Tuesday, December 14, 2004


I really hate when someone thinks they got one over on me. In fact I will do whatever I deem necessary to make things square between us. That means I'm going to win. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how long I have to wait, I WILL come out on top. I will stoop to any level to triumph over you. Call it the nature of the beast, call it childish, call it anything you want. Bottom line. I win.

We got a call at the agency one beautiful spring day. The guy wanted a girl for a hour. I remember his name was Mike. We'll use Dipshit as his last name. The rates were explained to Mike and he agreed to everything. He wanted a blonde with big jugs (nothing new there). We had a girl named Debbie working that afternoon that fit the bill. She didn't have a driver because she preferred to keep the driving fee for herself. I always said it was better to be safe than cheap, but you just couldn't get through to some of these girls. She took Mr. Dipshit's address and she was off on her merry way. Thirty minutes later she called back.

Trashman: "House of Ho's, can I help you?"
Debbie: "This guy says he doesn't have any money."
Trashman: "Shit. Tell him to give you the driving fee, and then split."
I hear her talking to him.
Debbie: "You need to give me $25.00 For a driving fee."
Mike: "I don't have ANY money."
Debbie: "Trashman he says ..."
Trashman: "I heard him."
Debbie: "I think this is his mom's house. He's really young. about 18 or so."
Trashman: "Put the fucker on the phone."
Mike: "Uh. Hello?"
Trashman: "Mr. Dipshit, we seem to have a dilemma."
Mike: "Idon'thaveanymoney."
Trashman: "Calm down, we'll figure this out. Now when you called, our rates were explained to you. Including the driving fee. If you don't want the girl for ANY reason, you still have to pay her something for showing up. Didn't you agree to this."
Mike: "Uh. Yeah?"
Trashman: "So pay the girl $25.00 and save me a trip."
Mike: "Idon'thaveanymoney."
Trashman: "Then you need to give her a VCR or a T.V. or something."
Mike: "I can't do that."
Trashman: "Sure you can. Just unplug it and and put it in her car."
Mike: "I can't do that."
Trashman: "Mr. Dipshit put the girl back on the phone."
Debbie: "Hello?"
Trashman: "I'm on my way. Get the fuck out of there and get a long ways away."
Once again I hear her talking to him.
Debbie: "He's on the way and you are so fucked. HAHAHA"
The phone went dead.

I drove over to the next little town. As I entered Mr. Dipshit's neighborhood, I met a patrol cop going in the other direction. We nodded at each other and continued on. I found the address I was looking for and parked to the side of the house. There was a real estate sign in the front yard. Luckily no dogs. I knocked on the backdoor first, and got no answer. I moved around and tried the front door, no luck there either. I walked to the back door for one more try. Nothing. I figured I would have to catch him later by surprise. As I headed back to my car, cops came pouring out of the woodwork, guns drawn and ready to shoot. Unlike the idiots you see on "Cops", I know how to handle this. The first thing you do is empty your mind and listen to the nice officers. Once they have the cuffs on you, then you can start thinking of the lies.

Cop 1: "Stop right there. Turn with your back to me. Put your hands on your head. Now follow my voice and back up towards me. Stop. Now get on your knees."

I was surrounded, had I made any sudden moves and then dropped to the ground these morons would have shot each other with crossfire. It was quite comical. I was cuffed, brought to my feet, leaned over my car, and searched.

Trashman: "Can I ask, what the problem is officer?"
Cop 1: "We got a call that a big scary guy was trying to break in this house."
Trashman: "Since when is knocking on the door an attempt at break in? Plus I'm pretty sure if I wanted to break in I could have just run through the door."
Cop 1: "Then why were you in the backyard?"
Trashman: "I was knocking on the BACK door."
Cop 1: "The resident inside says he doesn't know you and you were trying to break in."
Trashman: "That cop over there (nodding at cop 2) saw me awhile ago, driving down the street. If I was going to break in, would I do it in broad daylight with cops in the neighborhood?"
Cop 1: "Is that true, Cop 2?"
Cop 2: "Yeah I saw him. Wasn't suspicious."
Cop 1: "Then why are you here?"
Trashman: "I work for House of Ho's. The guy inside called and requested a dancer."
Cop 1: "You know they're not dancers."
Trashman: "As far as I know all they do is strip. Anyway we sent a "dancer" over here. She called me back and said this guy kept grabbing her. Since she doesn't have a driver I told her to try and get out and I rushed over here to make sure she was safe. I kept knocking on the doors because I didn't know if she was still in there. I was on my way back out to the car to call you guys, when you showed up."
Cop 1: "What's the guys name?"
Trashman: "Mike Dipshit. The girl said he's about 18 years old."

