I Failed

Computer died yesterday. Pushing up fucking daisies.Therefore I couldn't post. Can't even get it to load windows in any mode. Safe or otherwise. I'm taking it to a friend and dropping it off. Hopefully he can fix it.

More proof God hates me.

Tie-urd

Eyes hurt cant keep feet open.


Kee......

Suck Ass Super Bowl

The worst part is now we have to listen to all the liberals talk about the spirit of New Orleans being lifted since the great tragedy. Not to mention all the idiots running around saying "Who Dat". What a collection of morons. At least the nachos were a success.

Keep on "Hatin' Peyton"

Nachos

I'm making some for the Super Bowl.

Keep on re-frying beans.

Rode Hard

I'm exhausted. My co-worker got sick tonight and left me by myself. She had the shits. I understand going home. I got hammered. I had a line of customers at least 8 deep from 5:30 to 8:30. I feel like I've been beat with a big fuckin stick. I didn't even have time to try to get fired.

The answer to your question Jack, is yes. Plus I have another back up plan. I may go back to exotic male dancing.

Keep on being naked.

Plan Coming Together

Managed to get my ass chewed out today. Still didn't get fired, no matter how hard I tried. I was told they don't want to lose me but I didn't have to stay if I wanted to go. I said I wasn't leaving unless I was forced to. I'll try again tomorrow.

Keep on not trusting anyone.

New Outlook On Life

Fuck my job. Fuck Stop-n-Rob. They recently gave away a bunch of shit on TV to 2 of their employees. To the tune of a few hundred thousand dollars. Trying to make themselves look good. But nobody is getting raises this year because they don't have the money. I wonder how long before my new attitude gets me fired.

Keep on fucking corporate America.

ZombieLand

This movie came out on DVD today. This is a must see. Woody Harrelson does an excellent job as usual. There's not a dull moment. I laughed my ass off. This gets the Trashman guarantee. I guarantee if you don't like this movie, then you're an idiot. I give Zombieland 5 trashcans out of 5 trashcans,

Keep on killing the dead.

Paying The Fiddler

Doing taxes. It's that time again.

Mundane Existance

Went to work today. Came home.

Join The Movment

Wait For It

I was going to write about procrastination but I decided to put it off.

Keep on ...

Am I Supposed To Be Offended?

I got referred to as nigga once last night and also nigger once. A guy came in and said "What up nigga?" and later on a guy said "You a crazy nigger." when referring to the price of a Black and Mild cigar. I'm not sure how to take this. Should I have answered the first guy with "Not much, cracker." and the second guy with "I don't set the prices, Honkey." What do y'all think?

Keep on being confused.

I really wanted to end with "Keep on burning crosses." But I'm not to sure about y'alls sense of humor.

Experimental

What A Waste Of Time

I'm working 3rd shift again tonight, so I'm just going to give you a quick recap of tonight's State Of The Union speech by your president.

Hello America
Lie
Lie
Empty promise
Blame Bush
Through blaming Bush
Empty promise
Lie
Lie
More lies
More empty promises
Even more lies
Lie again
And lie once more
Thank you (for selling your collective souls to me) America.

That should just about sum it up.

Keep on burning in Hell.

Nebraska Bound

Can you still drop your teenagers off there with no questions asked?

Do-Si-Dos

I love Girl Scouts and their cookies. Especially the Peanut Butter Sandwich. In fact I'm eating some now. When I'm done maybe I'll have the cookies.

Yodeling In The Valley

OK. Y'all are getting this story because I get most my readers at noon on Monday. This happened a couple of weeks ago.

I was standing at the counter (lookin' good as usual) when a black girl approached with her items. She set them down and I proceeded to ring them up. In the following conversation she will be referred to as BC (black chick).

