Thursday, May 05, 2005

Cosmo Ain't Got Shit On Me

In my WWTD post, Cooter and Tammy had some questions about men, romance and that sort of thing. Well I've decided I'm going to let you ladies out there in on a few things. I'm going to tell you what men really do and don't want from a woman. Forget all the chick flicks, they were written by women or men that wished they were women. The movies give you false ideas about men, they make you think that's how relationships are supposed to work. If y'all were in charge of the world, I imagine that's how things would go, but you're not. So, I'm going to tell you how it really is. If you listen to me, you might actually come close to one of those "perfect" movie romances.

First let us discuss "Mr. Perfect". He doesn't exist. Well as far as your concerned he doesn't, he may be perfect in his own eyes, but he's not perfect in yours. Don't let him know that. Always and I mean always, look at him like he is. You may even eventually start to believe it yourself.

Second. Believe it or not, we do like an independent woman. We just don't want to hear about it. We want to feel needed. We need to feel needed. We want to be the guy you turn to when you need something moved, carried, opened or killed. When we're around be semi-helpless.

Third. It's OK to ask us out. We're in the 21st century for God's sake. We can accept some liberation. We're less likely to turn you down than you are to turn us down. It makes us feel desirable.

Fourth. Don't nag. Sometimes we are going to leave you at home, when we go out with the guys. Get used to it. If you complain, it's just going to make everything tense when we get home at 2:00am. You need the beauty sleep, we'll talk about it in the morning. Hopefully, by then you'll have forgotten the whole thing.

Fifth. Actually this should have been first. Sex. We will die without it. It's true. A man that has frequent orgasms is less likely to develop prostate cancer. So if you really did love us, you would save our lives by giving up a little more poonanny. I think five times a week is a good round number. Also feel free to be sexually aggressive. I don't mean whips and chains either, just make the first move once and a while. It makes us feel desirable.

Sixth. Don't nag. There's that damned deja vu all over again. When you start in on us, our senses automatically shut down, yet we can repeat your last 20 words, verbatim. While repeating your last 20 words we will figure out what you were talking about and have an answer for you.

Seventh. Jealousy. A little is OK, a lot is not. If you see us staring at some sexpot on TV, don't get your panties in a bunch. We'll never meet her and if we do, we don't stand a chance. Jen is the only one that needs to worry. I can have any woman I want.

Eighth. Take care of yourself. No matter how fat and out of shape we get, you need to look good. Now I know the years puts a few pounds on everybody and I'm not talking about weight. I'm talking about make-up, hair, fashionable clothes and what ever else it is you ladies require. When we go out, other girls need to look at you, then us, and question what the hell is so special about us, that you still take the time to make yourself up.

Ninth. Attention. We need lots of it, when we want it and none when we don't. It's up to you to know when.

Tenth. The male ego. Treat it like a dick, stroke it once and a while. It's a big circle, the better you make us feel, the better we'll make you feel.

Eleventh. Hints. We don't do hints. If you want something from us "Spit it out woman."

Twelfth. Dinner. It needs to be warm and on the table when we come through the door. If for some reason it's not, our attention can be diverted by a little "afternoon delight".

Thirteenth. You will never be as good a cook as our moms. Except my mom, everybody is a better cook than my mom.

Fourteenth. Don't be a bitch. Don't say you're proud to be a bitch. Forget the word bitch. Men don't like bitches.

Fifteenth. The penis. It's as fragile as our egos. Most of us saw our dads willys when we were very young. It looked huge compared to ours. That is stuck in our minds. It's never big enough. So lie to us once and a while. I suggest: "OH my God, you'll kill me with that thing. I never knew they could be so big."

Sixteenth. Don't insult us in front of our friends. If you do the relationship is going to eventually end.

Seventeenth. The remote control. It's ours.

Eighteenth. Don't ask us to watch some panty waisted show with you. We don't expect you to watch the lumberjack competition with us.

Nineteenth. We don't want to hear about your ex. We don't even want to know you have an ex. We like to believe we were the first.

Twentieth. Tell us when the oil light come on in the car. Don't wait a week and tell us when the engine starts making a very loud knocking noise.

Twenty-first. Treat us like kings and we'll treat you like goddesses.

I'm not saying you ladies should let a man get away with a bunch of shit. If he starts in with the shit, dump him. If he's an asshole, dump him. All I'm saying is if you'll make us feel special, we in turn, will treat you right.

Oh and give those nice guys a chance. I used to be one of them.

No comments: