Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just Some Stuff

I got an 8 ball and 3 hookers for my birthday. Not exactly the ones I was looking for but I still got them.

I dodged a bullet this week. A short time ago Jen and I got into some freaky aquatics and due to the water some necessary safety precautions were not taken. I was sweating for a couple of weeks. Until yesterday. Jen informed she could not get into the pool due to her visitor. I did the happy dance.

I was watching the boys jump from the trampoline into the pool. That shit looked like fun and since I was in a celebratory mood I decided to give it a try. Once again I have secured my title of SUPER IDIOT. I attempted a move called a preachers seat. If preformed properly it causes a better splash than a cannon ball. It was fun until I hit the water. Since the pool is only 30" deep I hit the bottom not long after breaking the surface. I landed dead on my ass (I don't really have any ass to land on).My head, back and arms still hurt. Oh and my legs are still numb. So much for maturing.

Today I stepped out the back door on the job site. The home owner is the idiot that built the back deck that I will be rebuilding at the end of the job. The door is about 2 feet above the deck, now I've stepped out this door a thousand times but this time something happened that has never happened. Due to the shitty workmanship and the complete stupidity this guy suffers from when it comes to construction when my foot hit the deck a board snapped and the step no longer was a 2 foot drop. It became a 3 foot drop. If my legs were not already numb from my attempt to fly yesterday (and the Vicodin I took) I imagine I would be in a lot more pain right now. I'm pretty sure I at least tore some ligaments in my foot. As far as the ankle goes it could be broken or sprained. Don't know and thanks to Vitamin V, I don't care.

I've lost about 40 pounds since I've developed this condition the doctors can't figure out. Which is a good thing. Unfortunately I believe it's all muscle mass. My strength is about half of what it used to be. I can live with it as long as I stay pretty.

On night last week I woke up with a case of night terrors. I was completely paralyzed I couldn't even scream. And I really wanted to, because the devil was standing in the corner of my bedroom. Now I ain't skeered of nothing but that dude spooks me a little bit. This isn't the first time I've dealt with him. Anyway he was standing there smiling at me and he said "Trash, I'm coming to get what's mine. Real soon." Then he was gone and I could move again. I rolled out of the bed onto the floor, got up and went to take a piss and get a drink and then I went back to bed. Three days later I woke up and a black scrawny arm with a huge hand and long skinny fingers with claws on the end was reaching across the bed, coming at me. It jerked back under the bed when I sat up. I got up, took a piss, got a drink and went back to bed. Jen says I was dreaming. I know what I saw.

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy.

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