BC: "Damn. You have a nice moustache."
Trash: "Thanks."
BC: "No. I mean it's really nice. Like all perfect and shit."
Trash: "Yeah. Well I have a lot of practice maintaining it."
BC: "It's like not to thick here or too thin here and it's the same length on both sides. It's really nice."
Trash: "Yeah. OK. Thanks again."
BC: "I bet you can save a lot of flavor in that moustache."
Trash: " What?"
BC: "You know. When you eat pussy. I bet you saves lots of flavor."
Trash: "Huh?"
BC: " I'd be like a kid on a new bike with that thing. You couldn't get me off of it."
Trash: "HA HA HA."
BC: "No really. In fact you wouldn't be eatin' my pussy. My pussy would be eatin, your face. You ever eat a black girl's pussy?"
Trash: "No."
BC: "You want to?"
Trash: "Well as intrigued as I am, I'll have to decline. I'm married."
BC: "She would find out too. You would probably drown in my pussy."
Trash: "Your total is $14.72"
BC: "Here you go baby. Tell you what. You ever gets divorced and you wanna try some black pussy. You just ask for Sheprecia."
Trash: "OK. You have a good evening."
BC: "You too baby and don't shave that thing off it's beautiful."

Keep on eating at the Y.

3rd Shift

Yep. I'm working again tonight. I'm being used. The reason they keep sticking me on this shift is because of my bad assedness. On Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays we get the lowest of life forms in the middle of the shift. There's a night club down the street from us that gets a big crowd on those nights. After the club closes and they get tired of pepper spraying and robbing each other in that parking lot, they come and visit us.

Skanky black women, fat white women. 350 pound women on 4 inch stiletto heels. Thugs and wanna be gangsters dressed in red wearing their pants around their ankles. All smelling of cocoa butter and weed. They come in and steal the condoms (thank God they're not reproducing) and candy bars. They ask for grape "rillos" and wood tip wine "blacks". They complain about the prices and leave the change (I'm supposed to be thankful for the 17 cents they just gave Stop-and-Rob). Nothing but disrespect. They cut in line. They trash the bathrooms. They fill up the parking lot, all playing different rap tunes as loud as they can. They are fucking animals. Rob thought he had it hard with the "guidos". He should see this shit.

Slowly things are being changed. They're starting to act a little more human. It's all because of me. I don't take shit. I don't give shit. I'm not in the shit business. That's simply how I roll. Who knew I could train animals? I'll be lucky if I don't get shot tonight.

Keep on keeping on.

I Am The King

Trashman - 2
Computer Virus's - 0

That's right I am the Mother Fucker of all mother fuckers. I am a god among mere mortals. I am a legend in my own mind. I am the shit. I am the cream in the corn. I am the corn in the turds. I am the frosting on the fuckin' cake. I am unfuckingstoppable. And I did it all by myfuckingself with no help from anyone. Now I have to go take a nap, I work 3rd shift tonight.

I would like to thank my brother for attempting to help me. He tried. I'll give him that.

New Virus

I'm fighting a new virus called Internet Security 2010. It showed up at 9:00 am this morning. I should have it beat by tomorrow afternoon. I do believe if someone ever tells me they are a hacker or they write virus's or anything like that I'll just shoot them between the eyes.

Until then....

More Shit

I'm working third shift tonight, so I'll be at work during my regular blogging hours. In fact I'm getting ready for work now. That means this is pretty much all you're going to get.

I did watch a movie today it was called Hide. Not bad. Not good. Decent time killer. I did fall in lust with the female star though. I'm not sure if I've seen her in anything else. but it was probably more her character than her. She looks good in the movie but she had a whole psychotic white trash thing going on. Rachel Miner makes my weenie wiggle. I'll give it 3 trash cans out of 5 simply because of her.

Keep on wondering about me being assaulted by the homeless homo.

Shit

I almost forgot to post.

Jen

She loves me but not as much as I love me.

Keep on lovin' me.

No Mo Romo

There are two things the Dallas Cowboys need to do to begin fixing their problems. The first one is, they need to get rid of that incompetent idiot they call a quarter-back. He has no passion for the game. He just doesn't give a fuck. Why should he? He's going to get paid 67 million dollars, win or lose. He has loads of God given talent and ability, but he has no drive. He should just take his money and disappear, make room for somebody that has the desire to win.

