Ok good people I haven't been on here in a while, due to the fact I've sort of been planning my campaign. That's right, The Trashman is running for president. You heard it here first and as soon as I can find out how to make it official, I will.
Now I bet you're wondering "What does The Trashman know about being president?" Well to that I say, just as much as the people I'll be running against. George Bush can't be president again and the only way anyone could know what it takes, would be to have had the job already. Who else are you going to vote for? Hillary Clinton?
I do know this much. America is a business and should be run like a business. It should be run by businessmen not politicians. It's all about profit. Now I've been pretty successful running my own businesses, unfortunately I had to leave them due to legalities. So why not give me a chance with a legal business.
I have inhaled and forgotten to exhale. I've lied, cheated, and stole. I have broken most laws, commandments, and rules. I'm not going to hide from my past. Ask me the question and I'll give you a honest answer, unless you ask me about that sheep when I was 14. Basically what I'm saying is, I'm putting it all out there for the whole world to see. Nobody can drag up my past indiscretions to cost me the election. If I lose, then I lost all on my own.
I can balance the budget almost immediately. How you ask? The first thing is foreign aid. After I'm elected Foreign Aid will be an imported drink. That's right no more free money. If you want Americas money you better have something to sell, we're not giving it away anymore. The second thing is welfare. Gone. You want a government check, get it the old fashion way. Earn it. If you receive government money you will be required to work at least 40 hours per week. Go clean up some graffiti. Number three. The military. They're all coming home. We have borders to protect. I figure if we're not messing around in their backyard then they shouldn't be messing around in ours. When was the last time someone attacked a country that was minding they're own business?
Immigration. Touchy subject. If you do not have a work visa. Get the fuck out. If you do not have a student visa. Get the fuck out. If you have not applied for citizenship. Get the fuck out. If you do not have previously granted political asylum. Get the fuck out. That's another thing. Citizenship. If you want it you better learn to speak fucking American (we don't speak English, the English speak English, we speak American). We need to take care of our own before we worry about the rest of the world. What's the old saying? Charity begins at home.
No more labels. Stop with the Afro-American, Hispanic-American, Japanese-American, Whatever-American bullshit. By putting prefixes on American you point out the differences in our population. What's wrong with being AMERICAN? Then we're all the same. I'm not saying we can't all be a little different, individuality is a good thing. But we are all American aren't we? It's that common bond that should pull us together.
Healthcare. Still working on this one.
United Nations. Get the fuck out. Go set up office on an island somewhere. We will no longer be host to a bunch of weenies that hate us anyway. Besides the UN building would make great housing. Which brings me to another of Americas problems.
The homeless. There is no call for anyone to be homeless in America. This is after all the land of opportunity. I would set up an organization to help these people get of the streets, but they're going to earn it. That's right, America will help you get a home, but you're going to work for it.
Imports. America will gladly let you ship your cheap electronics into our beautiful consumer land, but you better be prepared to accept the same amount of stuff from us. If you don't buy our stuff. We're not buying yours. By keeping our money in our country and making our own stuff, we create more jobs for our people. In turn these people spend the money buying American made products. See the big picture?
The two inevitable. Death and Taxes
The death penalty. It will now include child molesters, as long as there is DNA proof. That's another thing, DNA proof. Let's clear out some of these old cases. If there is DNA proof and it could free someone then by all means let them out. But if there is DNA proof parking your ass on death row. Fuck the appeals . Sparky meet Killer. Killer meet Sparky.
Tax. No more income tax. Flat rate sales tax. You buy something, you pay taxes. This way everybody gets taxed at the same rate. Now, some rich fucker is going to say this is not fair, he pays more tax because he bought a Ferrari. Well I say, buy a fucking Chevy you prick.
This is what I've come up with so far. I figure I've got four years to perfect my plan of attack. I've also started picking my cabinet members. Well one of them anyway.
Secretary of State. Jack. I think we need a diplomat with some good old Texas common sense. Plus he's not in the shit business. He doesn't give it, he doesn't take it, and he damned sure ain't buying it.
I know not everybody is going to agree with me. The ability to disagree with The Trashman is part of what makes this a free country. Yet I'm sure I could do a good job and make y'all proud.
The next President of the United States will now accept your questions.