Sunday, March 16, 2008


Those of you that have met and know me know that I am a shy, quiet, reserved, secretive kind of person. So me telling you about my 5 year plan is my way of trying to overcome some of my reclusiveness (is that a word?). Those of you that know me betterer also know that I don't live from day to day, so my 5 year plan will not be such a suprise.

A couple of you remember that I am running for President if by some freak chance I win, my 5 year plan will change to read simply "World Domination". If I don't win here is my plan.

A trip inside the mind of The Trashman.

One of the things I plan on after my failed attempt at fixing our country, is getting a set of store bought teeth. Since I won't have the great dental plan that comes with being commander in chief, I guess I'll just go with the lowest bidder. As far as medical goes, since the doctors can't figure out what's wrong with me and my ex-insurance decided not to pay the bills I quit going to my appointments. I figure it can't kill me if I don't know what it is. So I'll just keep on living.

Housing. I want an old Air Stream trailer somewhere in the woods (no neighbors). If there ain't no kids to walk through my yard, then I can't throw no rocks at them. I'm OK with the trailer having a flat or 2 and a slight tilt to one side. As long as the fridge will stay closed and keep my ice cream frozen, then it's all good. If it don't stay closed I'll just buy a bungee cord.

Employment. I want to be a ward of the state or on some kind of trumped up disability. That is of course unless I get famous. Then nothing changes except I won't have to sweat when my government check doesn't show up on the third of the month.

Marital Status. Divorced. Planing on taking my new girlfriend to her high school prom.

Transportation. Meals on Wheels. Won't be able to afford gas. On the rare occasions that I need to get to town, I'll get my girlfriends dad to drive me. Like every Friday night when I go to the Nudie Bar.

Entertainment. See above.


There are other things I have planned, such as I want to be known by the towns people as that crazy old man on the hill or the old pervert that's dating half the high school. I would like rumors spread about me, whispering behind my back where I'm referred to as that "serial killer dude" and assorted other falsehoods. I'll probably start most of these myself. Including the one about witness protection and the one about escaping from the prison for the criminally insane. I want my humble abode to be the one the kids dare each other to approach on Halloween, of course I'll probably be playing dress up with my new girlfriend. I want the sheriff to show up on a weekly basis telling me that he's been getting more complaints about me. Oh and I want to spend my days sitting on a park bench feeding the ducks.

We use 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 2 to pull a trigger. I'm lazy and I'm tired of smiling.

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