Saturday, March 12, 2005

Cup Of Mud

OK. Here's the weekend update. Last night Jack and I went to the tent revival again. Healing is a good thing. I talked to Inanna today, we're trying to hash out the plans for meeting when she makes it to Texas. I'm bound and determined to make this happen, I just hope that the new job is flexible enough.

Now, I want to talk about coffee. I have seen a lot of people in blogland talking about Starbucks. In fact some of you rave about it. I have to ask, what is wrong with you people?

Tonight the boys were at a friends birthday party, and Jen and I were sitting around doing nothing, when she came up with the idea of going to Starcraps and getting a cup of coffee. She had never been there and neither had I, so I thought what the hell, I'll try anything once, except for homosexuality.

Well we went to Starshits to get some "coffee".They had an outside seating area so we could smoke (so far so good). We went inside and the first thing I see is a CD rack with a Joni Mitchell CD right in front ( I should have run for the door, I was in Hippy Hell). Instead I looked up at the menu. This is where I almost went into cardiac arrest. $4.79 for a cup of coffee! These people are obviously smoking the coffee beans in the back room. I took a deep breath and slowed my heart rate back down to it's semi-steady beat. I looked back at the menu and saw there were three different sizes. Small, Grande, and Venti. Small I understand, Venti is a foreign word, but so is Grande. This is the confusing part. I know Grande means big, as in really fucking BIG. So how come at Stardumps, Grande is the medium? I looked up Venti, at and guess what? According to the experts it ain't even a fucking word.

After staring at the menu for a while, we stepped up to place our order.

Counter Dork: "Welcome to Starturds. Can I help you?"
Jen: "I'll have the Carmel Mocha Coffee."
CD: "Small, Grande Or Venti?"
Jen: "Venti, please."
CD: "And you sir?"
Trashman: "I don't know nothing about this half caff, half decaff, low fat cream, dark roast business. I've only seen people order this stuff on TV. So I want coffee. A nice mild coffee like a breakfast blend. The biggest you've got. Oh and put some chocolate in it and make it sweet."
CD: "How about some mocha?"
Trashman: "Is that chocolate?"
CD: "Yes."
Trashman: "OK and give me a piece of that peanut butter bar and she'll have a piece of that seven layer bar(more like seven layer brick, talk about hard)."

The counter dork filled our order and we walked over to get some napkins so we could go outside and drink our alleged coffee. I took one sip, looked at Jen and said "This tastes like shit."
She told me to"be a little louder next time someone probably didn't hear me". I peeled the lid off and added about a pound of sugar, stirred it up and tasted it. Now it was sort of drinkable. Once outside and seated, I went about my normal routine of goofing on the hippies and yuppies that frequent these kinds of places.

"Is my sweater tied around my neck straight?"
"Don't you just love my new Docker shorts."
"I got these clogs on sale."
"I love incense. Did you know that it comes in hippie girl pit hair scent now?"
"Over charge and they will come."
"Can I get a half caff cup of diarrhea and dip your nuts in it?"
"Recycled toilet water, Venti please."
"Can I get a Grande mop sludge with low fat cream?"
"A small liquid shit to go please."

Now Jen was perfectly happy with the place, but then again she is a pseudo-hippy. I however will never go back, after all I do have a reputation to keep up. That and the "coffee" was the worst thing I've ever tasted. I don't know if you people know it or not but Folgers is $3.99 for a big bucket that will last for months. Plus Folgers replaced the coffee in some of Americas finest restaurants and nobody noticed. That's good enough for me.

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