Monday, February 27, 2006

Putting The Fun In Funeral

Sometimes I'm a little slow when it comes to blogging. I usually have two or three ideas practically written in my head, but I can't do anything about it until I have a title. This should have been posted Friday night, but you had to wait because I can't finish until I know where to start. That out of the way, we can begin.

I had promised my mom awhile back that I would visit one week day sometime so I could go and help her pay for her funeral. Some of you may think that's a little morbid, but dear old mom and I pretty much have the same views on death. Ain't no use in crying over the dead. They're dead, your not, so keep on living. That and everybody dies sooner or later. Don't misunderstand me, I'll miss the old gal when she's gone but it's coming someday and I'm alright with her paying for it so I don't have to. Plus it leaves more room on her credit cards for me to play with after she's gone. Put you orders in now if you see something on Home Shopping Network that you've just got to have.

I got up early Friday and drove to The Patch with T3. We arrived around noon just to find out that the funeral home had a service at 1:00 so they couldn't take care of us until 4:00. We sat around mom's house for awhile waiting and chatting. T3 eventually got hungry so I paid him $5.00 to go inside and tell his grandmother "I'm hungry old woman." It was worth every penny. After lunch I went to the local video store and ordered a movie she's been wanting and we drove around until it was time to hit the parlor. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. The parlor, not the drive.

Funeral Lady: "Can I help you?"
Mom: "I have an appointment."
FL: "You're the pre-need?"
Mom: "I don't know. What's a pre-need?"
FL: "We have two kinds of customers. Pre-need and need now."
Mom: "Well since I'm not dead, I guess I'm a pre-need."

Mom cracking jokes a the funeral home. That's my cue.

Trash: "Explain pre-need."
FL: "Pre-need means purchasing the funeral in advance."
Trash: "Why need? Why not pre-pay? She doesn't really NEED a funeral. I could always just buy a shovel and dig a hole in the woods."
FL: "Well that would be illegal."
Trash: "Only if I got caught."

Funeral lady looked at my mom.

FL: "Burial or cremation?"
Mom: "Cremation."
FL: "Will you need an urn or box?"
Mom: "Neither."
FL: "By law the ashes must be kept in an urn or box unless you're going to scattered."
Mom: "I'll be scattered."
Trash: "where do you want me to dump you?"
Mom: "I was thinking a nice garden somewhere. What do you think?"
Trash: "I think along the road on the way back to Austin. The less time I spend doing this the more time I can devote to spending your money."

I looked at the Funeral Lady.

Trash: "So do you just hand her over in a take out box or a paper bag or something?"
FL: "No. The ashes are in a plastic bag inside a plastic box."
Trash: "Is there ever any pieces of bone left?"
FL: "It could happen. Why?"
Trash: "I was planning on making a necklace to remember her by."
FL: "Ma'am. Did you want a service?"
Mom: "No. There's no sense in wasting money?"
FL: "What if your family wants something to remember you by?"
Trash: "I'll video tape me dumping her ashes along the road, singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead."
Mom: "You better not sing that."
FL: "That was cruel."
Mom: "I don't care about the song. He just can't sing worth a damn."
Trash: "Could we get a cheaper rate if I drove her to the crematorium my self? I could just prop her up in the passenger seat."
FL: "That's not possible the body must be transported in a cremation casket."
Trash: "OK. I have a truck, I could just slide it in the back."
FL: "Sir there is no way for you to transport the body."
Trash: "What if somebody else is getting cremated on the same day. Can we dump them in together and split the bill?"
FL: "SIR. The cost is the cost. It is not possible to lower it and it's illegal to cremate two body's together."
Trash: "Only if you get caught."
FL: "Ma'am, are you sure you want him to handle your affairs?"
Mom: "He's the best one for this job."
Trash: "Y'all don't burn the cremation caskets, do you?"
FL: "No."
Trash: "Would you be willing to sell one?"
FL: "Why?"
Trash: "I want to turn it into a coffee table and keep her ashes in it."
FL: "Why would you do that?"
Trash: "So I could throw myself across it from time to time screaming WHY, MOMMA, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE."
FL: "I can't sell you one."
Trash: "OK. How about a used hearse?"
Mom: "You are definitely crazy."
Trash: "Well I did come by it honest."
FL: "Ma'am, can you please get him out of here?"
Mom: "Yes I can. I feel like having some ice cream anyway."
Trash: "Every funeral should be followed by a chocolate sundae."
Mom: "I guess if I ever die I'm going to miss you."
Trash: "Yeah me too. By the way where do you keep your checkbook and credit cards?"

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