Thursday, December 18, 2008

I Know It All

OK peoples here's your answers. I know I'm late but I have good reason. I'm not telling you what they are, but I've got them. I'm not responsible for what you do with my advice. It's up to you to remember that you asked a guy that calls himself The Trashman for advice. Your questions are in normal print complete with misspellings and bad grammar. My answers are in bold italics, spell checked and brilliant.

Dear Mr trashmanHow does one go through life with the experiences you have nad NOT wind up in jail?Charmed

Charmed, I always thought of myself as the hand of God. I never did anything to anybody that didn't have it coming and I never meant any harm to those that were innocent. I like to think it was always my charm, wit, personality and my ability to lie that kept me out of trouble but I'm pretty sure there was some divine intervention. Having a great lawyer doesn't hurt either.

I would like to know When you are available to do some dry wall in my basement.Nightmare

Nightmare, I am available just as soon as you send me the account and routing numbers to your bank account.

I've gotta think of something good.Zelda

Mistress of the Mammaries, make it really good.

I'm a straight up housewife, but now realize home/car repairs are going to fall totally on me. Either I try to find someone to not rip me off to fix things (seems impossible) or I learn myself. Any suggestions where to start? The local community colleges seem to be a rip off on teaching these skills.Liz A,

Liz A, Seeing as you're a housewife I assume you have a husband (see how smart I are).You should see about getting a new husband. There's women's work and mans work. Home and car repairs is mans work. But if you like the husband you gots and he don't beat you none then I would suggest for the home repairs (they thoroughly investigate the backgrounds of their contractors, don't accept first price, most contractors will bargain) and contact AAA for reputable mechanics in your area. Never use the BBB, anybody can join that circus.

I need to convince two guys that it is very important that they start drawing pictures of women's asses. How do I do that?Zelda

Oh Queen of the Biguns, Model for them or lie and promise to show them your tits.

How do you get a big whiny hillbilly from Texas to stop crying about Obama being elected and convince him that it was truly an act of God that brought this guy to the country at this time? And just read your post about the shield- I was so ambivalent about the end. Still can't tell if i like it. However, sons of anarchy kicks ass.Irish

Irish,Texas doesn't really have any hillbilly's and we don't tend to cry (real men don't cry) we usually leave the tears for those mamas boys up on the east coast. I really don't think God had anything to do with satan getting elected to the presidency. So I would say just let him rant and rave while you stand in the background and wish you were him.

Eventually, I'd like to get back to the dating scene again. But it's been a very long time, and I'm now in my 30's. So, how do I go about dating now? Any advice would be much appreciated!Beth

Beth, This is the 21st century it's OK for you to ask a man out on a date or a woman or even a couple, there's no such thing as 3 is a crowd anymore. 3 can be quite the party. I would suggest starting out slow, ask someone you know for casual sex for instance, oh I don't know, me? Even though I take my marriage vows seriously I think I could make an exception in the interest of helping you. We'll call it dating therapy.

I want to know how I can get money out of my daughters dead bead father who is over 23,000 behind in child support and is married to my sister with 2 kids that are "the devil's spawn" and he went to jail and was suppose to pay 2000 toward the back child support but no payment and was let go less than 30 days later and told to go back to court in feb. to prove that he has a job....yeah, like that will work when he has not had a job in the 35 years his pathetic body on been on can this be resolved and me get my money and stay out of jail? BTW, did I mention he is on the FBI child sex offender list?dawn

dawn, Unfortunately there is no hope in ever getting him to pay up. Now I'm supposed to tell you what I would do in this situation. Don't try this at home. I do not recommend you do what I would do. I would kill him. If I was a woman in this situation. First I would find someone that knows someone that could take care of it for me, for instance an ex-pimp. Then I would spend an evening of B&D and S&M and lots of anal with the ex-pimp all on time stamped video of course as an alibi. While a completely unknown to me friend of the ex-pimp rid the world of the waste of oxygen. Like I said you shouldn't do that except maybe for the sex with the ex-pimp. What you should do is ride the ass of the local DA in your ex's county of residence. If you live in a community property state you can go after his wife's money also. You should be able to lien any cars or real estate and if you find the right lawyer you could probably seize any tax returns. You could also notify all his neighbors of the fact he's a sex offender. I'm betting most of them don't know. You would be surprised how many people don't check that sort of thing.

Dear Trashman,How do you stop wannabe east coast tough-guys from tenderly placing their once proud scrotal sacs in the dirty hands of corrupt Chicago politicians?Zelda

Sweet Globes of Grandeur, You don't. You just hope they get castrated.

Dear T, How do I stop my car from overheating? Could it have something to do with my doors not shutting? I'm braindead too. Any advise?Lindy

Lindy, You put water in the radiator every now and then. It has nothing to do with the doors. Braindead huh? Try shock therapy. Should fire the noodle back up.

Trashman,Which is better? Should I martyr myself or get my brothers worthless cousin Huessein to do it?Muhammad

Goat Fucker, I think you, Huessein and his worthless cousin should all martyr yourselves together. Try shoving dynamite up each others asses, light the fuses and see who gets to meet allah first.

Dear Trashy,I've got a problem maybe you can help with. I used to get great satisfaction from reading a blog. It was written by this redneck guy with a very checkered past, and he told hilarious tales which may or may not have been true. He also, from time to time, wrote touching posts with keen insight and feeling. Clicking his link and finding a fresh post was a true joy.What's the problem, you ask? Well, it's this: the guy has kinda been half-assing it. He barely posts at all these days. Some of his posts are on the lame side. It's like he's just going through the motions. I heard this guy has been going through some rough times...job and money troubles, family stuff, loss of a loved I guess he has more on his mind than keeping me entertained with his blog posts. So, am I being selfish? Should I cut him some slack and be glad he posts at all, even though he's just mailing it in? Or should I encourage him to get off his ass and bring his blog back to its former glory? What say you, Oh Wise Trashman?Jack

Curious Jack, Wow that's a lot of question. Let's break it down. You used to get great satisfaction from a blog. I would suggest you try masturbation, it's a whole lot more satisfying.You say this "redneck" sort of fella wrote stories that amused you and made you think. Did you consider since he's a "redneck" sort of guy that maybe all that writing and thinking could possibly be making his head hurt? Now he's half-assing it and just going through the motions. He's lame and he's just mailing it in. Maybe by mailing it in he's trying to do his part to help keep the postal workers employed. Maybe the job and money problems are weighing down on him, maybe it's so much he never sleeps at night anymore. Now he's so tired he can't function well at all. Perhaps the loss of a loved one is hitting really hard during this holiday season, because it's the first season without the loved one. Yet you are only concerned about you and your entertainment. You expect him to keep up this facade just for your enjoyment? You expect him to put on the face of a clown just to make you laugh? It seems maybe he's not the one with the problem. It's all about Jack. Now that being said and taking everything he's going through into account. Personally I wouldn't give the fucker any slack. He's got a job to do and he ain't doing it. Crack the whip.

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