the shelf and headed for the door. I had just played shopping cart demolition derby for nothing. On my way out, at least three employees asked if I had found everything alright. I told them I had found the dirty business practices right where I expected to and I'm going to Lowe's to get treated right. I did however stop at the exit and admire a rolling red tool box for $59.99, I convinced myself I didn't need it.

At Lowe's (where I swore I was not going to shop anymore because they don't sell Christmas trees, they sell family trees) I bought a ladder. Hey, they had a great price and I had broken the one I stole. I came home and relaxed for the rest of the day. That's my Black Friday story.

I went back to Home Depot tonight and bought the last red tool box. I tried to get a deal on the floor model also. The manager offered me 10% off. I told him it wasn't worth $6.00 to load it and he could stick it up his ass and I would be back next week and pull it out for 30%. He said I would never get it for that price. Guess I'll have to go back next week and make a deal with his boss.

Keep on keeping on.

First Annual Shit I'm Thankful For Post

I tried all night to come up with things I'm thankful for. Man is that rough. Tossed and turned all night. I wanted to make this a humorous post, but I wasn't sure I good pull it off, so I decided to try the serious route. But before we get to that I wanted to talk about me a little more.

Around here Thanksgiving Day is referred to as Man Day. See I cook and clean and do laundry (as mentioned in the last post) all year long. After all I am the perfect man. But on Thanksgiving Day, I don't do shit. I get up when I want, lay on the couch and watch football all day and eat when it's ready, then I watch more football and eat again when I'm ready. See. Man Day. I'm the man and it's my day. So far today, I've gotten up, fed the kids, been to the store twice, put the turkey on and done three loads of laundry. I'm even missing the game to bring you this post. What the fuck happened to Man Day? Enough about me. Now my list of shit I'm thankful for, which is actually more about me.

Shit I'm Thankful For
1. The statute of limitations.
2. Finding a woman that could handle my massive manhood.
3. Porn.
4. Internet porn.
5. The Confederate flag (that one's for Nightmare).
6. Football on Man Day.
7. Fabric softener (what, I have sensitive skin).
8. Automatic dishwashers (I've got too much to do already).
9. My sense of humor (I am a funny mother fucker)
10. My blue eyes (you ladies can't deny, you know you got wet looking at them).
11. Coupons.
12. Short shorts are back.
13. Indoor plumbing.
14. Cinnabon Mocha Latte in a can (no more malls).
15. Fire starter logs (without them there would be no fire).
16. War driving (look it up).
17. This blog (without it I probably wouldn't be famous).
18. My life experiences (so y'all know what not to do).
19. The Dallas Fucking Cowboys.
20. Bluebell ice cream.
21. Y'all.

That's the top of my list, come back next year for more. Some things I'm truly thankful for are:
1. Jen
2. My boys
3. The U.S. Armed Forces
4. Porn

Keep on keeping on and HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

NaBloPoMo Number 21: The Mommy Blog

This whole NaBloPoMo thing has me all fucked up. I want to tell more stories of my past but at the same time I don't want to blow my load all in one month. I'm afraid my blog is just going to turn into another mommy blog or in my case mother blog.You know the ones that say: "I went to the store today and pushed the cart around with junior in it, he tried to grab a can of beans, isn't he so cute?" BLAAAAAACCCHHHHH. Plus I would like for more people to read the good stuff. My ego needs stroking, amongst other parts of me. Speaking of stroking, I got something I gotta do. I'll be right back.

OK I'm back, that didn't take long. One thing that has me really confused is no one is taking me up (ha ha I said up) on my offer for Trash Juice. What's wrong with you ladies out there. This is the good stuff at discount prices. Tell you what if you order by Black Friday I'll give you the guaranteed pregnancy at the one shot price. If you want old fashioned baby making you'll still have to make a deal with Jen.

Tomorrow I will do my First Annual Shit I'm Thankful For Post. I'm not sure how it's gonna turn out yet, but it should be interesting. So you fuckers need to take some time away from the family and check my post and be sure you fucking comment. If the family ask you what you're doing, just tell them you're having some quality Trash time. If they push the issue, hit them in the head with a drumstick or ham bone. I don't care which, just hit them, they shouldn't be coming between us.

Another thing. I've been checking my tracker. I'm getting a lot more visitors than commenter's. Don't be shy people. Comment two or three times. I live off that shit. I'll try to comment on y'all more often. You know me, I'm a giving kind of guy. Speaking of giving. I have a dilemma.

What do you get a woman for Christmas, that already has the best gift in the world? I mean Jen is married to me, what more could she ask for? I don't drink (anymore). I don't do drugs (anymore). I'm not out whoring around (anymore). I go to work and come home and cook and clean and do laundry and pay the bills and do the shopping (I'm a better shopper). I'm a great fucking guy, other than the fact that I'm a loud, overbearing, obnoxious, opinionated, control freak sort of asshole, I am the perfect man. Fuck it. I AM THE PERFECT MAN. There I said it. Anyway the perfect man needs some ideas what to get the woman married to the perfect man. Got any?

Keep on keeping on.

That's My Boy

My oldest boy (Trash Jr) is 13 years old. So you know what that means. He knows everything. Don't believe me, just ask him. He'll also argue about anything. If you say it's day, he'll swear it's night. There has not been a week since the 4th grade that I have not received an email or note or phone call from a teacher or assistant principal and sometimes principal about his behavior. And not really behavior, it's his mouth. He can't shut it. He seems to think that he's a funny mother fucker, just like his dear old dad. So do most of the kids in his class. I've told him a million times that there's only room enough in this house for one funny man and he ain't it. After tonight I am seriously considering passing the torch and retiring from the funny business. Tonight he said some funny shit, problem is, he almost gave his mom a heart attack.

I was in the garage yelling into the kitchen when this took place. Advice time. If you're in the process of sitting down when you hear the funniest shit you've heard in a long time, it is best to go ahead and fall. You'll do less bodily harm than you would trying to save yourself.

Trash:"Hey Jen. There's a new Paris Hilton sex tape out."
Trash Jr: "What did he say?"
Jen: "He said Paris Hilton made a new movie."
Trash: "Yeah. A movie where she's doing the nasty."
Jen: "That's enough."
Trash Jr: "A new sex movie?"
Trash: "Yep."
Jen: "I don't want to talk about this."
Trash Jr: "I only have one thing to say."
Jen: "What?"
Trash Jr: "I hope it's better than the last one."

Speechless

Can you believe it? I've got nothing to say. Me of all people. I love the sound of my own voice. I like to watch myself type. Yet. I'm silent. Actually I've got plenty to talk about, just not the energy to do it. Plus all the post that I have in mind are long winded in true Trashman form. I don't smoke in the house, so normally I don't smoke when I'm on the computer. I set up a small desk in the garage, so now with this NaBloPoMo thing going on I manage to get a lot more smoking done.

I've got some new readers and some of the old ones are starting to return. This comeback tour might not be such a bad thing after all. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Keep on keeping on and remember, I'm watching you.

Beat Down

Hanging drywall sucks. A lot. Twenty-two more post to go. More later tonight.

Keep on keeping on.

Sunday Morning Sermons Should Be This Short

It's Sunday morning and I have a couple of minutes to spare, plus I owe a post. So I'm killing two birds with one rock. Now I have to go to work. So I'll post again when I get home and I'll be all caught up. Read some of the old stuff until then.