Now the second thing they need to do, can never be done. Jerry Jones needs to step down as General Manager. He doesn't know a damn thing about football. He is one hell of a businessman, but that doesn't give him the ability to make the day to day decisions that have to be made to run a successful football team. After today's game he started making excuses for Romo, he made it sound like the offensive line let them down. I got news for you Jerry. Romo is the leader, his attitude is going to be contagious. He don't care why should they? Herein lies the problem with Jones. He can't admit his mistakes and Romo is the biggest mistake he's ever made except when he fired Jimmy Johnson simply because Johnson wouldn't agree with him. Nope Joneses ego will always keep the Cowboys down. Luckily he can't live forever.

Go Jets.

Feloniuos Behaviour

Tonight I was assaulted by a homeless homo.

Be safe out there.

Friday Night Lites

It's Friday.
It's night.
And this is about as heavy as it's gonna get.

Fuck Danny Glover.

I Love You, Beth Cooper

Okay bonus post. I just watched the aforementioned movie. I must say it was quite enjoyable. The guy that played the dork was a little to dorky but other wise it was a fun movie. Once again not enough flesh, but we did get some side-boob action from Hayden Panettiere. I give this movie 4 1/2 trash cans. See it if you get the chance.

I love you, Hayden Panettiere.

Comment More, Fuckers

Running low on energy and creative flow. This is all you get today.

Keep on.

Wanna Trade?

Every once and awhile I get cookies and milk for a late night snack. Tonight was one of those nights. I only get a package of two cookies or I'll make a complete pig of myself. Before I go to the store I always check with everybody to see what they want. They get one chance and one chance only. I don't get extra shit.

Jen and I were in the garage smoking when Trash Jr stuck his head out

Trash Jr: "I'm hungry are those my cookies?"
Trash: "Hell no. Don't touch my cookies."
Trash Jr: "But I'm hungry. Can I have them?"
Trash: "Nope. Make a TV dinner or a burrito or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a cheese sandwich or something, but don't touch my cookies."

He closed the door and Jen looked at me.

Jen: "Let him have the cookies."
Trash: "Nope."
She tilted her head and batted her eye lashes.
Jen: "For me."
Trash: "Nope."
She tilted her head the other way and batted her eye lashes again.
Jen: "Can I have them?"
Trash: "I'll trade 'em for a blow job."
Jen (yelling): "Make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich baby."

At least I got to enjoy my cookies.

Jennifers Body

All in all a decent movie. Would have preferred more flesh. I give it 4 trash cans.

Pretty boy got fired a couple of weeks ago so I probably wont be posting anymore Counter Monkey Conversations. I do however have a couple of work related stories to tell. I'll try and give you one tomorrow.

Until then you know the drill.

It Is What It Is

I'm not saying I'm a Bad Mother Fucker, but at the annual bad mother fuckers meeting, I'm referred to as "Boss".

Keep on......ah fuck it.

I Don't Get it

A blond calls her boyfriend and tells him that she's having trouble with a jigsaw puzzle.

Boyfriend: "What's the puzzle supposed to be a picture of ?"
Blond: "A rooster. I've been up for 2 days trying to put it together."
Boyfriend: "I'll be right over."

The boyfriend arrives at the blonde's house. He goes into the kitchen and finds the blond sitting at the table. He takes a look at the puzzle.

Boyfriend: "We'll never be able to put this puzzle together."
Blond: "But I've been trying so hard."
Boyfriend: "I know, but you need some sleep. I can see you're really tired."
Blond: "I haven't slept in 2 days. Maybe I'll go to bed."
Boyfriend: "That's a good idea, but before you do you should put the corn flakes back in the box."

Keep on doing whatever it is you do.

