BR-549

Telemarketers and wrong numbers. I love both. They bring me minutes upon minutes of entertainment.

I love getting a new phone number, this allows me to receive phone calls for the person that used to have the number. That's where the fun starts. It usually goes something like this.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: "Is Gloria there?"
Trashman: "Can I tell her who's calling?"
Caller: "Stan."
Moment of silence.
Trashman: "She says she'll have to call you back. She's busy."
Caller: "What's she doing. This is important."
Trashman: "Hold on."
Moment of silence (Isn't it golden?)
Trashman: "She says she'll have to call you back, she wants to finish blowing me first."

Or this classic.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: "Could I speak to Joe please?"
Trashman: "Joe's not here."
Caller: "When do expect him back?"
Trashman: "In 10 to 20."
Caller: "10 to 20 minutes?"
Trashman: "No. Years."
Caller: "Huh?"
Trashman: "He's in prison."
Caller: "Holy shit. What for?"
Trashman: "Child porn. You're not the guy I'm holding the package for, are you?"

The telemarketers are just as much fun.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Trashman: "Fine, and you?"
Caller: "Great. I'm calling because I work for ABC home repairs and will be in your neighborhood this week doing some work. I was wondering if you would be interested in a free carpet cleaning?"
Trashman: "I ain't got no carpets."
Caller: "Well it just so happens that we do hardwood floors also."
Trashman: "I ain't got no hardwood floors."
Caller: "Well that is unusual. What do you have, tile or concrete?"
Trashman: "Dirt."
Caller: "Dirt?"
Trashman: "Cept when it rains. Then I got a mud floor."
Caller: "How's that."
Trashman: "No winders."
Caller: "You don't have any windows?"
Trashman: "Nope. Just four walls and this here phone."
Caller: "We do all kinds of home repairs, we could put windows in for you."
Trashman: "No sense in that, the rain will just come in through where the roof used to be."
Caller: "OK sir. Have a good day."
Trashman: "I'll be fine as long as the sun keeps shining."

Wait there's more.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hello, Mr. Trashman. I'm Suzy and I work for the phone company. I would like to make you a special offer for caller ID."
Trashman: "Not interested."
Caller: "Well for $29.95 I can set you up with a caller ID unit and 3 months of caller ID service."
Trashman: "I don't need it."
Caller: "If you don't have caller ID, how do you know when to answer the phone?"
Trashman: "The same way I knew this time. It was ringing."

The pain continues.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hello sir. I'm with XYZ charity and we'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow picking up old clothes for the poor."
Trashman: "Sorry. I can't help you."
Caller: "Oh, did you already make a donation?"
Trashman: "Nope. I just don't have any clothes."
Caller: "You don't have any old clothes?"
Trashman: "I don't have ANY clothes. I'm a nudist."
Caller: "Oh, I see. Well we pick up old furniture and appliances also."
Trashman: "I don't have any furniture either. I'm also a minimalist."
Caller: "What do you have?"
Trashman: "My phone and my big screen TV and you can't have either one."

OH the agony. Last one I promise. This one took place tonight. I consider it my masterpiece.

Phone rings.
Trashman: "Hello?"
Caller: " Hello sir. My name is Sally. I'm with Verizon Travel. Can I ask you a few questions?"
Trashman: "Sure. I didn't have anything else to do, except bang my head on the wall. I guess that can wait."
Caller: "Thank you. Sir have you ever taken a vacation?"
Trashman: "I vacation all the time."
Caller: "Good. Where was you last vacation?"
Trashman: "San Quentin."
Caller: "Great. Have you ever taken a cruise?"
Trashman: "Yeah. I took a cruise to Devil's Island once. Stayed for 5 years."
Caller: "That's nice. Have you and your lovely bride ever flown anywhere?"
Trashman: "I have a lovely husband."
Caller: "Oh. OH. Well That's nice that you found someone. So have you two ever flown together?"
Trashman: "Not together. I flew to Folsom, that's where I met him."
Caller: "What's Folsom?"
Trashman: "A prison."
Caller: "Are you a member of the prison ministries?"
Trashman: "No. I'm an ex-convict. We used to be cell mates. Seven years together and we just fell in love."
Caller: "One more question sir. How do you think we should advertise? Radio, TV, newspaper, magazines?"
Trashman: "Gay magazines."
Caller: "OK. Thank you sir and you have a blessed evening."
Trashman: "You too. Now if I could just find that man of mine, I would give him a big kiss."

Why do they keep hanging up on me?