Merry Crimas

A lot of you stopped by and wished me a Merry Christmas and a few of you even gave me virtual gifts. This really means a lot to me. And I thank you. Unfortunately we don't celebrate Christmas. No. We celebrate Crimas. The difference is Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus and good will towards your fellow man and all that other good stuff. Crimas on the other hand is all about "Whadjagetme?" and "Howmuchdjaspend?". If you haven't figured it out yet I'm about to unload another one of my crackpot theories on you. The worse part is I'm pretty sure this is not even an original thought.

Let's start with Santa Claus. We all know if you rearrange the letters in Santa you have Satan. His last name is Claus and I'm pretty sure Satan has claws. Scary, huh? So Santa and Satan could be the same guy. They're both dressed in red. They're both immune to fire, otherwise Santa couldn't come down the chimney. Satan makes adults forget Jesus by promising untold wealth and material things and Santa uses the same tricks on kids with "presents".

The ninth commandment is "Thou shalt not lie." People do this every time they tell their children about Santa. I'm guilty of it myself. So now Santa has gotten millions to break one of the commandments, something Satan tries to do all the time.

Santa makes us lie to our children, he's immune to fire, he's dressed in red, he overworks the reindeer (somebody inform PETA) and he has managed to take Christ out of Christmas. Satan's gotta be loving it.

Every year Jen asks me what I want for Christmas and I always tell her nothing, because the things I do want we just can't afford. Plus the fact I'm just disgusted with the whole thing. If you want to buy something for someone, just fucking buy it. Why do we need a special day?

Why do we need a special day to climb in the car and drive several hours just to have dinner with family? Why can't we do it just because we want to? Is the long ass boring drive filled with threats to pull over and climb into the back seat and beat the shit out of everyone back there any shorter? No. We do it because we feel obligated. For once I would like to make the drive because I want to, not because I'm supposed to. There are lots of times I want to, I just don't, because a holiday is coming up and I'll have to then. So I just put it off.

There are times I see things that I would like to get for Jen or the kids, but I don't, because Christmas is coming. Why do I have to wait and lump all the crap on them in one day? Just so they can go into sensory overload and get bored with everything after 15 minutes and not appreciate a damn thing?

Well I'm putting my fucking foot down. NO MORE CRIMAS. From now on we celebrate Christmas. If you want to give someone a gift, make it with your own two hands, put some thought, love and time into it. I would rather get something from my kids that they made and put some effort into, instead of something some little Chinese kid put together for pennies a day. Fuck Walmart, fuck Target, fuck Penneys, fuck them all. Fuck anybody trying to make a quick buck on the sale of goods in the spirit of the birth of our Lord and Saviour.

Now that being said don't forget I have t-shirts and bullet earrings for sale. They make perfect Kwanza and Chanukah gifts.