Thursday, October 04, 2007

Half The Man I Used To Be

My blogging has been lacking for quite some time now, in case you haven't noticed. I have no excuse. Except for one really long one. I'll give you the short version.

For the past year or so I've been really sick. When I say sick, I mean dying a slow painful death. I can only work 4 0r 5 hours a day. I'm always sore to the bone and I'm as tired as ... something that's really tired. Don't get me wrong, I ain't whining or bitching or moaning or complaining, except to Jen. I wound up in the emergency room twice because of this. They only found a fucked up blood count. My symptoms ranged anywhere from leukemia to lupus to THE BEAST (aids).

Jen managed to snag a job 6 months ago with benefits. So off to the doctor I went. She sent me to a blood doctor ( I ain't looking up the correct term). He did a BUNCH of test including a bone marrow biopsy and some kind of spleen thing. Turns out I'm lupus free, leukemia free, and I ain't got THE BEAST. However I have and enlarged spleen. Nobody knows why. So he sends me to another doctor. New doctor runs a BUNCH of test. My vitamin D is real low (explains my craving for milk) and now the kicker. My testosterone is so low it would have to be tripled to be a low reading.

The nurse conveyed this information to me and I almost fell out of my chair laughing. It went something like this.

Nurse: " Mr. Trash you have low testosterone."
Nurse: "I don't see what's so funny, this is a serious matter."
Trash: "Lady you must be reading that upside down or backwards."
Nurse: "No. I don't think so. I DO know how to read these reports."
Trash: "I'm way to much man to have low testosterone."
Nurse: "I don't follow."
Trash: "If I were any manlier I would need six wives."
Nurse: "Huh?"
Trash: "I chase my wive around like a horny rabbit."
Nurse: "But do you catch her or is it all in your mind?"
Trash: "If I don't catch her then I beat my monkey bloody."
Nurse: "How often does this occur?"
Trash: "Daily."
Nurse: "We're going to have to refer you to a testosterone specialist."

Once again I'm being passed of to another doctor. It seems that when you have insurance you get passed around like a Saturday night fun time girl. My appointment is the 22nd of this month. I'm not sure if they're going to give me any testosterone or not but if they do I'm defiantly going to be doing some experimenting. The good news is due to the sickness that can not be named I'm losing weight. The bad news is due to my depleated man juice the weight I'm losing is muscle mass and not the fat that orbits me. So I used to be strong like bull and dumb like ox. Now I'm just dumb like ox.

Any way that's it in a nut shell. I'll try to post more often. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know where to find it. In the dictionary between shit and syphillis. I just wanted to explain to y'all and I'm not a secrets kind of guy. To those of y'all that have emailed and I haven't answered. Sorry but it was my nap time.

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