That Smell

I get assaulted everyday with stench. Whether it's the smell off the bums that come into the store. Or the smell of weed off the stoners. We've had to wash the change the bums give us because the smell was so bad. But I believe the worse yet was when I went in the men's room and came out stoned because some fucker was in there toking up. I don't smoke weed because I don't like weed. So I really don't want to come out of the men's room with the fucking munchies. And don't let me get started on personal hygiene, some of the regulars could certainly use a shower. Especially the bums. Tonight I had to smell everything from weed, body odor, day old beer, old smoke, ass breath, and some of the ladies were sporting a yeasty hot tuna odor.

My nose has been broken more than a dozen times (in fights I always lead with my face, could you imagine how pretty I would be if I didn't) so I have to wonder how bad they must really stink.

Oh and you beaners need to lay off the cheap cologne.

Keep on washing your ass.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

It's fucking cold out. What's worse is, it's fucking cold in. I'm gonna make a deal with the landlord about re-insulating the attic. I just hope I can squeeze my fat ass into the attic and when I do, i hope I don't make a new opening by falling through the ceiling. That's all you get tonight. It's not like anybody reads this blog on the weekend anyways.

If I had a stick in my ass I would be a Popsicle. Or queer.

Roll On Crimson Tide.

Congratulations to Alabama. New Collegiate football champions. Tonight they spanked The University of Texas's ass. U.T. sucks. I hate burnt orange. I'm sorta happy right now. The only part of the game I didn't like was the fact that Colt McCoy got hurt. It gives the UT fans an excuse. I just wonder what the excuse would have been if he had not been hurt. Oh well they lost, they suck. Alabama rules. I rule.

Go toss a salad.

In For The Long Haul

Six days in and I'm already struggling for writing material. Oh I have plenty of things to tell you, but most of it I should be paid for. It's gonna be a rough year.

Keep on blowing me.

Burn Baby Burn

Tonight I built a fire and much like my forefathers did in the caves, I sat and stared into the flames. As I watched the embers float up the chimney and the flames lick the walls of the fireplace my mind wandered to happy thoughts of the past.

Thoughts like sitting on the floor at my Grandfathers feet as he read stories from The Big Book of Fairy Tales and Other Bull Shit by firelight. Or like the time me and some buddys were on the way to see a dead body our friend Vern found and we stopped to camp in the woods and we sat around the campfire telling stories.

Sitting by the ocean with the flavor of the week hanging on me like a cheap suit and drinking beer with my friends watching the flames and listening to the waves. The best was remembering drinking wine, butt naked on a bear skin rug and making sweet love to the Swedish bikini model by the fireplace in the ski lodge in Vermont.

Hanging out with buddies deep in the woods of Alaska staying warm by the fireside waiting for the sun to come up so we could resume hunting the Kodiaks. Even better rain dancing around the fire with the Aborigines of Australia trying to rid the land of the white man.

Yep. That fire brought make all sorts of memories. To bad none of them were mine.

Keep on keeping on.

Virus Destroyer

I have defeated Satan's virus. I'm exhausted. More to come later. Until then.......

Keep on keeping on.

That Was Quick

Here's that one liner I was talking about.

Keep on keeping on.

O Pressed

Remember how a while back (the last post) I said I was going to post every day this year? Well somebody's trying to stop me. Right after I posted that blog my computer caught the nastiest virus I have ever seen. It's new. I should be able to fix it but it's going to take some time, patience and effort. I believe Hussein and his goons have something to do with it. Or maybe it's the Russians. It could be the Chinese but the virus is in English. Either way somebody is trying to fuck up my shit and they're doing a pretty good job of it. But I have my ways of getting around that crap.

Just let it be known, I WILL find whoever is involved with the Anitvirus Live virus and when I do..... I'M GOING TO EXECUTE EVERY LAST MOTHER FUCKING ONE OF THEM.

Until then have a pleasant day and keep on keeping on.

2010

Hussein is still in office. The rest of the world still hates us. The economy is still fucked up. We're still at war. Just because the calender flipped a number doesn't mean anything has changed. Although I did make two resolutions.

Number 1 is: I resolve to post everyday this year, even if it is just a one liner.
And B: No more resolutions.

Let's see which one gets kept.

Happy New Years fuckers and keep on keeping on.