Two Birds, One Rock

OK, I have a couple of people to answer to. First, my vice-presidential running mate (Jenn) asked me five questions and then Nightmare asked me to list five things I just don't get. I'm a little slow in answering these and I would like to apologize for that. Let me start with Jenn. My answers will be in red.

1. When you're elected president will you be letting the vice president make most of the major decisions like how things are in this administration? I don't know if I can handle all that pressure so I need to know now so I can prepare. Jenn, as vice-president your only job will be to stop me from making an ass of myself. You will fail at this, at the inauguration. Other than that I don't know what a V.P. does, hell I don't even know if we have one now and if we do, what his name is.

2. How did you sucker Jen into staying around all these years? Charm, wit, and personality. Not to mention my large bank account, big dick and I'm fucking hot.

3. How is your mom doing? She starts her chemo soon. The operation was a success. Chemo is just to be sure. No inheritance yet.

4. In light of all your health issues have you been trying to take better care of yourself? I work out at least an hour and half every day in the pool and I'm real careful about my caloric intake. Hang on I smell cookies.

5. If you could change one thing that has happened in your past what would it be? Nothing. My past is what made me the warm, wonderful, caring, person that I am today.

Now on to Nightmares list of five things I just don't get.

1. I don't get lawyers that advertise on T.V. saying things like "Hire me now, and I'll get you a ton of money." or "Did you kill a family of 12 while driving drunk? Call me and I can get you off with a misdemeanor". Who hires these idiots?

2.I don't get depressed people. I'm short, fat, bald, broke, have a little dick, no job, too sick to work, have an area in my pants known as "The Dead Zone". Yet I'm happy. What the fuck are you people depressed about?

3. I don't get why I didn't sell more earrings.

4. I don't get today’s gas prices. Yeah crude is $60.00 a barrel, but that's sweet crude. The price of sour crude hasn't changed. There are still refineries in America that process sour crude. The companies that own these refineries have reported record breaking profits. BIG companies. Companies we all buy gas from every day. I won't mention the names of these companies, simply because I don't want to disappear in the middle of the night.

5. I don't get paranoia. There's no such thing. Big business and the government are really out to get us all. So are our neighbors, and that weird guy standing on the corner with the sign is really an agent for a government department known only by initials.

Bonus I don't get it. I don't get why anyone would vote for anybody but me in the next presidential election.

I will not pass these on to anyone. I like to make sure the buck stops here. That and I'm not as cruel as my kids think I am.

Note: One week until "Trash Day". Gifts, cards, and used underwear from you women, will be accepted.