Friday, December 30, 2005

I Feel My Temperature Rising

Here's some food for thought. Spontaneous Human Combustion. Some people believe in it, some don't. I'm not sure if I do, but I'm going to die from it. I know this as sure as I know the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Flame on Trashman.

How do I know you ask. Because I'm always thirsty. That's right, thirsty. I drink all day long and not sodas or juices or anything like that. But water. Lots and lots of ice cold water. The colder the better. I'll fill a glass to the top with ice and then fill it with water. Then I'll refill it with both all day long. If I'm not at home I'll buy bottles of water. Drink, drink, drink all day. It may seem excessive but I'm trying to put out a fire.

I grew up in west Texas. The temperatures are pretty high there. I lived in Phoenix, it's hot there too. But I was most comfortable in Jersey. Cooler temperatures. Less likely to burst into flames. I keep my house cold in the summer and colder in the winter. Once again if I don't get too hot, I can't burn. I don't mind breaking a sweat, cause wet stuff don't burn. In fact I prefer sex on a hot July afternoon with the air conditioning turned off. It's sweaty, no flames. Plus it's dirty and I like dirty.

Back to burning. I remember the first time I saw a special on SHC on TV as a not so small child. I knew then and there that SHC would be my form of demise. I've been trying to put out the flames since. I drink lots of fluids and swim whenever I can. I keep as cool as my surroundings will let me. Can't stand the heat so I stay out of the kitchen. Plus that's a woman's world anyway.

I don't know what causes SHC but I'm pretty sure it's not gas. Otherwise I would have gone up in flames years ago. I don't think it's static electricity either, I don't short out small appliances. One of the theories is alcohol, but I don't touch the demon drink. Another theory is stored body fat. If that's it I'm definitely doomed.

I just refilled a 32oz glass with water for the third time since I sat down to write this. If I don't burn, I'm going to drown.

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