I was sitting with my boys this Saturday morning, listening to them take turns reading from the Bible. Jen was knitting or crocheting or cooking or doing some womanly thing, when the phone rang. It was Jack. He told me he was coming to visit, it seems it was time for another trip to the tent revival. He informed me he was bringing his new "girlfriend" (as long as he left that cock-eared dog at home I was cool with him bringing a woman). When I managed to get him to shut up so I could hang up the phone, I turned to my beautiful family and said "RED ALERT".
Jen went into high security mode and started hiding all her under garments (Jack likes to wear them when he comes to visit). Suddenly my boys started crying, when I asked them what was wrong, they told me "Uncle Jack tickles us too much and when he stares at us it makes us feel all dirty." This was news to me, no wonder he always wants to baby-sit. I sent the boys to stay with a friend and helped Jen finish hiding her unmentionables. After which I ran to the store and stocked up on bleach and alcohol (the rubbing kind) because I knew the house would need a thorough cleansing after Jack and whatever skank he showed up with, left.
A few hours later I was sitting on my porch watching over my neighborhood and solving the neighbors problems (cause I know everything), when Jacks drug hoopty came rolling into my driveway. I could only see him in the car so I walked out to ask the whereabouts of his new Ho. I stepped up to the drivers side window and saw a mass of dark hair buried face down in his lap, Jack was grinning like an idiot. He grabbed "her" by the back of the head and sat her up, she was unconscious and had a big gob of drool running down her chin. She was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. In fact I said to Jack;
Trashman: "That's the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
Jack: "No way man, she's purty."
Trashman: "Dude, there's a big gob of drool on your crotch."
Jack: "That's OK, I'm used to stains on my crotch."
Trashman: "She's kind of flat chested."
Jack: "A little sucking will puff those right up."
Jack burst into laughter. He really cracks himself up sometimes.
Trashman: "What took you so long?"
Jack: "She excited me so much that I had to pull the old "green tea" trick so I could keep pulling over to touch myself. At least until the Roofies kicked in."
Trashman: "You know someday you're going to have to stop touching yourself."
Jack: "Why? Nobody touches Jack, like Jack touches Jack."
Once again the laughter. His laugh and his sense of humor goes along ways to explain his celibacy. Not to mention his afore mentioned love of women's undergarments.
At this point I leaned over into the car to get a better look at "Sleeping Ugly". It took a few minutes but I finally figured out who I was looking at. I knew there would be trouble.
Trashman: "Uh, Jack. You have a little problem here."
Jack: "Oh shit. Is she waking up?"
Trashman: "It's worse than that. SHE is not a she. She is Jay."
Jack: "No way dude. That's not Jay. I'm going to marry her."
Trashman: "Dude. You can't marry "her" that sort of thing is illegal in Texas."
Jack: "You're just jealous. Just like that time in Juarez."
Trashman: "Well, just like that time in Juarez. I'm not jealous and that ain't a woman."
This is when Jay regained consciousness, he started screaming like a twelve year old girl at an Aaron Carter concert. The door on Jacks drug hoopty flew open, then it fell off into my yard, Jay came crawling out of the car screaming my name. He had a pen and paper in his hand and was begging for my autograph. I took the paper and was going to sign my name when I saw the writing. The paper had the words HELP ME written on it. I looked at Jay, he seemed frightened. I looked at Jack and he went ape shit.
Jack(screaming): "YOU SON OF A BITCH. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TRY TO STEAL MY WOMEN?"
Jay(crying): "Please make him stop. Help me. Please help me."
When I stop and think about what happened next it makes my skin crawl. I should really discuss this with my therapist and lawyer before I proceed.