The Trashman Is Down With The Bitches And Hos

I have come up with a written set of rules for all the wives and girlfriends out there. I know what I'm talking about. You should really listen. If you do listen to me you will have a happy relationship.

1. Barefoot and in the kitchen are perfection. You should strive for it. Pregnancy is optional. Your man will make the call.
2. Dinner will be warm and on the table, unless it's supposed to be served cold. Then it will be cold and on the table when he comes home.
3. It's best to greet your man at the door on your knees. Tilt your head back like a baby bird waiting for dinner. You'll get the worm.
4. Make up was invented for a reason. Use lots of it. Spackle knives are sold at any hardware store.
5. Sweat pants and large t-shirts are NOT an allowable clothing option.
6. Your husband's sexual satisfaction should be priority one.
7. A woman's place is in the home. She should go there directly after work.
8. We will NOT like your new best friends husband. So don't make couple dates.
9. It is O.K. for you to walk around naked.
10. It's not O.K. for you to bitch if we leave the door open when we take a shit.
11. It' s not O.K. for you to bitch, period.
12. Let your guy catch you masturbating every now and then.
13. When I tell you how I want my sandwich made, make it that way. Don't improvise. If you do, you're wrong.
14. It's O.K. for us to look at other women but it's not O.K. for you to look at other men. Men are visual creatures, women are emotional monsters, therefore you don't need to look at other men.
15. A threesome with your sister or mother or some other close hot female relative are a great birthday present.
16. Don't nag.
17. If we say the game is on, don't bother us. It doesn't matter which sport, it's "the game". So shut up.
18. Farts ARE funny.
19. When it comes to sex (ha I said come) be open minded. Try the tea bag thing or perhaps the Dirty Sanchez.
20. Laugh at our jokes. Especially when we're not funny.
21. NEVER EVER EVER give us shit in front of our friends.
22. Just cause we don't say "I love you" doesn't mean we don't love you. If we didn't love you we wouldn't be there. Unless you're really rich or really hot.
23. Always make sure you look your best.
24. It's O.K. if we get fat, but that's a one way street.
25. I'm sorry you're just not as good a cook as Mom is. Get used to it.
26. It's a man's world. Know your role.
27. Wearing nothing but a pair of red 4" heels will get you pretty much anything you want.
28. If you want us to stick our tongues in there, shave it. Waxing is even better.
29. Try anal, at least 10 times before you decide you don't like it. Then do it anyway if that's what he wants.
30. Swallow.
31. We're always right, and if we're wrong that's the best time to tell us we're right.

Ladies if you follow these few simple guidelines I can promise you a lifetime of happiness. If you follow this list and you don't get a lifetime of happiness, then you did something wrong.

Keep on keeping on