The cops talked to Mr. Dipshit and he finally admitted that he knew I was coming. Except he said I was coming to get money. I calmly explained to the cops that he had already lied to them once and he definitely wasn't going to admit to sexually assaulting the girl. I was released and told not to be found in the neighborhood again. Yeah, right.

For the next couple of weeks I would randomly call Mike Dipshit and ask for Mrs. Dipshit. Every time I called, Mike answered the phone and demanded to know who was calling and why. I even had some of the girls call and ask to speak to his mother. No luck. This guy must have been sleeping right by the phone. He was bound and determined I wasn't going to talk to mommy.

One day I had one of the drivers go by the house and get the number of the real estate company off the sign out front. I called and made an appointment to see the house, I also requested that the present owner be there in case I had any questions.

Saturday morning I met the real estate agent at the house. She knocked on the door and the lovely Mrs. Dipshit answered it and let us in. As we entered the living room from the foyer, Mike was coming in from the kitchen. He looked up and saw me. He froze like a deer in the headlights and dropped the plate that held his sandwich and chips. The plate shattered on the floor. Mrs Dipshit turned and looked at her son.

Mrs. Dipshit: "Mike! What's wrong with you?"
Trashman: "I'm sorry Mrs. Dipshit. It's all my fault. You see Mike and I have some unfinished business."
Mrs. Dipshit: "Huh?"
Real Estate Lady: "What's going on here?"
Trashman: "I'm sorry I had to deceive the both of you. But there was no other way for me to contact Mrs. Dipshit."
Mrs. Dipshit: "What are you talking about?"
Trashman: "Well you see two weeks ago, probably while you were at work Mike called "The House of Ho's" and ordered a stripper. I supplied that stripper. Only when the girl showed up at YOUR house, Mike refused to pay her. He even refused to pay the $25.00 driving fee that he had agreed to when he called me. The police even came by here. Isn't that right Mike?"
Mike: "Mom..."
Mike: "Mom..."
Mrs. Dipshit: "I SAID SHUT UP"
Real Estate Lady (whispering in my ear): "I like your style."
Trashman (whispering back): "Thanks."
Mrs. Dipshit: "PAY HIM."
Mike: "Mom..."

Mike fished out his wallet and handed me $25.00. He was shaking so bad I don't know how he ever managed it.

Trashman: "Now see Mike, we could have avoided this whole mess. All you had to do was give the girl the money.
Mike: "Mom..."
Mrs. Dipshit: "SHUT UP MIKE."
Trashman: "Once again I want to apologize to you Mrs. Dipshit and to you also Real Estate Lady. I am truly sorry for the deception."
Mrs. Dipshit: "Just get out of my house."
Trashman: "Yes ma'am. Oh, and Mike, I always win."

Real Estate Lady and I walked out. As I was walking to my car you could still hear the screaming inside.

Trashman: "I'm really sorry you were a part of this."
Real Estate Lady: "Most entertaining Saturday morning of my life."
Trashman: "You'll probably lose this account."
Real Estate Lady: "That's OK this house has been listed forever anyway. She wants too much and the upstairs is a mess. Thanks to Mike."
Trashman: " Well I've got business to take care of."
Real Estate Lady: "Are you really in the market for a house."
Trashman: "No."
Real Estate Lady: "Well take my card in case you change your mind."
Trashman: "OK. Thank you."
Real Estate Lady: "My cell phone number is on there also."
Trashman: "OK?"
Real Estate Lady: "I'm not doing anything tonight. You know if you wanted to call me, maybe we could get together or something."

Like I said "I always win."

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