Thursday, October 20, 2005

Great Caesar's Ghost

Finally tally.
1. Barred from Caesar's - 25
2. Dead Chick - 18
3. Get Me Killed - 7

Some of y'all voted for all 3. That's cool. I was just surprised by the number of people that want me dead. Seems like my absence has cost me some love.

So sit back and make yourselves comfortable, mix a drink, pour a beer, take some painkillers, whatever it is you do to prepare yourself to read one of my tales. This one is a doozy, I'm about to share a story with you that has remained a secret until I told it to Zelda and Jethro. Since I told them, I'll share it with you. I'm warning you ahead of time this story is full of bodily functions and secretions, if you have a queasy stomach stop now. I'm stooping to an all time low and I hope you enjoy it.

I don't remember what year it was I just know it was about 6 or 7 years ago. Jen and I were split up due to my temporary insanity. I was still in business with WBG and things were going financially well. Six of us had gone to Vegas for the Super Bowl, it was me and Kelly, The Saint and Lori, and WBG and his wife.

Saturday night me, Lori, WBG and his wife crossed the street to Caesers Palace to get a few drinks and do a little dancing. The Saint stayed behind to play Black Jack (he was angry because Lori wasn't giving up any). I don't remember where Kelly was, I'm assuming she was visiting her Uncle Paulie in the penthouse at Harrah's.

The tequila was flowing like a river and I was tearing up the dance floor with Lori (I'm quite agile for a fat fuck and one hell of a dancer when I'm drunk). After about 7 or 8 songs and somewhere around the 11th shot of tequila, Lori and I worked our way back to the table. WBG and his wife had just ordered another round. I sat down and Lori straddled my lap looking me right in the eye. She leaned forward and sweetly whispered in my ear. "I'm not wearing any underwear." Then she reached up under her skirt, grabbed my zipper and freed Willy. We proceeded to do some some dirty dancing right at the table. We're swapping spit and other body fluids when the waitress shows up with our order. I grabbed my shot of tequila and downed it real quick. The following conversation is not verbatim, but rather from little snippets of what I remember from that night.

Trashman: "Excuse me miss. Could you bring us another round?"
Waitress: "Yes sir."
WBG: "Are you two fucking."
Trashman: "Shhhhh you'll ruin my concentration ."
Lori: "Ignore them. Just fuck me."
Trashman: "It's hard to ignore a disco full of people."
Lori: "Do what you have to do. Just fuck me."
WBG: "They're fucking."
His Wife: "Are you two crazy?"
Trashman: "She is."
Lori: "Shut and fu...."
Waitress: "That'll be $25.00."
Trashman: "Here's $50.00 keep the change."
Waitress: "Thank you sir. By the way security is watching you and if they figure out what you're doing you'll be thrown out."
Lori: "I'm done now. You can finish."
Trashman: "Give me just a second."

After I blew my load, Lori grabbed a napkin reached under her dress while we were still tongue rasslin and cleaned me up. She caged Willy and zipped me back up all the while only using one hand. I'm not sure but I think she had done this a time or two, and now I knew why she wasn't giving it up to The Saint. He was going for traditional sex and she was a fucking freak.

We drank a few (bunch) more shots of tequila and danced some more. The booze started to do it's damage and I knew it was time for a trip to the men's room, when our waitress returned I had her lead me to the facilities.

I strolled (stumbled) into the mens room and walked up to the first sink I saw, and blew chunks, I stepped down to the next sink and regurgitated, stepped over one more time and lost my lunch. I turned on the water, washed my face, rinsed my mouth and started stirring the puke with my finger. I looked up and see the mens room attendant staring at me.

Trashman: "I'll get it to drain."

I stirred a little longer when I began to feel a rumbling in my bowels. I walked (tripped) to a stall, hung my jacket on the door, dropped my pants, sat down and my ass exploded. Now I'm shitting pure liquid and I have to puke again, so I lean forward and let loose.

Recap. I've got the Hershey squirts and I'm leaned over blowing chunks, I smell like smoke, booze, puke, shit, sweat and nasty sex. Now I fall off the toilet and land in my own vomit. That's right my ass is sticking up in the air and I'm laying in puke. Isn't that how Elvis died? I heard a voice and I eventually looked up and the attendant was staring at me under the door.

attendant: "Are you alright sir?"
Trashman: "I'll be fine. I'm just gonna lay here on the cool tile for a minute."
attendant: "It can't be very cool, it's covered in puke."
Trashman: "Oh yeah. I'm done anyway. Gotta get back to my friends."

I got off the floor and cleaned as much puke and shit off as I could, stepped over to the sink and washed off a little more. I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw (I was drunk, really drunk) and headed out the door. No sooner than I stepped out I was grabbed by two gorillas and pushed against the wall.

Gorilla 1: "Are you a guest here sir?"
Trashman: "Nope. I'm staying at Harrahs."
Gorilla 1: "Do you have a casino card sir?"
Trashman: "Sure."
Gorilla 1: "Could we see it sir."
Trashman: "Sure."

I fished out the card and handed it to the gorilla, he stuck it in his pocket and nodded at gorilla 2, they grabbed me by both arms and started dragging me towards the cab stand.

Gorilla 1: "Sir you're barred from Caesars. For life."
Trashman: "OK"

See even I know when not to put up a fight.

They threw me in a cab and sent me across the street to Harrahs.

I don't remember the ride, just that it cost me $100.00 to cross the street. I remember getting in the cab and then I came too in the hallway being kicked in the leg by one of Harrahs finest.

Harrahs Security: "Is this your room sir?"
Trashman: "Does this key work?"
I handed him my electronic card.
Harrahs Security: "Yes sir."
Trashman: "Then it must be my room."

They opened the door and Kelly was standing there. Uh-oh we woke her up.

Harrahs Security: "Ma'am does this belong to you?"
Kelly: "Yeah?"
Harrahs Security: "Where do you want him?"
Kelly: "Just drop him in the floor."
Harrahs Security: "Sir don't leave the room tonight."
Trashman: "OK"

I passed out on the floor, when I woke up the sun was shining though the window and Kelly was gone. I gradually stood up and looked and myself in the mirror. It was horrible, and then the stink hit me, I almost puked again. My suit was encrusted with puke and shit and God knows what else. I crawled into the shower fully clothed and turned on the water. The stuff was hardened on and I knew the only way I was going to get it off was, wet. After my shower I bagged up the suit and called the front desk to pick up some dry cleaning. Kelly came back to the room and I asked where she had been. I was informed she had to leave due to the stink. Go figure.

When it was returned the next day I called the front desk and chewed some ass for the cleaners ruining my suit. They cut me a check for $650.00. I only paid $350.00 for the suit in the first place.

So now y'all know the story. I had public sex, shit on myself, fell in my own vomit, got barred from Caesars for life, and ruined a suit but I made $300.00 on the deal.

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