I know you've missed me. Even I missed me. I've been sick, but now I'm back to fascinate you with the tales of my bravery, stupidity and dare-devil tactics.
Step in to the way back machine. Sit down, shut-up and hang on real tight. We're going on a ride. I call this ride the fat girl follies.
I'm a fairly large guy myself, so don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being over weight. There's just something wrong with humping a fat chick. I don't mean fat when I say fat. I mean 5'3" and weighing in around 450. I mentioned this ride once before. Now for the gory details.
It was a Saturday night (it could have been any night because I was at the bar almost every night) at The Armadillo Run. I was drunk, really really drunk (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and the ladies were lined up to ask me to dance with them (I AM one of the best). Suddenly my view of the rest of the bar was blocked my a pretty face (you thought I was gonna say fat chick) attached to a fat chick. The girl was pretty, in fact her sister was a model for Vogue magazine. I had known her for quite some time. I had even cut a rug with her a few times. Well, she was on the hunt this night, and I was they prey. She monopolized me on the dance floor and bought me a bunch of booze, so come closing time I was even drunker than really really drunk.
I forgot to give her a name. Let's call her Tessie. Tessie somehow manages to get me into the parking lot and I somehow manage to get her into my car. This was no easy feat. It should have been, but it wasn't. I drove a 1973 Cadillac Coup de Ville, one of the biggest cars ever built. I couldn't get her into the back seat. The front seat wouldn't lean far enough forward. We were drunk, she was horny and I was enterprising. I leaned the front seas back as far as they would go, now they were shaped like a giant "V", I laid her down in the "V" and somehow managed to remove the biggest pair of underwear I ever seen in my life. I climbed into the car and pulled the door shut behind me. Back in those days I was fairly fit and could bend in a few different directions.
Now I have my left knee on the steering wheel, my right foot is pressed against the arm rest on the door and I have her right leg (which is about the size of a side of beef) thrown over my left shoulder. I have on hand on the head rest and the other in the air (I planned on staying on for the full 8 seconds) and I am attempting to do as much damage as I can with my pathetic little dick. I still wonder to this day if I ever really got it in. Whether I did or not, she fed my ego.
So all is said and done and we're attempting to get redressed, Tessie forgot to put her drawers back on (I'm not the only one that was drunk) so I stretched them over the back of the front seat with the head rest poking through the leg holes (instant seat cover). I had to drive her home so off we went. I know friends don't let friends drive drunk, but my friends abandoned me when they saw me banging Tessie. I wasn't real worried because it was a small town, late at night and not enough cops to patrol the back streets. Somehow I managed to get pulled over.
The cop walked up to my car and shined his light right in my face. He knew me and I knew him. In fact we partied together from time to time.
Cop: "You been drinking tonight Trash?"
Trashman: "I had two beers."
Cop (leaning in the car): "What about you miss?"
This is where he gets a good look at her and then sees her underwear stretched across the front seat.
Cop: "What the fuck is that, Trash?"
Trashman: "Oh those? Her underwear."
Cop (visibly shaken): "I'm going to follow you. Take her home, then go home yourself. If you don't do exactly as I say, I will arrest you for DWI."
I took Tessie to her house and by the time we got there I was starting to sober up. She was snuggled up to me. As we pulled into her drive way she looks into my eyes.
Tessie: "Let's go inside and do it again."
Trashman: "I wish I could, but I have the get home or I'm going to be arrested."
Tessie "Oh yeah. Maybe we can get together later this week."
Trashman: "Uh yeah maybe."
I let her out of the car and headed home. I couldn't wait to get there. I needed a shower. When I got home I got out of my car and walked back to the cop car.
Trashman: "Thanks man. I owe you one."
Cop: "You don't owe me anything. I just wished I could have got to you sooner."
Trashman: "Don't tell nobody."
Cop: "Fuck that. I'm telling everybody."
Trashman: "Yeah I guess. I know I would."
Cop: "Don't forget to take those nasty drawers off you car seat. That car doesn't deserve that."
Trashman: "Good night."
Cop: "Too late for it to be a good night. You already fucked a fat chick. HAHAHA"
Note: If I offended anyone, GET OVER IT. You're just going to be at the top of the list for offended folks this week. I'm just getting started.